============================================================ Get FREE business cards for your business or personal use! VistaPrint.com is giving away 250 full color business cards � an $85 value. Claim this unique FREE gift now! http://click.topica.com/caaab3Hb1dhsSb1uOHTa/VistaPrint ============================================================ The Funnystuff Mailing List -- http://www.pbbt.com/funnystuff/today.shtml =======================--------- Take your first steps to financial freedom! Become a Fool! Register for free with The Motley Fool and begin your journey to financial independence. -Take control of your finances -Get out of debt -Learn how to invest Receive our free "13 Steps to Investing Foolishly" guide and other nifty investment freebies when you register! Click here: http://by.advertising.com/1/c/23097/18311//45001 <a href="http://by.advertising.com/1/c/23097/18311//45001";> AOL users click here </a> =======================--------- Quote of the Day: The Problem with Reality is the lack of background music" - Anonymous =======================--------- Ken Swarmer: Eating Out [ I forgot to send this one last week. If you deleted my last humor mailing without reading it (but I know you wouldn't do something so rash--after all, I know your email address!), I'm sending out Ken Swarmer's weekly column... only at pbbt.com! ] You know how it is when you go to a decent restaurant, one that costs a fair amount of money but you decided you and your family were worth it, and invariably, there�s that one obnoxious family with the unruly children? The ones eating with their hands or shouting �who cut the cheese?� That�s the Swarner�s. I�d like to apologize. Ironically, my wife and I are fairly reserved people who have really nice table manners. In fact, you could invite the two of us over to eat on your expensive wedding china and not feel the least bit uneasy. The misses and I have also spent years training our children on proper manners. You�d think that would count for something. Of course, you�d also think my kids wouldn�t grab the bread rolls before the server can finish placing the basket on our table. Every time I think I�ve covered all of the rules for eating out in public, my children prove me wrong. Who would have thought I�d need to go over the inappropriateness of drinking salad dressing with a straw? I have, however, noticed you and your family while dining out. In fact, just the other day, I pointed one of your children out to my kids. "Look at that child," I said. "You don�t see him gulping milk, beating his knife like a drum stick, or diving under the table to demonstrate the earthquake drill he learned today at school." "I�m not showing you what I did during the earthquake drill," my son argued. "Then why are you under the table?" "I dropped my roll." "So what�s taking you so long to get it?" He stuck his head out from under the tablecloth: "I�m wiping the butter off your shoe." Sometimes, I can�t stand it any longer and I escape to the bathroom to sneak a few moments away from the carnage. Once inside, I can�t tear myself away from the refreshing peace and tranquility. Of course, I start to feel a little weird standing in there as people shuffled in and out, so, to compensate, I pretend I�m a washroom attendant and hand paper towels to startled men exiting the toilet stalls. Back at the table, I apologize to my wife for abandoning her, and then I help sop up the spilled milk�in her purse. But the apologizes don�t end there. I also feel obliged to say sorry to our server. But, he or she just usually laughs it off, explaining that it�s really the busboy who will have to scrape the dried spaghetti sauce off the floor. I half-expect to see my kids� faces on wanted posters the next time I walk into a restaurant � the sign will read: �Beware, wanted for food stains in 29 counties � considered armed and dangerous.� When I can no longer stand it, (usually by dessert), I finally threaten my son and daughter. "I�m not taking you kids to a restaurant again," I yell. "Got that?!" They typically nod sheepishly, even though they have that one memorized. "Good," I�ll add. "Now, on the count of three, everyone lift their feet for the busboy." I�ve got to start eating at home more often! Ken Swarner is author of Children: The Story of a Corporate Merger available on his website at www.kenswarner.bigstep.com. He can be emailed at [EMAIL PROTECTED] =======================--------- Get paid to talk with Dialfreecalls.com! Sign up is FREE. Get 2 � hours of FREE long distance each month, Guaranteed clear reception using MCI/WorldCom�s network and No credit card required � sign up today! Click Here http://by.advertising.com/1/c/23097/18710//45001 <a href="http://by.advertising.com/1/c/23097/18710//45001";> AOL users click here </a> =======================--------- Murphy's Law of the Day: The Futility Factor (Carson's Consolation) No experiment is ever a complete failure -- it can always serve as a bad example, or the exception that proves the rule (but only if it is the first experiment in the series). =======================--------- Bonus Murphy's Law of the Day! Orion's Law Everything breaks down. =======================--------- "Looking for old high school friends on the Net? Go to ClassMates.com! Your 24-Hour Online High School Class Reunion. Keep the promises you made at graduation to stay in touch. ClassMates.com!!! Finding Old Friends!" http://by.advertising.com/1/c/23097/18795//45001 <a href="http://by.advertising.com/1/c/23097/18795//45001";> AOL users click here </a> =======================--------- This mailing is NEVER sent without your express permission. Please feel free to forward this email on in it's entirety. To subscribe: http://www.pbbt.com/funnystuff/ mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] To unsubscribe: Click the link at the bottom of this message, or mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] To send feedback: mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] Advertising: We are always looking for quality advertisers for the pbbt.com website and this mailing list. Please email mailto:[EMAIL PROTECTED] for rates and sales information. 25% discount* if you mention funnystuff. This joke was brought to you by the funnystuff mailing list. Get today's joke on the web @ http://www.pbbt.com/funnystuff/today.shtml ============================================================ A personal trainer for your email inbox, My Topica's free newsletter management system provides total email conditioning thru archives, organizers, and options. http://click.topica.com/caaabDlb1dhsSb1uOHTf/register ============================================================ ==^================================================================ EASY UNSUBSCRIBE click here: http://topica.com/u/?b1dhsS.b1uOHT Or send an email To: [EMAIL PROTECTED] This email was sent to: [email protected] T O P I C A -- Learn More. Surf Less. Newsletters, Tips and Discussions on Topics You Choose. http://www.topica.com/partner/tag01 ==^================================================================
[Funnystuff] Ken Swarmer: Eating Out
PBBT.COM Funnystuff Mailing List Thu, 10 May 2001 08:11:02 -0700
