------- Forwarded Message Follows -------
From: [EMAIL PROTECTED] (Judyth Mermelstein)
To: [EMAIL PROTECTED]
Subject: Fwd: Merger mania
Date: 21 May 1998 03:41:05 GMT
Organization: Babylon, Montreal, Canada
(forwarded by a friend)
Chrysler Corporation was just bought out by Daimler-Benz, and now SBC and
Ameritech (two big telecoms) are courting. Who's next?
CONCORD, N.H., May 14 (Reuters) -- Continuing the wave of consolidation
that saw Alabama, Mississippi, and Georgia join to form Nationsouth,
Vermont and New Hampshire signed a deal today that will combine the two
into one state with the motto "Live Free or Whatever." The deal involves a
stock swap in which cows from Vermont and chickens from New Hampshire will
be exchanged one-for-one.
BANGOR, Me., Aug. 22 (Bloomberg) -- Stephen King announced today that he
had acquired Joyce Carol Oates in a deal that will allow him to increase
production by as much as 125 percent, boosting his output to at least one
novel a month. The new author, who will do business as Stephen, Joyce,
King, Carol & Oates, will be one of the most violent and critically
acclaimed novelists working today.
Though Mr. King sells more books than Ms. Oates, analysts say the
acquisition of the respected writer will help him to make inroads into new
markets, such as college literature classes. "It's a win-win situation,"
Mr. King said in an exclusive interview with The New York Daily Newsday
Times. "Joyce has the prestige I've been looking for and is one of the few
writers who can keep up with my production schedule."
An earlier deal in which Mr. King had hoped to buy Upjohn Inc. fell
through when Mr. King was informed that the company was not John Updike.
NEW YORK, Dec. 15 (AP) -- In a move that rocked the Street today, Bert and
Ernie announced that they had merged to form Bernie, a giant conglomeration
of felt that will move them into the number-two spot, past Big Bird and
just behind Barney. In recent years the two had lost sponsorship from the
letter P and the number 5, and analysts say that the merger will help to
solidify their market share. "This is a logical move for us," Bert said. "
'Share' is our favorite word."
WASHINGTON, May 3 (UPI) -- In a deal that resonated in homes across the
country, Cats announced today that it had completed a hostile takeover of
Dogs. The new company, which Cats said will be called OnePet, will supplant
the recently created Birdfishgroup as the world's largest supplier of home
companion services.
PARIS, Nov. 14 (Agence France-Presse) -- In what is thought to be the
biggest merger of all time, Men and Women have agreed to join forces into
one sex, to be called Humanicorp. The details of the arrangement are still
being hammered out, but early negotiations have Men taking breasts. Women
have agreed in principle to watch ESPN but have refused to give up
self-respect. There are also serious antitrust issues that will need to be
resolved.
Bob, a spokesman for Men, said that Men had been trying for years
to merge with Women and that this was the culmination of a long-held dream
for them. Women were unavailable for comment.
ROME, May 30, 2305 (Religious News Service) -- After several eons of
discord and competition for the souls of Humanicorp, God and Satan have
decided to merge in a deal that will join heaven and hell.
"Some say I've made a deal with the Devil," said God, who appeared
simultaneously on CNN, Fox News, the major networks, and all radios and
personal computers, as well as in the sky. "But I prefer to think of this
as two former adversaries setting aside differences for the good of
consumers."
Those close to the delicate negotiations said that God would be
chairman of the combined company and that Satan would hold the post of
president. Merger talks broke off several centuries ago, in part because
the executives could not reach an agreement on who would run a combined
company. Reminded of his famous rebuff of God at that time, "Better to
reign in hell than serve in heaven," Satan joked, "I take it back." Satan's
old organization, whose name is Legion, does not plan any layoffs.
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Phillipa Rispin ~ Writer & Editor ~ Montreal, Quebec, Canada
E-mail: [EMAIL PROTECTED] ~ Phone: 514-481-9861 ~ Fax: 514-481-8608
Paranoia means having all the facts. --- William Burroughs
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