Outsourcing Of Jobs Reaches The President
by Staff Reporter Melynda Jill
Washington DC - Congress today announced that the office of President of the
United States of America will be outsourced to India as of February 28, 2006.
The move is being made to save the President’s $400,000 yearly salary, and also
a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead the office
has incurred during the last 5 years.
"We believe this is a wise move financially. The cost savings should be significant,"
stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). Reynolds, with the aid of the
Government Accounting Office, has studied outsourcing of American jobs
extensively. "We cannot expect to remain competitive on the world stage
with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.
Mr. Bush was informed by email this morning of his termination. Preparations for the job move have been
underway or sometime. Gurvinder Singh
of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India, will be assuming the office of President
as of March 1, 2006. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his
Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, thus making him eligible for
the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month but with no health
coverage or other benefits.
It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities
without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and
India, he will be working primarily at night when offices of the US Government
will be open. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job
at the American Express call center, "stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive
interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would
be President someday."
A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware
of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a
problem, because Bush was not familiar with the issues either. Mr. Singh will
rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most
topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns
without having to understand the underlying issues at all. "We know these
scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has
used them successfully for years." Mr. Singh may have problems with the
Texas drawl, but lately Bush has abandoned the "down home" persona in
his effort to appear intelligent and on top of the Katrina situation.
Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of
employment. Following a two week waiting period, he will be eligible for $240 a
week unemployment for 13 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for
Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit. Mr. Bush
has been provided the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write
a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition. According to Manpower,
Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to limited
practical work experience. A Greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested due to
Bushs extensive experience shaking hands and phony smile. Another possibility is
Bushs re-enlistment in the Texas Air National Guard. His prior records are
conspicuously vague but should he choose this option, he would likely be
stationed in Waco, TX for a month, before being sent to Iraq, a country he has
visited.
"I’ve been there, I know all about Iraq," stated Mr. Bush, who gained
invaluable knowledge of the country in a visit to the Baghdad Airports terminal
and gift shop. Sources in Baghdad and Falluja say Mr. Bush would receive a warm
reception from local Iraqis. They have asked to be provided with details of his
arrival so that they might arrange an appropriate welcome. Congress
continues to explore other outsourcing possibilities including that of Vice
president and most Cabinet positions.
