LMAO. Steve... have you been drinking Muscatel again? You know that scheiße
makes you hallucinate!
PS - Whatever you do, don't try to squirt mustard on one of those crazy Cajuns.
Cee
----- Original Message -----
From: Steve McKibben
To: gatortalk@googlegroups.com
Sent: Thursday, October 08, 2009 3:32 PM
Subject: [gatortalk] It's that time of year...
LSU fans smell just like corn dogs.
Yes, it is often said, but so, so true.
LSU fans do smell like corn dogs.
I would never tell them that to their face though. This is something
better said at internet distances. Even now, I am afraid.
I am afraid that they'll know I said it. I'll walk past an LSU fan
someday, and he'll see that look in my eye that gives it away. That look that
says, "gee, what is that smell? Is it corn dogs?" The next thing you know, I'll
have flat tires on my car.
If you only learn one thing from me today, remember not to tell LSU
fans how they smell - you know, like corn dogs.
LSU fans seem, somehow, sensitive to that whole corn dog issue.
I think this may be why a lot of fans get beaten up by LSU fans. If you
attend a game in Baton Rouge, try to avoid telling them that they smell like
corn dogs. Say something else instead. Like, "Wow, LSU sure does have a great
team this year. This is going to be a great SEC game."
It's hard. I know. It's like when you're having sex and you try to
think about baseball. That corn dog smell is just so overwhelming. It makes it
hard for you to think about football or baseball or whatever else. Your brain
wanders into corn dog topics like: "Gee, I wonder if I took a bite of your
finger, if you would taste just like a corn dog?"; or "Is this a real person or
is it a giant corn dog trying to make me think it is a real person?" or "What
did that giant corn dog just say?" or "Excuse me, Mister, why is it that you
smell just exactly like corn dogs smell?" or, of course, after a silencer:
"Madam, did you just let the corn dogs out?"
Heck, after what I've heard about LSU fans, I think it may be better
not to smell them at all. Okay, not all of them. Some of them are nice. Sure.
Smell the nice ones. That's okay.
You know what else is a bad thing to do? Holding your nose around them.
They are real sensitive to that, too. Try holding your breath. But don't be
obvious about it. Somehow they know you're trying not to breathe in the corn
dog smell. And that offends them. They'll likely punch you for that if they
catch on to what you're doing.
If you do breathe it in long enough, though, it'll permeate your whole
body, and then you'll smell like a corn dog just like they do. But don't say,
"Dang, now I smell like a corn dog." They take offense to that. And they will
throw things. But not corn dogs. Hard stuff. Stuff that leaves bruises and
makes you bleed. Then you may have to get stitches or something. Just don't say
it. If you do start smelling like a corn dog, just shut up about it. Okay?
I think kids are acutely aware of corn dog smells too. Counsel your
kids on how to behave around LSU fans. If LSU fans are driving around town, do
not let your kids stick their heads out of your car window and sniff the air.
No. Keep your windows rolled up. An odd change in their expression - indicating
they smell corn dogs - might get a wrench or pipe or some other object tossed
at your windshield. So, that's
dangerous. Let your kids stick their heads out of the car windows as
you drive - on some other weekend
I know you are just as puzzled as I am about some of this corn dog
stuff. What puzzles me most is that I've never actually seen any of these LSU
fans with a corn dog in their hand. Okay, maybe there's no mystery there -
maybe they already ate the corn dogs. Who knows?
Maybe there's a corn dog factory in Baton Rouge and they all work
there. Maybe, there's a corn dog lotion that they wear, or a French perfume.
Maybe their city council puts corn dog juice in the water supply - kind of like
fluoride. The politics there are probably weird. The big political issue during
the city election is whether they should add more ketchup or more mustard to
the water. Don't comment on it though. It's not politically correct over there.
It's like a malnutrition issue or something. It's like the corn dogs are
probably added to the water to prevent starvation or something.
I know when you go to Baton Rouge, you're thinking: "Ahhhh. Here I am
in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I'll bet the people here smell just like boiled
crawfish or shrimp etoufee' or some fancy Cajun food." But just stop thinking
that. That's just a myth. They smell just like corn dogs.
In fact, please listen to my advice. Leave them alone about the corn
dog odor. And don't try masking the odor with something stronger. They'll curse
at you. They'll say something like: "WTF, how dare you smoke a cigar in my
home," or "WTF!! Are you too good for the smell of corn dogs?" and they'll cuss
out your kids too: "WTF!!! Little Mister fancy pants over here acts like he
doesn't want to smell like corn dogs."
Cajuns are not like us. Don't you see that, yet? They are really
sensitive about being sniffed and about their corn dog aroma. They know they
smell like corn dogs and it is no laughing matter to them at all. I know, I
know. We sniff the bammers and the UGA dawgs and the Ole messes, and we keep a
straight face with each of them, but don't press your luck with the Cajun tiger
fans. Don't refer to Death Valley as corn dog valley either. I mean that's just
wrong. Even if you've been drinking, they'll beat you up and curse out your
kids.
Along these lines, be extra careful when you laugh in their direction -
even if you're laughing about something else. Like baseball or football, or sex
or whatever. If you can't control yourself and you must laugh though, do not
snort. The snorting makes them think that you smell their corn dog body odor
from a distance or that you're choking on it or something. They'll likely burn
your van for that. We lost a campus building over just one snort.
So, just remember. You can love one another without sniffing each
other. You can enjoy the clash of a couple of good football teams. You can
enjoy the thrill of the rivalry. But after the game, please heed my words.
Please just move along. No sniffing the opposing fans this Saturday. Okay? Get
your corn dog jollies at home.
Enough with this corn dog talk. Let's play ball...
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