http://www.insidebayarea.com/timesstar/ci_2475393
Gays and lesbians face challenges in Indian and Pakistani cultures
By Sarita Tukaram and for good. She then drove to a Bay Area nightclub
and five minutes later, left with a woman. and always wondered what it
was like inside. That night, I went in, got a girl and left," said
Sonia, who is lesbian and came out to her
But the real number is probably higher, given many are closet
homosexuals. Despite living in the shadow of San Francisco, the gay
capital of the world, many suppress their desires and grudgingly bow
to cultural norms, while others come out and court rejection.
Sonia did both. Convinced she was being a "good daughter" by keeping
her homosexuality a secret, Sonia agreed to a marriage her family had
arranged. "There was no question of marrying a woman, so I married
this man," she said.
"I thought I could live with him, have children and do all the things
most Indian women did."
She did all of that â cooked for her husband, kept the house and had
children, but "he just did not seem happy with me."
One night, she decided to leave him. "He cried like a baby and begged
for another chance, but I was done with the marriage," Sonia said.
After having hidden her sexual preference for years, Sonia decided to
come out to her family â parents, husband and in-laws.
"I was really tired. I didn't want to hide it anymore," she said. Her
family's response did not shock her. "They just did not reply. Not a
word. It's like it never happened," she said.
"To this day, my parents and I have not had a conversation about it;
we probably never will."
That's a battle Hrishikesh Sathawane seems to have won.
"My parents have come around now," said 30-year-old Hrishikesh, an
Indian-born homosexual who came out five years ago. "Initially it was
very difficult to get them to understand who I was and what I wanted."
Hrishikesh, a Bay Area resident, first realized he was gay during his
undergraduate years in India. "But I did not have the courage to
accept it," he said.
It was only after he came to the United States to pursue a master's
degree that Hrishikesh came to terms with his sexuality. "Listening to
other people's stories and seeing them comfortable with their
sexuality helped me a lot," he added.
His sister was the first to know and "was very supportive." But his
parents did not take the news well. "They felt it was a phase that
would pass," he said, "and even suggested I was possessed by a
spirit."
His parents also tried to emotionally blackmail him into marriage. "My
mother would show me her jewelry and get upset that she would not get
a chance to give it to her daughter-in-law," Hrishikesh recalled.
References to not being able to have his own children were repeatedly
made. But he learned to respond to his mother in the same vein â
through blackmail. "What if I had a partner who was not Indian?" he
would ask. "Or worse, what if I had no partner?"
Yet, the pressure to get married persisted, stemming only from the
need to bow to social norms. "Get married and everything will be
fine," his mother told him.
"After marriage, you can do what you want. The girl will adjust," she
had said. But Hrishikesh refused outright.
"Life in India, unlike in the U.S., is very rigid and set. You study,
grow up, get married and have children.
"Step out of this line, and the society pounces on you," he said.
"It's different here in America."
Junoon doesn't quite agree. "Before I came to the U.S., I had heard it
was a culturally diverse, very accepting country, but I have found
this to be just big talk," said the Nigerian-born Junoon, who is
transgendered and performs as a drag king. Junoon Walla, meaning the
passionate one, is his stage name.
"This country, too, has a long, long way to go," he added, referring
to the many instances of discrimination he has faced in America.
"There is a lot of talk and support for gays and lesbians â the Ls and
Gs," he said. "One never hears about the Bs (bisexual) and Ts
(transgender)."
Growing up in Pakistan, Junoon, a biological woman, spent most of his
time playing with boys on the street, refused to dress like a girl and
insisted on cutting his hair short.
"I'd be miserable in a salwar-kameez (a traditional dress for girls),"
he said of the few occasions he was forced to dress like a girl. "When
my mother stopped cutting my hair as I grew older, I would cut it
myself, and this upset her very much," he added.
When he decided to come to America in 1997 to pursue a master's
degree, Junoon hoped these pressures would end. But they did not.
"The U.S. has been a disappointment," said Junoon, who now works in
the Bay Area. "Often, people (who know I am transgendered) snicker
when they walk past me."
Even something as simple as walking into a restroom is a nightmare for
Junoon, who looks and dresses like a man. "I say 'hi' or make some
stupid remark when I enter a restroom so that other women can hear my
feminine voice and feel reassured," said Junoon.
Tired of fighting this discrimination, Junoon plans to settle in
Canada, which he believes is more accepting. "I know the cost of
living is higher there, but I'd forgo a few dollars for some peace of
mind," he said.
For others like Sonia, who are fighting against their cultural
identities and traditions, moving to another country may not solve
their problems. "I am tired of being the good daughter and feeling
miserable," Sonia said. "I just wish I wasn't Indian."
Sarita Tukaram is a student at the Graduate School of Journalism at
the University of California, Berkeley. She can be reached at
[EMAIL PROTECTED]
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