No conclusions.......No regrets........
If you are lazyyy.....then get up from ur laziness and start taking the steps
to get what u wish........... LOVE ALL
*************************************************
It was during the days when I used to attend the classes for my 12th. Ved
joined the same classes some days later. Not very handsome, not very
attractive, he was not the type to take away my breath at the start and I dont
recollect giving more than a cursory look for the initial few days. Being a
home to classes and back types, there was also little opportunity of knowing
him as such.
A few days later while having that chai with a mutual friend we got
acquainted better.
A shot of tobacco and that cig., was enuff, to get me, to put him high on my
dislike index (I still do dislike him for that).
Months passed with us going to the same class him smoking and my awarding
him more points on that index.
With December, the examiner wielding his pen like an axe was looming large.
Since he and a girl were studying together I asked whether I could also join so
that we could study jointly.
Then started days of my picking him up, going to study with her.
Though I used to come back in afternoon, for some reason I used to still go
and pick him up in evening from her house and drop him back. I believed I still
didnt like him and I was doing this just as he did not have a vehicle.
(Philanthropist!????)
Days passed and we used to wander around together. Somehow, somewhere I
learned that maybe this person is not as bad a person as I made out to be. He
may have some habits I didnt care about positively but he was good at heart.
The daily roam of an hour, the ride back, the time that was spent was something
I started looking forward to. In those pre-college days, just being able to
keep my hands on his shoulders when he used to drive would give me the kicks.
Never really knew when the hands found their way from holding his shoulders to
his thighs but there they were!
And during all this time, the closeness of our bodies meant a rise in my need
to hold him, to be with him
.. to be in a state where I could be one with him.
This was a thought that used to be with me through the day and grow as light
waned. The thought of him, his touch, the very scent of his sweat after playing
together played havoc with all my carnal tendencies.
While wrestling and tickling each other he would hug me tightly. That used to
make me think if he really has something in mind about me. Of course I could
hardly think of telling him was too shy and too afraid, of it. I still
remember the sight of him when he came out of the shower and stood before me
with only his basics on
it was a sheer effort not to touch or ever to tear
my eyes from him. Amidst all this came an unexpected windfall of sorts.
Ved asked me if I could come to his home at night to study. There was of
course no question about not going. After a small attempt at learning that,
which we had anyway not been able to master in broad daylight we called it a
shot and went to sleep together. My heart was like wild at the very thought and
though sleep refused to come anywhere near, I did pretend to sleep. And soon
enough I was rewarded with a leg casually thrown over mine as he dozed like an
angel beside me. It took a lot of courage, but finally I could manage to get
closer and bury my face into his armpits. Soon we were wrapped together with
his one leg between mine as I threw my leg over his waist and my hand over his
chest. By this time I had a raging hard on and this seemed close to my
fantasies since I had seen him step out of the shower. I pretended to scratch
and gingerly touched his crotch. But he suddenly put a protective hand and I
let it rest at that, content with the way things were. And this way we
lay till the wee hours of morning with me dozing off and on in between.
He got up in morning with no trace showing how close we were but maybe he
had even realized things, which had kept me awake for the better part of the
night.
The next night we again tried studying, failed immediately and went to sleep
but this time there was nothing that happened and though on the same bed, we
were like on separate poles of the earth.
And that was the last night we studied together too.
Though the exams were now close, I was focused and concentrated on only the
sight of that body out of the shower and the night we had spent do as I might
I could not divert myself.
With no big surprise I flunked in 2 subjects. The only good part was Ved also
flunked in 5 and it was study time for both of us J
By this time, during vacations, Ved had started dating a girl and though I
had no specific reason to visit him, under of excuse of meetings common frnds I
would end up meeting him.
So there (happily for the failure) we ended up studying together. I wud go to
his place by 7.30 in morning and we wud head up to the terrace. It was in a
sense kind of childish the way we used to study. One of us used to read while
the other listened and then goes about this way in turns, sittng close to each
other with his hand around my shoulders. Sometimes as I kept my hand on this
thigh it would touch his privates, and that was worth all the time spent
together.
In study breaks we used to sit downstairs talking and me hearing him say,
asking where he went, with whom, did what
. the questions would flow just to
keep him talking.
Often with frnds I used to complete his sentences(having already heard them
earlier).
Friends who used to chance on us used to tease us whether we were studying
or as a couple
He never used to mind and I used to be happier by each such
comment. Somewhere during this time, I felt that I am not just attracted
physically, but also emotionally to him.
I am in luv with him.
I used to live to listen to him, to look at him, to be with him.
He used to be in thoughts thru the day, nites and dreams. If he showed
displeasure in any act I wud for with leave it. I wud dream of him when reading
a book, while watching a movie. Of settling with him and bearing (or adopting)
his kids.
Life was good and painful at the same time. His girlfriend was a constant
source of jealously to me.
We had till then not seen any movie together it was THE romantic thing to
do, but I cud not muster the courage to ask him out for it. With gr8 courage I
asked him finally if he was free in the nite for a movie and after a small
silence
yes! Dont know whether I watched even Milind Soman or not with
him beside me.
For the next two years it was just I and he going to the movies together
and as frnds noticed we wud not ask anyone else with us we were increasingly
teased as hubby and wife (J). By this time I used to make him drive the vehicle
and sit behind. He was also very comfortable with me holding around him or
keeping my hands on his thighs.
But somewhere on this things started souring. Other than a Hi or hello, he
used to restrict his communications with me. This used to further drive me mad
and I ended up responding tit-for-tat. But finally I asked him, and he just
feigned hmmmmm? I am talking to you ant I? and I left it at that and
drove off.
And so it continued that even if we were together for hours with friends, we
seldom used to exchange more than lapin pleasantries. Each day I would hope for
some change in him, some restart of our relation but come back to the bed
with a broken heart.
One day while riding back to his house, while resting my hands on his thighs
, which was normal by then, I accidentally touched him where I shouldnt have.
His sharp retort hey, what r u doing. Just take your hands off my thighs.
More than the words, his sharp voice broke me totally.
I never said that if I m loving him, then he has to love me back. Or what
emotions I have for him, he should also have those emotions for me. He might be
feeling violated when I touched him anywhere his body. He never said anything
to me when I used to touch him anywhere. I was taking him for granted that he
likes me and he is going to have sex with me. I realised this is my fault that
I was taking him for granted.
This incident taught me a lesson. I started to watch my own feelings from a
third persons eye. Whenever I used to go close to him I would think not less
than 10 times and then do particular things .Then again I loved him but now but
I could understand, when I was going too close to him, and when he was not in
the mood to have me around him. I used to be around him so much that he was
getting addicted to my touch. He used to show nervousness on his face when I
wouldnt go close to him or touch him.
One more incident in between. Me and him and a group of girls and boys were
going to Bhushi Dam near Lonavala. He was waiting after every some time to have
a drink. After 2nd time I really got angry. I wanted to slap him hard. He got a
clue that I m angry. He tried to talk with me but I didnt say a word to him.
So when we reached the dam, he himself came near me and started talking. He was
trying to get close to me. Once in the waterfall, for more than 2 minutes he
hugged me. Then I couldnt resist myself to talking to him and then I really
enjoyed the trip.
Keeping my hands on his thighs very near to his privates and moving my
fingers slightly, circling there, was my favorite time pass when we would go to
bar to have some drinks. I would be in my senses as I used to take soft drinks.
And after some pegs of his, he would come closer to me, charging me without
drinking.
I really dont know what was on his mind. I can say for sure that he is not
gay. He never touched me in that manner or he never passed any of the comments
about the guys passing by. He was as cold as other straight guys are, in the
guys (or should I say gays?) matter. Sometimes the issue of homosexuality
would be discussed in the group. But not in the serious manner but as a joke.
So even I would laugh at their dirty jokes. But I used to see at him and then
laugh. So that he might get an idea but that never happened. There are two
things about him. 1.He knew everything what I wanted to tell him through
signals. 2. He didnt get any clue what I wanted to tell him. Or the third and
thing I can say now. . He knew what I wanted to tell him but as he was not gay
he didnt feel to give importance to those things. I think 3rd options is
realistic. He never wanted to take the 1st step. He wanted me to touch him 1st.
He wanted me to talk with him 1st. I would really get pissed like
this.
By this time he was in a relation with a girl. As the result we stopped going
for wandering in the night. I would go to his house to meet him and our
friends. Many A times I would go to his place after he would be back. But
sometimes he would get late So if I dont see him there, I would just give
plain smiles to other people and when he would return, I would give him a
really lovely smile. I know these things when other friends used to tease me.
And I would not give them a shit. Sometimes my restlessness would bring me on
verge of crying. But as soon as he would come, my restlessness would disappear
like a black cloud blown away by a beautiful breeze.
I have always trusted God the most. Whenever I need something badly, I would
say, God, I love you. You must know what I want right now by reading my mind.
I really love you. I have said this line to my lovely God all the times and I
have got most of the things till this day in my life. So if I have asked God,
to give me something, and he gave me it, then I never forget to thank him. Oh
my sweet God, you are so nice that you are giving me everything that I am
needing. And next time when I want something, I ask for something moreJ
I can say one thing about him for sure. Till date he hasnt told anybody that
I touch him. Or whenever I sit near him I m over my hands on his back or press
my hands on his thighs. I really thank him for not telling that to anybody.
By this time four years had passed. I was loving him and just hoping that I
would get him in the bed one or other day. I used to touch him or hold him or
hold his hand constantly. That was making my lust for him grow more. He was
getting really getting addicted to my touch. If by some reason I were angry
with him, then I would not go close to him or hold him. Then he would come near
me and try to keep his hand on my shoulder or try to beat me very lightly. And
as soon as he would touch me my anger would melt like a wax.
Sometimes this would give me tensions that what is my future with this guy?
He is not going to marry me, as he is not gay. He has girl friend and he will
marry her only. I was growing restless thinking just this and nothing other.
Not a single minute wouldnt pass when I havent thought about him. Even if in
the class, even if working or completing my projects. When I was listening to
music or I was watching a movie, I was thinking about him and just him. I was
really going mad for him.
Then I read a mail on the GB list. They had specified some parameters and if
you were suiting those parameters then u had to check your doctor for
depression! I was suiting most of the parameters. I was having less sleep. I
would eat less and still feel that I had enough of eating. This guy was taking
a toll on my health. Not a good sign.
So I email-ed that guy and asked for help. Then one day that guy and me met
for a chat and I told him my all story. He told me that I had go to a doctor.
My mind was not ready to accept the thing that I was somehow a mental patient.
So I asked him if there was no other way. So he told me that having sex with
completely unknown person would do the needful as my problem was regarding more
with less of sex. Then I thought, is Ved so important that he is unbalancing my
mental health. REALLY NOT. Is that guy worth my life? NO.NEVER. Then why m I
crazy about him. I decided to give less attention to him.
And I decided to do one more thing. To tell him that I m a gay and I like him
very much. After taking this decision. I felt sooooooo relaxed. But there was a
problem again. I didnt know how to tell him and where to tell him that I am
gay. I was not thinking of any good place to tell him that. So I decided that I
would take him to a good restaurant and while having our beer or dinner I would
let him know. After thinking for some days, I decided that, this was the best
option I had before me. So I tentatively decided that date. But unfortunately
it was not possible for me to go to his home and take him to the restaurant.
Another cause for a tension.
Then I read somewhere that there is no need to come open to everybody who is
around you. So then I decided not to tell that I am gay but if possible to have
sex with him, at least once. But there was problem of place and time. As he was
working in some company he would get time only in the evening and night. And
arranging a place in the night was difficult for me. ???? . I was simply
ruining my mental health because of this person. And I was very sure that he
was not worth that.
As I was thinking that he was not worth me. A change was taking place in me.
I was caring less for him now than before. Then again I was not ready to accept
that I was caring less for him. This guy occupied my mind, my thoughts for more
than 5 years. It was difficult but still possible to take him out of my mind. I
was constantly thinking that now I dont love him but just once I want to have
sex with him. Having a 10 to 15 minutes sex with him was the Fruit of my 5 long
years wait. That sex had charged me my mental instability for more than 5 to 6
months. I had given him so much of my thinking. And now I think, he was not
worth that! This was a taxing thought for sure.
Still having sex with him was one thing that left for me to do. I was
searching for some incident that would send my family out of the station for at
least 3 days. And by gods grace, I got that opportunity. My family was going
out of station for 7 days! Hurray!
This was a golden chance for me to complete my dream. But I did not know
what to do and how to start. So I consulted (!) one of my gay friends. He told
me that I could take him for a beer or some hard drinks. And in that I can add
some Viagra. He even got me two tablets (talk of camaraderie!) I got some
heterosexuals blue films to turn him on. Then I called him up and told that
nobody was there at my home for three days so is it possible for him to come
tonight at my home. He said NO, because he already had some plans for that
night. I felt so bad hearing that. So I made a promise that he would come
tomorrow for sure. He agreed to that. So the next day I again prepared all the
things. So he came by that time. It was a good sign that he was already drunk.
I didnt need to use my tablets.
And that night my dream came true.
Now I dont care for him much. And the word love has disappeared from my mind
for him. He has got engaged with the same girl. I was really scared to attend
his engagement ceremony. But I attended it. All guys were teasing me because he
was getting engaged to her. I said it is good that he is not getting engaged to
me otherwise his life would be not less than hell, thereafter. Though I was a
bit apprehensive of attending his engagement, nothing happened. I behaved cool.
He was trying to come close to me. But I strictly kept him at a distance.
As my mind is not busy thinking of him now, I think more and more good things
now. I feel free. I have overcome my mental tensions. So many good things are
happening just because there are more scopes in my life just than him.
THANK YOU MY SWEETIE GOD. I LOVE YOU.
---------------------------------
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