Dear Mr.Confessions, (perhaps its time to find another alias? :D) Thanks for your post. Your comments after the story ring true, and although I am sure many others have thought the same things, I am glad that you've put them down in one place.
I am closeted, (surprise, surprise), but almost all my friends know about my sexuality. They are all straight, and over four years I chose with care the time and the situation in which I came out to each one of them. Today all the 15 guys in my college hostel wing (and others besides) are fine with it to the extent that in streets and in restaurants, they point to (what they think are) good-looking boys and ask with a wicked smile, "AB.,quick! 3-o-clock! kaisa laga? :D" I am all the more pleased because not all of these friends are city lads; They are from small towns and cities from Bihar, UP, Andhra, Rajasthan, and whatnot. Perhaps I'll post someday about my experiences in detail. But I brought this up because, although at the end of your letter, you say "With a little luck and a bit of courage in many hearts, things will pass", what we all want is that these "things come to pass" within our own lifetime (or even better, youth). I wanted to let the readers know that if done right, people are far more capable of accepting homosexuality than we think, especially if they closely know a homosexual themselves. It is in our hands alone to speed up the process by which we are accepted within our immediate circle, and thus reach the 'critical mass' at which a society begins to turn its attitude towards us. --- In gay_bombay@yahoogroups.com, naughty confessions <naughty_confessio...@...> wrote: > > > Thoughts from a married homosexual > > I don't know where or when the posting (reproduced below) first appeared, > but it is evidently by a man with homosexual yearnings in India. I think it > represents the feelings of a lot of people who know they don't belong to the > heterosexual world but cannot see any other world. > > I am a 38 year old guy and have spend a greater part of my life in Delhi, > right since I was born, my education, my first job etc. > I never had any real sexual experience with any guy till my first job, though > I always fantasised myself having sex with some of the good looking guys in > my class, getting pics from magazines such as Gladrags and shagging in the > bathroom looking at those pics. I also spent a good amount of time cruising > for guys in Andheri and Bandra railway stations when I was in Mumbai. > It was a time when the internet had not caught on and you had a very decent > crowd coming to these stations, that is now abound with touts. I also allowed > myself to be probed by guys in crowded trains. Once the internet came in, > then the means changed and the web became a new field for cruising. One thing > I did observe in the gay community, whether it was in the stations or in the > web, the focus was tremendously on sex. It all boiled down to ASL and stats > in 99 % of the cases. > > > I also got confused with this approach and the meaningfulness of the same and > during the time I was also under pressure to get married. I was with a good > organization, was very well qualified and had the advantage of good looks. > Even today if I happen to chat, I say am 25 and am able to get along with > that. In fact most of the guys I met who were in their mid 20s actually > looked much older than me. > > Before I get into something else, let me come back to the issue of marriage > that started troubling me. I spent long hours wondering on how to tackle this > issue, I never came out in the open to my family. Even today I am not out. I > had lengthy discussions with my elder brother on the significance of marriage > and what it means to my life. I also had fears of sexual compatibility with > my wife and how I intend to do justice to her and my kid in the future. I was > also disillusioned with the gay world, not because it was not socially > acceptable, but with the hollowness of the whole concept of adopting a gay > life. > I am also an avid reader of the Bhagwad Gita and must say that it's the > mother of all books on modern thinking. And I must share with you that it's a > book which is very practical today and sends a very powerful message across > and the best part is that it does not insist on you following it nor has it > anything to do with religion. Its about doing your duty with all the skill > and excelling in whichever field you are in. > > This is one thing that was deeply etched in my mind and I started evaluating > what is the course of action that best supports my objective of focusing on > my skills and that takes me towards excellence. After spending quite some > time contemplating of my sexual orientation, I finally agreed to get married. > My marriage was arranged and my wife comes from a good family with a > professional qualification like mine. The initial month was good in terms of > sexual experiences and since I was indulging in sex with a woman for the > first time, I myself was exploring and I did enjoy. After a month the novelty > died down and the pressure of my work took on me. > I must admit at this point of time that I was not sexually attracted to my > wife and still used to fantasize about guys. I often "came" thinking about > guys when I made love to my wife. The fact however is also this that though I > never liked her sexually, I did love her, took care of her and always looked > forward to being with her. I took her along with me for every assignment, > though I had to incur huge amount of expenses in traveling and lodging. I > remember being with hospitalized and how she spend those moments with me, at > times she often fought with the doctors for me and often broke down in front > of the doctors when they were not able to diagnose my illness. But she never > shed a single tear in front of me. We then decided to have a kid, and again > we spent a long time discussion on whether we should really have a kid, > whether we are capable of giving it a meaningful life. We finally went ahead > with our plans. > All this time I always was wondering whether I should tell my wife about my > sexuality. I had actually stopped going to the net and somehow the gay > environment was sickening most of the time. I also wondered whether the kind > of support that I got from my wife, being with me when I needed help the most > and supporting me in my career, could these things have been achieved with a > gay partner. I felt sex is just one of the binders in a relationship, it may > be critical. > But a relationship that is based purely on sexual orientation may actually > end up in a disaster. Relationship or lets call it partnership is also got to > do with your career growth, your financial aspirations, your social > relationships and its not just satisfying your instincts. Today my marriage > is more that three years old and its solid. My love to my wife has grown > stronger by the day. The happiest moment came when we had our daughter. I get > a great feeling of happiness runs through me when she holds my hand, when she > stops crying when I lift her, when I see the most beautiful smile on her face > when I return from office. Could I ever got this had I been with a gay > partner. > Today I enjoy making love with my wife, I miss her when she is not around. I > do fantasize guys, I even have sex with them when I am out of station, but > its my wife whom I love. I may be wrong in my assumptions, but I feel we > should not confuse sexual orientation with a relationship. Very few human > beings are pure gays or pure straights. Our sexuality is somewhere in the > spectrum between a pure gay and a pure straight. 94% of the guys lie in this > spectrum > > The balance % are at the extremes. We often follow the herd mentality in the > gay community and label ourselves as gays though we may not be pure gays. May > be I'll share my orientation with my wife when there is a greater maturity in > understanding such sexual orientations or I may choose not to share at all. > Over a period of time I have also got disillusioned with the gay environment. > There's a tremendous absence of genuineness and sincerity among most of the > guys I met, which was surprising since we expect at least guys from the same > community to understand each other. > This I am not talking of any particular category of guys in the community. I > find it everywhere, whether he be from the chat room, a part animal or even a > guy with a profile in gay sites, whether he is qualified with a responsible > position in his organization or a guy with a business back ground or a call > center guy. It's true that my urge often takes me to meet this guys, either > in parties or through the net. But when I sit and contemplate about the > futility my experiences, I pray to God to give me the will to get out of this. > > The situation he finds himself in is, alas, all too common; many men with > homosexual inclinations will be able to identify with his predicament. They > too will have found themselves choosing marriage, having children, but still > seeking gay sex. Even so, they will say their homosexual side, while giving > them relief, provides no real satisfaction, and looking around, they don't > see how anyone can get any satisfaction from a gay relationship. So, all > things considered, they think their situation the best that is possible, > however perilous it may be with the risk of exposure. > Some live their entire lives cheating on their wives and learning to manage > that risk. Others want some way to dispose of their homosexual yearnings, so > that they can avoid emotional conflict, and they are joined by those who, > while not yet married, also do not see how they can afford to be gay. > This desire to resolve the conflict between sexual longing that points in one > direction and social acceptance and family demands that point in the opposite > direction is the market that 'therapy purveyors' exploit. > By this term, I don't mean the professional counsellors who help their > clients towards self awareness and self acceptance. Rather, I mean the > less-than-scrupulous so-called counsellors and therapy groups that > essentially reinforce the subjects' desire to be rid of their homosexual > orientation. They tell their subjects what they want to hear, when it is > hardly a realistic goal. > Some of them in their efforts, bring latent homophobia in their subjects to > the boil, thus generating even more self-hate than they started with. Others > have resorted to measures that can be described as psychological and even > physical abuse, as part of the so-called therapy. > Of course, we know that they don't work. You would have thought that after > half a century of such programs, there'd be at least one verifiable case of > success. But no, every now and then, we hear scandalous stories about poster > boys of these "reparative therapy" movements cruising in dark alleys or gay > bars, or better still, turning around and denouncing the program. [1] > But those are just the headlines. Meanwhile, millions of > homosexually-inclined men continue to live conflicted lives and cheat on > their wives. > * * * * * > Take a look again at the story. There are two fundamental starting conditions > that make the story. The first is that all the other homosexual persons the > writer has ever met, have been those looking primarily for sex. The second -- > and not unrelated to the first -- is that the writer is in the closet. > In fact, you can surmise that the vast majority of the other homosexuals he > has encountered, were also in the closet. The "gay world" that he described > is a demimonde. > When people are deeply in the closet, there is no reason to reveal themselves > any more than is absolutely necessary to get the one thing they cannot do > without -- sex. You don't need to reveal your real name; you don't need to > tell anyone who you really are and what you really feel. All you need to do > is to indicate your availability for sex, and a advertise few appealing > morsels of information about yourself, usually physical attributes. > Thus the loitering in shadowy lanes or public toilets, and the crotch-contact > -- always deniable, if need be -- on crowded trains. > In the internet age, we have the staccato of stats. Well, maybe a pic, but > who knows if one looks anything like that gorgeous hunk in the personal ad? > It's a world of illicit one-night-stands, rentboys and unreciprocated (thus, > better if suppressed) affection. In a way, it's a logical response to a > deeply homophobic social climate. Risk is minimised when contact is minimised. > It's not that gay men aren't capable of love and life-long relationships, but > the writer from India didn't have the opportunity to come into contact with > this very different world. > Naturally, this is an emotionally healthier world in which gay men's lives > and relationships are more consonant with their sexual orientation. But how > does one get from here to there? > Through socialisation and coming out. The two go hand in hand. Homosexually > oriented persons need to meet other like persons in the full range of ways in > which heterosexual persons meet other heterosexual persons -- as friends, > buddies, school and work colleagues. They need to be able to develop social > trust that enables both honesty and personal chemistry to develop. > Inevitably, this means a degree of coming out. It means acknowledging each > other as friends even in public settings rather than pretending you don't > know each other barely a week after you've mutually sucked cock. It means not > getting nervous if your gay friend tells his friends that you're gay too. And > at some point, it means not getting paranoid if straight people find out > you're gay. > Most closetted homosexual persons dwell a lot on the rupture that coming out > to one's family is imagined to be. It's so scary a prospect that they can't > conceive of ever taking that step. But if you listen to well-adjusted out gay > persons talk about what really happened to them, most will tell you that in > the end, they just crossed the bridge when they came to it. It isn't that > hard when you yourself are not afraid of being gay. > When enough members of the gay minority in any society have conquered that > fear, and the pool of gay persons, secure in themselves, has grown, among > each other they will find the loves of their lives. They will pair off and > build lasting relationships. Or at least, they will find stable circles of > friends that last a lifetime. > Quite often, the two worlds, self-accepting and self-denying, can co-exist, > without one knowing about the existence of the other. Even in the same city, > there may be a vibrant out gay community, complete with long-term gay and > lesbian couples (some with children even), and all kinds of social events, > yet at the same time, there can exist tens of thousands more who still > believe that being out is impossible and gay life is little more than the > furtive shag. > That's where public communication has to play a part. No matter how vibrant > the gay community, no matter how many have settled down with same-sex lovers > or are raising children, if the mainstream media in that society will mot > mention it, then there will be those who won't know much of it. Even if the > press occasionally carries a bit of gay news from a foreign country, it will > seem so remote, it can't be real or relevant to the closetted domestic > audience. > If we care at all about the countless homosexually-oriented persons living > half-lives in our own country, we cannot avoid the politics. We have to do > our part to open up the public space, including the media, so that people > don't feel that homophobic disapproval and uni-dimensional homosexual lives > are all there is. > As a specific example, consider the fight for gay marriage. Instead of > pairing up quietly with few other than close friends knowing about it, a > legal public wedding communicates in an unparalleled way to deeply closetted > homosexuals and their families that the alternative is possible. Beautifully, > gushingly possible. > The demimonde and the feeling of futility that this writer from India > describes are artifacts of a social, political and personal situation. And a > geographic one. This discouraging scene is not the essence of being gay. With > a little luck and a bit of courage in many hearts, things will pass. >
