Rahul, What us not clear from your mail is which part of India you are based in. This is important as in most metro cities there are ample gay support networks and structures now that you can plug into.
It's clear that you are conflicted and still seeking finality about the question if your sexual orientation. However if for five years you have avoided guys and still feel attracted toward them, then it's likely that you are in fact gay (or bi). Your comfort and personal closure will begin the day you acknowledge this as a fact and stop fighting it! This is simply because it cannot be fought! It has to be accepted and you must learn to become comfortable with it. You can begin to rebuild your stressed and conflicted mind only after you get to this acceptance if who you are! For afterwards, it will not be about how to change something that you cannot change anyway, but more about what best to make if it! If you can come to this acceptance, I'd ask you to get connected. You do not have to have only straight friends, if their lifestyles 'other' you amongst them. It does not mean that you stop being friends with them, it only means that you remain their friends on your terms and if those terms are not acceptable to them, them may be those specific friends are worth dropping from your friends list. It also means that you stop judging your life constantly by their standards, a set if standards that cannot be applied to you in any case. Once you connect with gay support networks, you'd get into a support structure where you can observe alternate possibilities in those you come into contact with. It's not an overnight process, and you must give adequate time. But it would certainly give you the option of not having tongued or defend yourself all the time, both very stressful. You do not have to come out to your patents, at least not right now. Most Indian parents are not hot wired to treat their children as sexual beings, therefore if you Di not discuss it with them, it's ok! In any event you should not broach this until such time you are sure yourself and you also have the economic and support to stand up on your own irrespective of their reaction to your disclosure! Broaching this subject now may lead them to try to 'change' you, which believe me, will completely fuck up your life and happiness for good! You being a student, I'd suggest you get on to the queer campus group(s) on Facebook, especially the one for your city, if it exists. There you'll find more people with your age group who are comfortable with themselves! Participate in these forums, don't be a silent observer! Participation will open you to newer options and possibilities and will certainly clear things in your mind! Finally, it's not easy, but if you accept your reality, you will live a more honest, stress free, and happy life. Ultimately, that is YOUR LIFE, that you life that you live by your choices, and not live it by other' expectations, others' values, or others' dictates! That is a life of freedom, that is true liberty! Otherwise you will live what is essentially a life of mental and emotional slavery, which can be very destructive of the self! I wish you well! Regards and best, Aditya Bondyopadhyay (Sent from my iPhone) On 26-Aug-2013, at 12:34 AM, "rahulboob" <rahulb...@yahoo.in> wrote: > Hi all, > Right now I'm 21 years old, and all this confusion started happening when I > was 16, when I felt I was getting attracted to a guy. I don't know if it was > real attraction or want of a friend. < I had always been an introvert till > now, focusing on acads mainly and staying away from guys > Time passed, but > the feeling that I was gay started increasing with time. I started feeling > more and more unhappy. > > And Right now, it has reached that limit, where I can't tolerate it anymore. > I don't know how to figure out. There are days I feel I'm okay. But then > again, I feel sometimes that I am bi and sometimes, that I am gay. Also, I am > really apprehensive of going out now. I can't attend classes, go to parties > and enjoy my life as I really should be. I feel really bad about myself. I > feel that all my friends are enjoying their life totally, dating girls, > studying, working for their future, while I am here stuck with this fact. > > I really need to know what to do. I am also quite worried about the fact that > a few of my friends know about this thing and what if they tell everyone > else. What about my future? Will I have keep lying always if I am gay? I have > given a hint to my parents, but how will I actually tell what being "gay" is? > How will they react ? how will everyone react? > > I am only 21. Wondering how will I spend rest of the years of my life. I > don't want to be like this always. > > I really need some good advice on all of this. I'll be really thankful to > you. And Most importantly, How do I find out if I am really gay ? > > Thanks a lot ! > Rahul. > >
