Thanks for your review, Ben! Jari
On 02 Dec 2014, at 23:46, Ben Campbell <b...@nostrum.com> wrote: > I am the assigned Gen-ART reviewer for this draft. For background on > Gen-ART, please see the FAQ at > < http://wiki.tools.ietf.org/area/gen/trac/wiki/GenArtfaq>. > > Please wait for direction from your document shepherd > or AD before posting a new version of the draft. > > Document: draft-ietf-lmap-use-cases-05 > Reviewer: Ben Campbell > Review Date: 2014-12-02 > IETF LC End Date: 2014-10-07 > ESG Telechat date: 2014-12-04 > > Summary: The draft is basically ready for publication as an informational > RFC. All of the actionable issues from my last call review of version 04 have > been addressed. There are a few remaining editorial issues, below: > > Nits/editorial comments: > > -- General: This version is much improved from 04. However it still tends to > overuse parentheses in ways that are unnecessary and tend to break the flow > of reading. These can probably be handled by the RFC editor. > > The following are editorial comments from my original review that I think > need further work: > > [...] > >> >> -- 2.1, third bullet, last sentence: >> >> The sentence hard to parse. Is the first comma intended? > > The sentence needs work. Suggestion: > > "The ISP requires visibility into the end-to-end performance of home and > enterprise networks,..." > > [...] > >> >> -- 3.1, 1st para, sentence starting with "The panel..." >> >> I'm confused by the nested lists, nested parentheses, and unexplained >> ellipses. Also, it seems to contain a comma splice. Are there missing words? > > The comma splice is fixed. The nested lists and ellipses are still confusing. > You might consider splitting lists out into separate "For example" sentences. > > For example: > "For example, the operator's access technology might include fiber, HFC, or > DSL. It might offer broadband speeds of ...." > > I also suggest dropping "(say)" and and the sentence-starting "So..." from > later in the paragraph. > >> >> >> - 3.1, 1st para: >> >> Can you provide a definition or reference for "mean opinion score"? > > Not addressed. > >> >> >> -- 3.2: >> >> Overly complex sentence structure. Consider breaking into bullet lists. >> Something seems messed up near " along the lines..." . Maybe a cut and paste >> error? > > The bullet list improves things. Bullet 2 still contains a list of examples > in the form of comma-spliced sentences. > > [...] > >> >> >> -- 4.1, 1st para, last sentence: "... mandate transparent information made >> available..." >> >> Should that be "... be made available..."? > > Fix attempted, but new typo "imade" introduced". > >> >> -- 4.2, 3rd paragraph: >> >> Can you offer a definition for "probes"? > > Not addressed. > > _______________________________________________ > Gen-art mailing list > Gen-art@ietf.org > https://www.ietf.org/mailman/listinfo/gen-art
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