On 20/12/2018 15:37, Christer Holmberg wrote:
Hi Stewart,
Thank You for the review! Please see inline.
>Summary: A well written document with some minor points that could use a little
>attention.
>
>Major issues: None
>
>Minor issues:
>
>In Figure 1 the following is included:
>
> REGISTER sip:[email protected] SIP/2.0
> Via: SIP/2.0/TCP alicemobile.example.com:5060;branch=z9hG4bKnashds7
> Max-Forwards: 70
> To: Alice <sip:[email protected]>
> From: Alice <sip:[email protected]>;tag=456248
> Call-ID: 843817637684230@998sdasdh09
> CSeq: 1826 REGISTER
> Contact: <sip:[email protected];
> pn-provider=acme;
> pn-param=acme-param;
> pn-prid=ZTY4ZDJlMzODE1NmUgKi0K>
> Expires: 7200
> Content-Length: 0
>
> SB> However I don't at this stage of the text see the relationship
between the
> SB> packet flow digram and the text that follows.
I could add the following:
“Below is an example of a SIP REGISTER request in Figure 1.”
SB> Thank you, that would clarify what was happening.
=========
> Contact: IESG ([email protected] <mailto:[email protected]>)
>
> SB> Is the whole IESG the most appropriate first point of contact?
That is what I was told :)
Note that I have used it also for other documents.
SB> Whatever the IESG want... :)
=========
>Nits/editorial comments:
>Presumably the references to RFC XXXX will be replaced by RFC <this RFC> but
>that does not seem to be noted in the text
I will add a note to the RFC editor about that.
“[RFC EDITOR NOTE: Please replace RFCXXXX with the RFC number of this
document.]”
SB> That would be a fine way of clarifying it to the editors and those
that read the pre-edited final text.
> Example: pn-prid = 00fc13adff78512
>
> For more information about the APNs Topic and device token:
>
> SB> Is the following part of the example? If so it could usefully be
delimited
> SB> as such, otherwise, I don't understand why it is not a normal
document
> SB> reference.
>
> https://developer.apple.com/library/archive/documentation/NetworkingI
> nternet/Conceptual/RemoteNotificationsPG/CommunicatingwithAPNs.html
>
> SB> Similarly in the following section
The link reference is not part of the example. Perhaps I could place
to reference before the examples, to make that more clear?
Are you suggesting that I add the link to the reference section,
similar to document references?
SB> Yes, if it is just a reference, I would have expected it to be
treated just like any other reference, i.e. a pointer to a reference at
the end of the document. That method also clarifies the matter of
whether the reference is normative or informational which does not
happen with embedded references.
Best regards
Stewart
=========
Regards,
Christer
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