Spare the rod... and ground the child By Savio Figueiredo [EMAIL PROTECTED]
The interesting part of parenting is that most parents are not trained for the job. There is no course such as "Parent Formation/Training Course" like we in Goa have Marriage Formation Courses giving would-be parents some sort of training about marriage. Parents learn 'on the job'. I for one feel this learning on the job is a better idea rather than applying common techniques to all children. Each child is unique and should be treated as such. One of the important aspects of parenting is disciplining your child for her or his acts of commission and omission. Different parents have separate methods -- including glaring at their kids (aka "making big eyes"), shouting, spanking, deprivation (no ice cream or cable TV for a period of a day or a week or whatever). Having been a parent for 12 years, I would like to share my experiences, in a lighter vein, with you with special reference to disciplining. It is the irony of life that your kids tend to play the same tricks on you that you played on your parents. Only thing is that the tricks are more advanced, according to the times. How they manage it is beyond me, as my elder daughter Renuka was born after my dad's death and was just three years when my mother passed away. Deepika, my other daughter, met neither. Sometimes I have the sneaky feeling their uncles or aunt apprise them of my past misdeeds. I will try to chronologise the different disciplining methods Janice and I have tried since we became parents. First it was the "Big Angry Eyes" treatment. It worked for some time. One look from me made Deepika open her mouth when she fussed with her food. Later, the kids started making big eyes at us. So this was followed by the shouting treatment, often at the top of our voices despite practicing the low, level, firm voice treatment with that focused look in front of the mirror. Result: shouting matches. This method is now used only by Janice, and sparingly Then came the spanking. Janice and I set out some rules for ourselves. No using anything other than our hand. (I do threaten with a belt or stick but it is NEVER used.) The next rule was that spanking areas were only hands and arms, butt and legs. Never the head or face and front part of the body. However spanking girls is a different ball game. Their tear-filled eyes and the "How could you do this to me look?" is enough to melt the stoniest heart and I always end up saying sorry. Also, Janice seldom uses this method. This was followed by "deprivation". It is important to emphasise that deprivation of food is never be used as a punishment. Sometimes making them eat is sufficient punishment itself, as in Renuka's case. So it was no cable TV till we became a cable-free family three years back. Later, it was no movies on the CD player, no ice cream, no using the computer, and so on. These were tried without much success. Doing work at home is never used as a punishment by us. It is a duty and not a penalty. So picking up leaves from the lawn, cleaning the house and room, doing small shopping is considered as our children's duty. We were racking our brains for an effective means of disciplining. Till one day, I came across the term "grounding". Grounding means staying at home for a specified period of time. This restriction of a child's freedom to go out of the home and meet their friends seems to me an effective punishment. It is not involve physical pain, nor does it humiliate the child. The grounding period can be put to constructive use like reading, artwork etc. A long planned outing with friends may fail to take off and hence ensures compliance for long periods of time. One hopes that such compliances lead to good habit formation. As far as we are concerned it works well . So Renuka now pleads, "Punish me any other way but please do not ground me." Finally believe me when I say Janice and I enjoy being parents to our two girls. We have never tried to be super parents or pretended to be exemplary parents and our girls know us -- clay feet, warts and all. No pretenses, just ourselves. We think we know what we are doing and proceed with what we think is in the best interests of our kids. Savio Figueiredo is a pharmacist by training, and is venturing into the world of writing. This article was earlier posted on Aldona-Net http://groups.yahoo.com/group/aldona-net ----------------------------------------------------------------- GOANET-READER WELCOMES contributions from its readers, by way of essays, reviews, features and think-pieces. We share quality Goa-related writing among the 8000-strong readership of the Goanet/Goanet-news network of mailing lists. If you appreciated the thoughts expressed above, please send in your feedback to the writer. 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