In Search of IdentityBy Julio Dourdil-Diniz, Luxembourg(Note: The writer works at the European Parliament in Luxembourg. Born in Mozambique, he is Goan on his grandmother’s side. He has been a teacher, army interpreter and translator with the BBC Monitoring Service in Reading. )
When I declare how I feel about Goa or mention my Goan ancestors, there is usually a snigger of disbelief or even sarcasm. You know how it usually goes (at least here in Western Europe): "Hello", "How do you do", "Do you live here", and then THE question that always prompts an awkward answer from me, namely "Where do you come from? Are you French, Dutch, English? No?? Well...!!! What ARE you then?", as if ethnic Europeans were the only "real people" around the Continent. I refuse to say I'm Portuguese just because my father was born in Portugal. After all, his own father came from Spain and his grandmother from France. I can't say I'm a true Goenkar either (alas...!) just because my mother was Eurasian and my grandmother a real Goan, born in Panaji and raised in Salcete. And when I say that I'm Mozambican (where I was born and spent my childhood and adolescence, plus the first years of my married life), people just laugh and say:" Oh, funny Mozambican you are, with such a white skin!". To this I usually say that the Yanks are not particularly 'red-skinned', unlike the true natives of North America, neither are the Australian emigrants particularly 'brown' either and yet they are naturally accepted as "Americans" and "Australians" just the same. It is true that as the years go by, Goans outside Goa will probably get increasingly mixed (racially and probably culturally as well). I myself am a good example of that, aren't I? Most people think I'm Belgian, French, sometimes even Swiss, God knows why, and that's why they express surprise and disbelief when I tell them that I'm partly Goan and partly Portuguese, with some French blood thrown in as well ("Dourdil" is a French surname from the Languedoc-Roussillon, in the South-West of France). They dismiss it instantly and refuse to believe me, and the subject is immediately dropped because they tend to feel uncomfortable about it. Now, when I was in Goa last February I suddenly realized that for the very first time in my life I was surrounded by people whose identity (just like mine) is MIXED - Roman Catholic (or ex-R.C.) Eurasians, basically. Not all, of course, but many, surely. I know that not all Goans are Catholic - I was one, for a few years, but not anymore. I now feel closer to the Buddhists than to the Christians, even though I don't belong to any Church. But Goan attitudes are the same as the one I found at my grandmother's home, and to me she was the kindest person in the family. I can't explain my feelings very objectively. It is certainly not only a question of ethnic or cultural affinity - even though I'm beginning to find that more important now than I did in the past because it makes communication and contact easier. It is a special attitude towards Life as a whole. I found in Goa, not only among the Catholics but also among the Hindus, a "dimension" that I feel is sadly lacking in Western Europe - I don't know how to describe it: maybe a certain "respect" for some kind of "Force" that surpasses us, for something more powerful than us, something that we cannot grasp but nevertheless exists, some kind of living "link" with "Something" above and beyond us - and their belief that "we are not alone", if you see what I mean. I could use the word "God" or "religious feeling", but I'd rather not, because these words have been corrupted and often lead to misunderstandings. You can read more in www.goacom.com/overseas-digest/archives/julio.html
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I’m a
regular ‘visitor’ to most Goan websites on the Internet and am very interested
in everything connected with Goa and the Goan people. This is basically (but not
only) because I am part Goan myself. My grandmother was born and raised in
Panaji and emigrated to Mozambique around 1890. She died and is buried there. I
went to Goa for the first time in February 1999 and spent two weeks in Salcete
(Varca). For the first time in my life, I felt ‘at home’ and among whom I
proudly call ‘my people’. It was very important for me to feel that way because
I have never had any real ‘roots’. My mother (half-Goan) was born in East Africa
and my father is Portuguese. His own father came form Spain and mother from
France. My mother tongue is Portuguese, although I speak English at home with my
wife and children (my wife is Scottish by birth). I have been been round the
world but it was ONLY in Goa that I felt at home.