----------------------------------------------------------
Archives:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/goa-net/
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Goanet2003/
----------------------------------------------------------
THE 2003 CHOLLAM KOXEM ADDRESS OF THE PRESIDENT OF CHIMBEL
By
President Pandurang Fernandes
Independent Republic of Chimbel
Respected Chimolcho Vodlo Padri, Chimolcho Vodlo Bhot, Indira Nagar
Bada Mullah, Vice President Kenny, all the dhakle padris, dhakle
bhots, one dhaklo mulla, Chief Ghaddi Loximon, other ghaddis, Chiefs
of our armed gangs, members of my gaddo, members of our upper and
lower tavernas, our mastors, our baiees, and fellow Chimolcars,
To all Chimolcars who ask me today "Amchem chollam koxem?" I will say
once again "Amchem torim chollam borem".
This year Vice President Kenny does not have to hide in the gottho
behind my house. He is sitting right behind me on the sopo, and this
year my gottho is full of terrororists who have been tied there with
the cows. With the tourorists there are also many tourists rounded up
by our Faattorney General Ashraf. He and I always find it difficult
to tell who is a terrororist and who is a tourorist. So I told the
Faattorney General to throw them both in the gottho. Some of these
evildoers are on the temporvary island in the Mandovi river. Many are
not there. I want to assure you that those who are not there are not
a threat to us because they are simply not there.
I have many things to tell you. First, our copitalist economy is
recovering from the recession that the previous president left me.
Today I am promising you that I will not leave that kind of a problem
for the next president. My solution is to give back all the money
that the government took from our rich bar owners, not including the
money that we have already eaten. My new mhaalo who is the minister
for haircut, tax cut and personal shavings will give them a permanent
tax cut to stimulate the economy and increase the deficit. So the
next president will not be in a procession. The bar owners will make
sure that there is enough copachem to stimulate everybody. That is
how those who have lost their job in the precession will think that
they have a job.
Second, we have to provide health care for everybody, especially for
our older bebdes. To do this I am taking a faith-based initiative. I
am giving money to our churches and our temples, so that all the
padris and bhots there can provide prescription drugs, prayers and
prasad to these people in need. As one dhaklo padri from xerracoden
told me, miracles do happen.
We have a serious drug problem because of the tourists and trial
lawyers. To get rid of this problem I am extending the faith-based
initiative to a fate-based initiative. I am proposing to build more
gotthes to put all the people who take drugs and file lawsuits in
them. These people will be given the option of being either with the
tourists or with the terrorists. To everybody else I say you are
either with us or with the tourrorists.
Third, a lot of people are dying of AIDS in the continent of Baina.
Baina is like the country of Africa. I feel sorry for them. This is a
nice opportunity for me to show what I call compassions. Everybody
knows I have a moral compass. I want to make use of it. I want to
show these unfortunate people many compassions by giving them money
to buy our treatments. Our newly patented cow urine treatment is very
effective in prolonging the lives of people with AIDS. I will also
use my moral compass to ban human colonies and partial berth
apartments.
Now I have to tell you about my commitment to protect our country.
Today's world is full of terrororists, tourists and trial lawyers.
They are all evildoers. They are not with us. Those who are not with
us are against us. To deal with this problem I have established a new
government department called the Department of Backyard Security with
the Vhodlo Bhot Damoo Ragde as its head. Damoo is coordinating with
the heads of all the intelligent and unintelligent agencies to make
our backyards safe and secure. We do not want weapons of mass
destruction used against us in our backyard. We have caught most of
the terrororists of Agacaim. All the remaining tourrorists I assure
you are not there. You don't have to worry about somebody who is
simply not there. Because of us Agacaim is a free and safe country
now. One of our big bar owners has signed a contract with the new
President of Agacaim, Amig Cardoz to build a new pipeline to supply
us high quality feni from Cortalim.
However, our fight against terrororism has only begun. There are many
evil dictators in this world. They are not cooperating with the rest
of the world. They have weapons of mass destruction that they want to
use against others. They want to unilaterally invade other countries.
They have broken international treaties. I want to say to one of them
in particular, Sada Boshen, the President of Siridona that if he does
not get rid of his chemical and biological weapons then we will lead
a correlation to disarm him. We have proof that he is hiding his
weapons. He does not want to show them to our inspectors. I have a
list of weapons that everybody knows he possesses. He has to prove
that they are not there. But even if they are not there they still
pose a threat to our country and the world. What is not there can
still be there. So even though I don't want to fight a war, I will
lead a collision to dismember this evildoer. I know he does not live
in cave. So I cannot smoke him out of there and get him running and
then get him. But I can make sure he is not there. If he is not there
then he cannot be a threat to us because he is simply not there.
Finally, I want to tell you about how good we are as a country, and
how good Lord has given me a mission to bring about freedom and
democracy to the rest of the world. Vhodlo Ghaadi Loximon tells me
that we have the right values and ideas, and that I am always right.
We have to liberate the people of all countries from their evil
regimes, and share with them our Chimolche values, handed down to us
by God Himself. We have to teach them to cooperate with the rest of
the world. We have to teach them how to be a part of a multilateral
coalition. To achieve this collusion we have to act unilaterally,
because I know that nobody is as right as we are - as I am. These
people will realize that we have liberated them from their enemy.
They have to know that we are not their enemy. Their enemy is within
them. They will be eternally grateful to us. We can even help them
build their country after the war if they give our bar owners control
of their feni and our goundes their building contracts, for which we
will make sure they get money from other countries. In this way we
will bring peace in this world, and God will bless this great nation.
And with that I say "Dev borem korum".
