Goan for the Jocular by Cecil Pinto --------------------
Olga Aunty dropped in today with her daughter. Again. For the past two years Olga has been searching for a suitable boy for Succorine. Every few months Olga Aunty will meet me and tell me her woes. Invariably the same. The right match was found but then, at the last minute, they find some seemingly unsurmountable flaw in the boy. "But he wears earrings", "But he can't take his wife abroad", "I heard he took drugs before", "He was friendly with a married woman when he was in college"... Wonder what it is this time?
"But he drinks!"
"What?"
"Perpet Mana told me that every weekend he goes to the club and has a few drinks"
"So what of it, Aunty. Its not like he's a raving alcoholic?"
"But..."
"Ok! What does he drink?"
"How should I know?"
"Tell Perpet Mana to find out"
"Arre! What does it matter? Drinking is drinking!"
"Very, very important to know what he drinks"
"Maybe he drinks Rum"
"White or dark? If he drinks white rum of any sort then he is ignorant. But if he can differentiate between Old Monk from Tilamol and Lucknow Distilleries than he has a fine tongue"
"What about beer"
"Cool. But only Kingfisher, Fosters or Haywards. If he drinks Belo beer then he's probably a poor gambler trying to win the Rs. 50,000/- prize under the cork"
"And whisky?"
"Naaah! Of course it depends on what whisky. If he drinks anything known by its initials like AC, OC, DSP, DySP... then he's a loser who just likes the golden colour. But if he drinks a single malt or a premium whisky like Signature or even better, Black & White, then he has refined sensibilities"
"I think Perpet Mana mentioned Solan something"
"Solan No. 1, Bagpiper, Arlem beer... these are genuine signs that this guy is in his mid forties and is too old for your Succorine. He probably also rides a Yezdi motorcyle and smokes Four Square cigarettes. Stuck in the early nineteen eighties that's what these guys are"
"Brandy?"
"Mansion House, Honeybee ok. But if he's drinking any variety of Doctor's brandy then his stomach is probably corroded already and he won't last long"
"And Vodka & Gin?"
"Avoid him like the plague. Specially if he has those sweet pre-mixed drinks like Shotz and Bacdardi Breezer. He's gay. Definitely gay"
"And what if he drinks the local stuff"
"What you mean local stuff"
"You know Caju, Maad, Urrack..."
"Good question. You see Aunty here in North Goa anyone who drinks Maad or Urrack has to be a broke guy. Urrack is only drunk during Urrack season and Maad should only be consumed in South Goa. Caju Feni on the other hand is an excellent pointer to a person's good character. But does he drink just any Caju? Does he sniff the bottle before pouring a drink? Does he enquire about the vintage and the still it came from? You see this year's stuff from Anton in Siolim is not the same as last year's from Digamber in Sanvordem? Does he have it with soda or with Limca or with water. Cold water or normal water? Does he insist on mineral water? Which brand? There are so many factors to be considered when choosing a son-in-law. You have to very careful"
"I will ask Perpet Mana to find out more and get back to you"
"Cheers!"
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The humour column above appeared in Goa Plus the Friday Magazine section of The Times of India on 6th December 2002.
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