Goanet next meets in Goa: January 7, 4 pm (meeting point: Kala Academy canteen). Goanet founder Herman Carneiro will be there. See you there! ------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------- Interview with the Umpire: The Minister's Birthday Bash The PM and I by Melissa M. The Minister was resplendent. He positively dazzled. Open-necked gold sequined outfit, chunky chain and rings to go. Five bands and six DJs produced enough cacophony to numb the 15,000 guests at this Banana-ulim Sports Club's brazen to-do. Searing strobe-lights illuminated half of South-Goa and the hot-mixed roads, transformers, pot-holes and what-not the newspapers trumpeted our Minister would be inaugurating, to celebrate his 21st birthday. The Hon. Picky Macheco M.A.B.F., Minister for International Travel & Tourism (ITT) took a brief moment off to speak to our intrepid reporter (MM) about his great day and his forthcoming name-change. MM: Congratulations sir, on your much publicised 21st birthday ! You are too young.. PM: As always you stupid journalists get it wrong ! My PR people took great pains to publicise this celebration as my birthday of the 21st millennium, not 21st b'day ! MM: Whatever..! I'm sure you are younger than you look - it is understood even college girls queue up to be lined and wined and dined ! What's your afters ? PM: Ah, college girls are the best dessert, and you know I just love fresh Caramel custard ! MM: Whatever..! To come back to your celebrations - the tabloids are lauding you a "man of the masses"..tell us more. PM: No doubtedly ! I have done so much, so much..in so little time..despite this all, I still find time on the road to exercise my muscle masses, attend daily church, eat lots of fresh meat - see ? Three types of masses already !!! MM: Whatever..! I'm sure your constituents love you despite your dazzling 'zogzogit' attire, not to mention 'sogsogit' pronouncements ! PM: No doubtedly ! Cannot you hear my supporters' deafening crackers ? Their great love 'mogmogit' for my 'zogzogit', you can hear 'fogfogit' ! MM: You certainly have a gift for repartee sir ! PM: No doubtedly ! Mine is the greatest party, re-party and Tripathi of the millennium ! MM: Whatever..! I trust, you, our ITT minister, are not being overshadowed today by your Cabinet colleague guests and the guest-of-honour, our great CM himself ? PM: What is so great about being CM ? He's an IIT, I am ITT !! And you know my initials, I am PM..and the PM rules over the whole India, not like a nut-case CM of some tiny cashew-nut state like ours ! MM: Sir, you surpass yourself. Who can overtake you now ? PM: Of course - NOBODY !! 2 wheelers, 4 wheelers, tricycles, prams, when the PM passes they must all give way ! In fact, we are passing a Bill to this effect ! MM: Seriously ?! PM: No doubtedly ! See Goa is so backward ! Look at Karnataka - nobody can overtake Amma..Jayalata ! MM: I thought it was Jayalalitha and that too - TN ! PM: You journalists are always confused ! Anyway for backward Goa, we are introducing the same Karnataka No-Overtaking Bill (K.N.O.B.). MM: Whatever..! As we're so backward, I'm sure we'll spell it backward too ! PM: No doubtedly ! That would describe me and my people in a nutshell ! MM: To come back to "your people"..how are your constituents of Banana-ulim taking to your public name-change on this auspicious day ? PM: Oh greatly, greatly !......My actual name you know..is Pantseleao ! MM: Was this from when you stitched Pants en route to Miami ?! PM: Aaarrgh ! You journalists are too nosey ! MM: Isn't that how you got your Picky nick-name, from being too kinda 'nosey ' yourself ?! Perhaps you should have tried Dig-noseo Plus ?! PM: Sorry ?! You missed me completely ! MM: Whatever..! PM: Anyway..about my great name-change today. On the advice of my spin-doctors and all my constituents, today I'm honoured to take on the name of Goa's national animal ! MM: N-o-o-o !!......You don't mean ?!...... PM: Yes, my dear..Porcus Goanus..the great and honourable Goan pig ! Today my name changes from Picky Macheco to the "Hon. Piggy Macheco, M.A.B.F., Minister for ITT !!" MM: Well, congratulations again, then !! But why this great change ?! PM: Great nothing ! It's been on the cards ever since I was elected and everybody started called me SDB !! MM: W-h-a-a-t ?! You're a Salesian ?? N-o-o-o !! Society of Don Bosco ??? PM: No doubtedly ! People comment on my actions SDB - "Samko Dhukhra Bhashin !" so today I take on my honourable calling ! You see ?! MM: Whatever..! So that's why they call you Minister for Boor-ism ?! PM: Boors, boars, beers, whatever ! Drink up and be merry, for today the Pig is King ! Fill our beaches with shacks, fill our hospitals with quacks ! Even it rhymes ! MM: I'm dazzled by your poetic brilliance, sir. Again, you surpass yourself. But surely you cannot surpass your "strongman" predecessor at least in his capacity for original jokes ?! PM: No doubtedly, where you are wrong ?! What bogus jokes ! Verna bypass, Goan society, Fatorda grounds ! Ha ! These are just over-the-hill church jokes ! Now my piggy jokes will flatten his - who can compete ?! Pig toilets, chourisao, sorpotel, ham and bacon..right down to my beautiful pork-pie hat ! In Goa, the pig is king ! And, right up there in the centre..c'mon, c'mon spell 'pig' - what's there right in the middle ?! I, I, I !!! That's me, me, me ! How's that for a pig joke ?! MM: You are certainly unique, sir ! The Boar of Banana-ulim ! But what's that Fracas at the Club I hear outside ?! PM: Fransa Club ?! Ah, Pax must face Facts..naturally ! Huh ? MM: Whatever..! I must leave your dazzling presence sir. But what your plans for this year ? I understand you are eyeing the Finance docket.. PM: No doubtedly ! After all, I'm M.A.B.F. - a Masters in Bachelor of Finance ! MM: I thought the popular press and media more correctly interpreted M.A.B.F. as Matric Appeared But Failed ! PM: No doubtedly, that would be the gutter press. Even you see, so far only 100 people have been bashed up tonight but you yellow journos will amplify that into 1000 ! MM: Whatever..! I've really enjoyed myself ! Perhaps next year ?! PM: But most certainly - you will be an honoured guest at my next birthday bash - which by the way will be doubly successful than this year's. MM: How so ? 30,000 invitees next year ? PM: Nah, nah, nah ! Next year's bash will have..200 people bashed up !!! Outside, the totally sozzled Banana-ulim constituents drunkenly chorused bits of the Banana boat song..Sunrise was breaking as they reached "..Day-O ! Day-O !" and I gratefully melted into the dawn. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------- This article first appeared in the Goa-Minus supplement of the daily "Da B.O.M.B." (Benaulim Or Moira Bananas). 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