Tongue-in-Cheek by Cecil Pinto
The Goa Local Bus Owners Association held a Press Conference last week to announce their startling new decision - to move into the Air Flight business.
General Secretary of GLBOA, Savio Castelino, made the dramatic announcement and then fielded questions for reporters. Savio is an MBA from Harvard University and his father Joaquim Castelino 'Joklo' is famous for having coined the word 'clinder' to describe a bus cleaner. The Castelinos own four buses and operate another three in South Goa.
"What exactly are your plans?"
"We intend providing the public with a very economical alternative to the present highly priced airlines services. Deccan Air has started the price war with its no-frills flights. They now offer flight tickets at prices lower than even First Class Train fares. We intend going a step further and offering air tickets at prices even lower than bus fares - for the same routes."
"And how do you plan to manage this?"
'To begin with we plan to experiment only on the Goa-Mumbai and Goa-Bangalore routes. If the experiment works we will expand to an all-India operation. Our expertise comes from operating local intra-Goa buses. This know-how we will be transferring to Airline Management"
"Could you amplify on that?"
"To begin with let's talk about vehicles, I mean aircraft. Our experience with buses shows that even a third-hand, fifteen years old bus can be used for another ten years with no major problems. So we intend buying really old airplanes, that are falling apart, and using these to service our routes. Here itself we will be saving a lot."
"But surely there must be some rules and guidelines regarding the worthiness of the airplane to fly? There are Inspecting and Regulating Authorities?
"We know how to approach the Authorities. We have the know-how and the know-who."
"What about employees? Airline employees are among the highest paid."
"Not a major problem area. The pilots we will choose among the rejects from other airlines. Those who have a bad safety record or are alcoholics are perfectly ok for us. And we intend offering them an incentive system to boost the low salaries we will be paying. Rs. 100/- extra for every passenger they can accommodate in their cockpit."
'You intend having passengers in the plane cockpit?!"
"Sure. We have them in them in our bus cabins all the while and there has never been a problem. As long as they don't obstruct the pilot's vision and don't crowd him too much I don't see any problem here. In fact we will be charging Cabin Passengers Rs. 100/- more because of the better view!"
"Next you will tell us there will be standing passengers in your planes"
"Yes. But only in the passage. We cannot have them on the steps and hanging out the door as we do in buses. We are trying to work out an Open Door System with the Airport Authorities but they are quite adamant."
"What about marketing your airline services?"
"That too we have figured out. See we will automatically draw in clients because of our much cheaper pricing. So we don't intend having any booking offices or even allow any advance booking. We just rev up the engines and start filling up the plane. Every time a prospective passenger approaches we make as though we are moving to the runway and only once we are absolutely full will we take off. Our conductors and cleaners will be at the side of the plane shouting out the destination and the normal stuff like "Bombay Express!", "Bangalore Direct!" and "Leaving right now!". We are trying to work out if we can stop en-route to pick up stray passengers but the logistics are a bit difficult."
"You are going to have conductors and cleaners on your plane too? No stewardesses or stewards?"
"Definitely. Only an experienced conductor can pack in as many passengers as we need to make our flights economically feasible for us. Children will be made to sit on adult laps. Three people will be forced to sit on seats designed for two. Every possible inch of foot space will be totally utilised, and still our conductor will have to maneuver through and collect the fares. You think any stewardess can manage that? And the cleaners don't just clean. They will have to signal obstructions on the runway to the pilot by coded whistle blasts. We also need them to push start the planes. I did mention they were very old planes didn't I?"
"'What about in-flight food and entertainment"
"These are short duration flights of less than an hour each. We don't see why any food is required. We are allowing our conductors to sell dry eatables though, but that is their business. We will not meddle with their prices or choice of food items. Of course most conductors are members of our association as they are bus owners themselves, or some relatives, and so we don't foresee any conflict of interest. As far as entertainment goes we will have loud Konkani or Hindi Pop music playing throughout all flights anywhere in India."
"But surely you are breaking a lot of rules with this concept?'
"Not really. On paper we will agree to whatever the Government says every time we want a hike in fares or whatever. And then we will continue to do exactly what we want. We've been doing it for decades with our buses. This is the obvious next step."
"Anything else you would like to mention."
"Yes. My younger brother Francis is in the Life Insurance business. And now plans to also open professional Undertaker services. We hope to be a one-stop shop eventually."
---------- The column above appeared in the December 2004 issue of Goa Today magazine. ====
