Goan for the Jocular by Cecil Pinto
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The new post 9/11 aviation security rules have a long list of items banned inside the airline cabin; powders, pickles, knitting needles, toys resembling weapons, ministers... (just kidding about that last one. The local airlines would all go broke without our frequent flying ministers). Overseas Goans are an apprehensive lot about the consequences of these restrictions. To allay their fears I spoke to Captain Avinash Redkar, Security-In-Charge at Dabolim airport. He's the one who decides who frisks who!
Cecil: Captain Redkar, What are the common items that overseas Goans take abroad that are on the banned list?
Redkar: Actually sir, each Airport has been given it's own authority to decide. We have discretionary powers and use pre-set guidelines to decide on every item.
Cecil: Could you give us some examples?
Redkar: Well take the multi-layered Bebinca. This is definitely on our banned list.
Cecil: Bebinca ? How could that possibly be dangerous?
Redkar: With modern technology one could have different explosive materials on different layers. One jab through the middle and the various chemicals on the layers combine and explode. Imagine the scenario: A passenger standing in the aisle with a Parker pen raised high in one hand, all set to poke a round bebinca in his other hand. Everyone crouching in fear, under their seats.
Cecil: What about tamarind 'amtam' that is also often carried back?
Redkar: Definitely out. Have you ever seen RDX? It looks exactly like a ball of tamarind 'amtam'.
Cecil: I suppose liquids like vinegar can safely be carried?
Redkar: It is almost impossible to distinguish between acetic acid and vinegar. One drop of acetic acid on a harmless substance like Goan dodol or doce and we have a potentially explosive situation.
Cecil: Folks please do not try this at home. Captian Redkar I suppose cashewnuts are a safe bet?
Redkar: Permitted, but only in very small quantities. Maybe a maximum of 200 grammes per passenger. You see large quantities of cashewnuts, if consumed in a hurry, cause flatulence. Imagine this scenario: A passenger standing next to the AC air vent with an open packet of cashewnuts. "Tell the pilot to take this plane to New York immediately. Or else I will eat some more cashewnuts!". All the passengers are disgusted by now and have their noses covered. The barf bags supply has been exhausted. They beg the cabin staff " Please do whatever he says. We can't take this stink anymore!".
Cecil: What about sausages?
Redkar: Potential killers. Have you seen the fat content in those things? Specially the small tiny ones from Agacaim. Polysaturated fat. We could have harakiri suicide hijackers threatening to eat sausages and die slowly from excess cholesterol. Imagine the scenario.....
Cecil: Ok! Ok! I get the picture. So then Caju Feni is a definite no-no?
Redkar: On the contrary Caju Feni is being viewed favourably by the security authorities. It has many medical curative properties that could be useful in an emergency. Secondly nobody really gets violent with small quantities of Caju. And if the Cashewnut Flatulator Hijacker makes good his threat we could just open a bottle of Caju. His smell would be overwhelmed by the Caju Feni smell and ...
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The humour column above appeared in Goa Plus the Friday Magazine section of The Times of India on 8th November 2002.
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