HEART TO HEART (SEPT 11)
BY ETHEL DA COSTA
To my 'Single Again' girlfriends, live life full!
"The pain which you sometimes feel in your soul is the birth of a new
insight. When your subconscious has born the new insight to term, you will
be wiser than you were before."
- The Beholder by Ken Lavendell
"I am not concerned about your worldly success, only you are.
It is true that when you achieve certain states of being over a long period
of time, success in what you are doing in the world is very difficult to
avoid. Yet you are not to worry about 'making a living.' True Masters are
those who have chosen to make a life, rather than a living.
"From certain states of being will spring a life so rich, so full, so
magnificent, and so rewarding that worldly goods and worldly success will
be of no concern to you. Life's irony is that as soon as worldly goods and
worldly success are of no concern to you, the way is open for them to flow
to you. Remember, you cannot have what you want, but you may experience
whatever you have. "
Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch
Going through my old files, dusting the dirt off paperwork and statistics
researching a story, I chanced upon a press statement released by the
National Family Health Survey which stated that the quality of life of Goan
women was below average. There was more depressing news in fine print for
the survey concludes stating widespread acceptance among married women
justifying abuse and violence at the hands of their 'pati-parmeshwars' in
their marital homes, despite their educational backgrounds. In Goa,
everything seemed fair in love and beating!
I am numb. And I am filled with pity for these poor creatures. I would like
to think these women are sane, that they can think for themselves and work
towards their empowerment. But are they really free off the chains they
voluntarily shackle their thinking abilities?
I'm not about to sit in judgment and underline the rights and wrongs in
their respective marital situations. But giving abuse - in any form - the
license of approval with silence is propagating a crime further in the face
of the future generation of women. After all, we don't want our young women
growing in the house to think that it's ok to be beaten black and blue by a
man she professes to love through the sanction of an institution, just to
keep society and its wagging tongues happy. Indeed, in some twisted way, to
keep themselves happy and secure.
I disapprove violence vehemently. And I disapprove men who think it's their
birthright to put a woman in her place through the use of physical or
emotional violence. I disapprove affected women sitting quietly and taking
this bullshit. I disapprove women who don't let other women take their
destinies and their own self-respect into their own hands and make a
successful life for themselves away from abuse. I disapprove women cackling
together about the trials and tribulations of other women who choose to say
'No' to abuse and venture towards singlehood. I disapprove these narrow
mindsets because these people live their own empty lives without goals,
that they cannot envision a better future for themselves. They have no
control over what they want, or the drive to go and get it for themselves
or how to love their own spirits freely and full-heartedly.
I meet many women who really don't know what they want. They live their
dreams through their men (if it works for them, good for them) and then
take abuse as an extension of their love for the man they are knotted with
till death. They live by a code of acceptance, turn their faces the other
way, lest they fall flat on their noses with no economic support to help
pull through the rest of their days.
I often wonder what lessons in life the 'accepting' abused women teach
their own girl children. Do they teach them to be independent? Do they tell
them how to be happy individuals? Do they teach them how to discover their
minds and use it for the benefit of their self-growth? Do they teach them
about dreaming? Do they teach them about survival? Do they teach them about
saying 'No'?
I have two girls and I'm extremely proud of them. They are learning stand
up for what they want. They are learning to differentiate between 'right'
and 'wrong.' They are learning to discover their own personalities (and
teach me a few home truths as well, and I like that). They are learning how
to accept the less fortunate and show compassion. They are learning how to
hold their heads high and never to think that they are less best than their
peers, because of a situation. Above all, they are learning to speak
against people who propagate wrongs. They are a handful alright, as their
own personalities shape up with the exposure of their environment. I can't
say much of the other children I observe (and this without prejudice) who
come from seemingly `happy' households, because their parents live in
closed wells of their own.
I fail to understand these dual standards.
I know a couple of friends who've chosen to say 'No' to abuse. They have
said it with full dignity. They have stood up for themselves. They have
turned their backs on prejudice. And they are striving to make happy lives
for themselves and their children. More and more women are choosing single
parenthood in Goa. It is symptomatic of a changing society. It is not about
stigma. It does not make them lesser human beings because they chose a
status of independence. In fact, they serve as examples as why women must
learn to stand up for themselves. Man or no man. And if you need a
companion, go ahead and have him. It is about why women must rebuild and
seek happiness all over again. This is the basis of my 'Singles Again Club'
for men and women which we recently launched for individuals who want a
life of respectful independence. Tell me, how many of us can stand up and
truly demand a life of quality? I do. You must too.
PS: Queries on what the Club intends to do, or suggestions are most welcome.
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