Roadside Shrine Exchange Program Citizens volunteer to demolish their own shrines.
Unknown to the general public of Goa a top secret meeting was called for last week, of non-religious heads from the four major religions - Hindu, Catholic, Muslim and Alternate. The Alternates were included because they are statistically significant. They include Believers, Seventh Day Adventists, Vipassana Breathers, Yoga Addicts, Art of Living Disciples, Martial Art Practitioners, Multi Level Marketing Down-liners, Young Abacus Mathematicians and other converts to such new marginal religions - that are attracting many followers. The head of the Alternates did not turn up for the meeting as she was busy forwarding a hoax SMS to everyone in her mobile phone book in the hope of getting free talk-time.
The main purpose of the top secret meeting was to hammer out an agreement under the banner "Let's Keep Roadsides Secular". Of course there was no fanfare as accompanied "Together for Panjim" or "Panjim Chaka Chak" as no event manager was interested in a concept that had (a) No entertainment budget (b) No opportunity to promote oneself. Priests and politicians from all religions were purposely kept out of the meeting as it was not in their interest to break down roadside shrines. Yes. That's what the Top Secret Inter-Religion Roadside Shrine Exchange Program meeting was all about. Setting up an exchange system to demolish roadside shrines and those that had the potential to become traffic hazards. Each community would volunteer to demolish or re-locate their own shrines, and the other communities would reciprocate equally. The Government doesn't have the political will or the guts. We have to do it ourselves. This was the attitude.
I was present at the top secret meeting and am not afraid to reveal to the public the dastardly plans that threaten to tear apart the religious nature of our state and our country. To avoid any violent repercussions I have changed the names of certain speakers to hide their identity.
Simon D'Souza, representing the Secular Catholics, initiated the meeting on a very aggressive note. He publicly apologised to everyone present for the omni-present Accident Crosses. To quote Simon, "Our community has started this totally un-civil trend. Fortunately no other community has followed suit. If we had roadside shrines for every road accident victim in Goa our roadsides would have been so cluttered that even ugly billboards would not be seen. On behalf of the Secular Catholics I promise to re-locate every Accident Cross to the property of the accident victim's family."
Most of the others present scoffed at the viability of such a move but they all applauded anyway.
Pradeep Naik, on behalf of Secular Hindus, was even more remorseful about the roadside sins of his community. "This practice of stopping to offer coconuts and bananas at certain roadside tree shrines has to be stopped. I will use all my strength to convince my people to offer food to the needy instead. These practices cause accidents rather than preventing them"
"And on behalf of Secular Muslims all over Goa", said Amir Mainuddin, "I promise that we will have Friday prayers in wide open spaces rather than blocking traffic with spillover from our roadside mosques."
The meeting heated up considerably when the 'road map' of the Exchange Program was unfolded by Kamlesh Deshprabhu, the Deputy Director of Transport. A top team of statisticians, sociologists and traffic experts had spent more than a year studying the matter and assigning 'nuisance weights' to every roadside shrine in Goa - of any religion. A Quantum of Obstruction (QO) numerical figure was then assigned to every shrine. For example, the Chapel in the Goa Velha market had a QO value of 266 because it not only exaggerated the existing traffic bottleneck, but also could easily have been shifted a few meters back at the time it was being rebuilt. The Hindu shrine at the old Patto Bridge and the one near Bal Bhavan in Campal had QO values of 183 and 197 respectively. These high figures were not so much because of any physical obstruction but because of uncivil devotees who parked their vehicles irregularly (sometimes on the bridge itself!) and crossed the road recklessly to perform their rituals.
The negotiations started. The Secular Catholics seemed in a very generous mood. Without any provocation they agreed that Compound Wall Grottos and Elaborate Crosses would henceforward be compulsory facing inwards so that ladainha celebrations did not cause traffic obstructions. Not to be outdone the Secular Hindus voluntarily agreed that Ganesh immersion processions would henceforward be held on internal roads only and not block main roads. The Secular Muslims agreed that evening prayers need not be broadcast to the whole city and agreed to ban amplified prayers altogether.
Stunned by this move the Secular Catholics had a hurried conference and came forward with a proposal that feast processions would be restricted to the church premises. Secular Hindus shot back with a suggestion that filmi music during a zatra was not really appeasing the Gods and only un-amplified live devotional music would be permitted. Things were getting out of hand. The Secular Muslims decided that marching down the main road, and blocking traffic, for Id-ul-Anything was totally unnecessary. Director Deshpande was hastily jotting down all the suggestions. This was music to his ears. Unplugged music. Things had moved from roadside shrines to noise pollution to basic civil behavior.
I thought to myself how T. B. Cunha must surely be chuckling to himself in his grave. Just when Goa and Goans were marching towards mainstream Indian Nationalism, with communal riots and terrorist arrests, here were the spoilsports who wanted Goa to be uniquely different with a culture of mutual respect, understanding and civic sense. Ajeeb hai vo Goa ke lok. Ajeeb indeed.
------- The humour column above appeared in Gomantak Times dated 16th March 2006 ====
