Spousal name-calling Honey, I shrunk your handle By Cecil Pinto
At a recent Diamond Jubilee Wedding Anniversary reception I attended, the Toastmaster related this hilarious anecdote about his visit to the home of an elderly couple. Apparently he had dinner at the house of a couple who were both in their nineties. The husband kept addressing his wife with the most endearing terms, "Sweetheart, can you pass the salt", "Darling, I could do with some more salad", "Honey, do give our guest some more wine". While sipping post-dinner liqueurs our man cornered the old guy and said, "I am really amazed that after so many years of marriage your romance has not died". The semi-senile old man didn't quite understand, "What romance, at our age? What are you talking about?" The guest explained, "You called your wife Honey, Sweetheart and Darling". The old man just scoffed, "Oh that! Very simple young man, I forgot the old cow's name some ten years back and couldn't be bothered to ask her!"
This joke got me thinking. Many questions came to mind. How do we address our spouses? Does it differ vastly from culture to culture? Is it different in a matriarchal society as opposed to the conventional patriarchal society? Can I really use such big words in my column without someone catching on that I don't know quite what they mean? Will the Toastmaster stop droning on? When will the drinks be served?
I decided that this 'spouse name' thing was relevant enough to warrant further research and so while the elderly Diamond Jubilee celebrants thanked the Toastmaster I sent an SMS from my mobile to most everyone in my cell-phone address book, "How do you address your spouse? If you are unmarried how do your parents address each other?". Before the first round of drinks made their way to our table, I had some relevant replies in, as well as some from half-witted mavericks who wrote stuff like, "What's a spouse? Does my good-for-nothing husband qualify?" or "Why should my father address his dead wife? She can't hear him anyway!"
It's amazing what people call each other, endearing or otherwise. The gamut ranges from nicknames to surnames to curse words to, you're not going to believe this: nothing at all! Orthodox Hindu wives of today or Catholic wives of yesterday never utter their husband's name in his presence. Ok! Ok! Let's deal with each possibility separately, but at this point I would like to make two statements to clarify my position before some smart aleck academic writes in saying that wives in some obscure clan in Uttar Pradesh call their husbands through their husband's younger brother, with whom they share a particularly special and romanticised relationship. Here are my two statements: #1 I write this column in a Goan newspaper for a Goan audience and so the marital shenanigans and utterances of Uttar Pradesh tribals does not interest my readership or me. #2 If National or International level publications want to syndicate my column I am willing to abandon my Goan perspective at the drop of a cheque.
Where was I before I slipped that blatant sales pitch in? Ah yes! Spouse names. My good friend Gerard refers to his childhood sweetheart, and wife Francesca as "Fat Ar**". Now if you knew Gerard and Francesca you would realise that it's just a gesture of romantic affection, specially considering that Francesca's backside is quite trim compared to Gerard's paunch which is quite vast. What is disconcerting though is that Gerard is now training his barely year old son, Lester, to refer to his own mother as "Fat Ar**"!
In times of anger I have heard people address their otherwise 'loving' spouse in any number of very insulting terms. In Konkani particularly, those that allege to certain bovine and porcine anatomical terms are quite colourful, but don't have place in a family publication such as this and these terms are only used in a highly emotive moment. Terms like "Bunkins", "Sweetheart", "Darling" or simply "love" are normally used when either the husband is seeking sexual favours, or when the wife wants to upgrade to a new family car - because the next door neighbours did.
My father addresses my mother as "Lulu" despite her name being Lira. She in turn calls him "Forty" when he was christened Fortunato, don't ask me why but it probably just has to do with terms of endearment rather than any cultural norm. On the other hand, my mother-in-law addressed her late husband as "Costa" and never by his first name. In the olden days this was a sign of respect for one's husband - never addressing him by his name. Of course in male-dominated Goan and Indian culture this was very much a one-way street. Some couples have spent an entire married lifetime with the woman never once addressing her husband by his given name, or any moniker for that matter. Of course, with phones being omnipresent these days it may be rather difficult. Think about it, a phone conversation without addressing your husband by name. "Hello?", "Hello!", "Is that you?", "Who?", "You?", Who you?", "You who?", "Yahoooooooo!!!"
Hindu women particularly have a pretty raw deal. Not only does their surname change after marriage, also their husband has the religious and legal authority to give her a new first name at the time of marriage - and often utilises that prerogative. Those ancient sages sure had a mischievous streak when framing the rules. I guess a particularly mean Hindu groom, who had been conned into marrying an absolute bimbo by the offer of a two-bedroom flat, Maruti 800, TV, lockable cupboard and cash dowry, could get even by bestowing a dastardly name like "Kolvont" on his wife.
Goan Hindu wives have recently started to assert themselves by not only retaining their maiden name but also changing it to something celebriti-cally correct, like from "Deepa" to "Dipaaah". Goan Catholic wives cash-in and try and hark back to their family name. For example, a very vocal feminist married woman friend of mine signs off as (name changed on request!) Marilyn Dias e Figueiredo, to retain her maiden family identity, and even has printed personal stationery to that effect. I have a hearty laugh when Marilyn fills out an obligatory Application Form at any office. What matters for a married woman in India is that finally she has to fill in her Husband's Name. Her original name and surname is of little consequence to anyone but her!
---- The humour column above appeared in Gomantak Times dated 27th April 2006 === _____________________________________________ Do not post admin requests to the list. Goanet mailing list (Goanet@goanet.org)
