Is he gay, or just happy to see you?
How to Identify Gays: Guidelines for Women
Cecil Pinto
A friend of mine, from London, recently related to me a curious predicament
she was facing. Apparently she was quite smitten by this charming guy at
her new workplace and wanted to ask him out on a romantic date.
Potentially, he seemed to be the perfect match - handsome, charming,
sensitive, well dressed, organised, well read, humorous, efficient, rich...
Her fear was that she might discover he was a homosexual. It had happened
to her many times before. What? I just couldn't believe this. What are the
chances of this happening? On making enquiries among my cyber friends
worldwide, I found out that this is a common occurrence in the West. The
most desirable men are gay! In Goa of course this is not a routine problem
because (1) Women rarely ask men out (2) The most desirable men are
heterosexual, happily married, and write humour columns!
So, as a favour for my friend, and womankind in general, I decided to
formulate a set of guidelines. Somewhat like "How to Tell if He is Gay".
It's a challenging task I have embarked on, but fortunately I have a few
articulate gay friends who are helping me in my mission. Below are sneak
previews of some of my initial discoveries. Keep in mind though that these
guidelines are not fool proof. No single factor mentioned below is a sure
fire indication of homosexuality, but if many of the signals occur in
conjunction then you could be on the right (or wrong if you're female!)
track. Remember these guidelines are meant for females who find a guy
interesting and want to know if he is gay. They are not meant for morally
warped gay bashers to identify and harass these guys of different
persuasion . Gay bashers have deep rooted security problems and are worthy
of only pity and contempt. Here goes...
1) If you think he's gay you're probably right: Trust your feminine
instinct. If your mind is still obscured by passion, ask an existing gay
friend of yours to observe your target and report back to you. His analysis
will be accurate. Gays have an inbuilt 'gaydar' that helps them 'home in'
and identify their own.
2) Do a lot of older women like him?: Gays are more attentive to mothers
and grandmothers, while straight men are more attentive to younger women -
for obvious reasons. If he's surrounded by older women he's probably gay.
On the other hand he could be a straight with an unresolved Oedipus complex.
3) Is he attracted to other men?: Observe how he reacts with other people,
especially strangers in public. If he's ogling women then he's straight. If
he's eyeing attractive men then he's definitely gay. If he's avoiding
looking at sexy women and looking at the latest bikes and cars, he could be
a straight man who has been browbeaten into submission by his
wife/girlfriend into denying his natural instincts. When will women realise
that straight men will always ogle attractive women? That is our nature. It
is pre-written in our genes! It has nothing do with being faithful. Oops! I
went off track again.
4) Interaction with staff: A gay man will be most courteous to
receptionists, waiters, doormen, hairdressers... even his own employees. A
straight man on the other hand treats his employees with disdain and barks
at them. This is especially true of nouveau riche businessmen.
5) Compliments: A gay man will always compliment you on some aspect of your
appearance or surroundings. They have an eye for detail and say stuff like
'luscious' to describe a warm yellow wall or use French sounding words like
'repertoire'. They even air kiss like the French. Apparently, anything
French is big with gays. Don't ask me why. A gay man will also identify the
exact brand of scent, or shade of nail polish or lipstick, you are wearing.
He might even go to the extent of advising you on how a different style of
bra would do wonders for your cleavage and bustline. On the other hand, he
could be a smooth straight operator trying to cop a feel.
6) Grooming and Living: If he's gay he probably will have a wide range of
expensive co-ordinated footwear for each carefully selected ensemble (his
words not yours) and a different scent for every occasion. A skincare
routine you've only read about in Cosmo, sculptured abs, great biceps - all
due to a strict gym and parlor regime. Dandy loud dressing of course is a
dead giveaway - but then he might just be an upcoming tiatrist, or a Mumbai
yuppie tourist. Gays will wear exactly fitting clothes, whereas straight
men always buy one size bigger. Gays rarely grow facial hair (unless it's
designer stubble i.e. 5 o'clock shadow George Michael style) and any body
hair is perfectly groomed.
7) Earrings, Limp Wrists, Hand Holding etc: Earrings on a male were once
considered a dead giveaway of gayness. That no longer holds good. I have a
very straight friend, who has four earrings on each ear and has fathered
two teenage children. Limp wrists are a good indicator and a fairly
reliable red signal. In Goa you will often see young men holding hands
while walking or talking. If this is at the Margao Municipal Garden then
they're definitely gay, but almost anywhere else it can be ignored as an
Indian male bonding thing; like dancing stag in a circle at a dance, or
sitting three astride a bike, or going for movies in groups. How these
losers will meet interesting females, if they are constantly bonding among
themselves, is beyond me. But that's beside the point.
8) Refinement: Gays are experts on opera, ballet, classical music, art
movies and such supposedly 'refined' matters. The all love, adore and
worship some woman named Maria Callas, an opera star of yesteryears,
apparently. He will open doors, leave generous tips, be genuinely
interested in you and what you have to say - he'll even pay the bill in the
'perfect' restaurant he has chosen. He will be a guru of modern manners and
etiquette, he'll carry a freshly pressed handkerchief (finest Egyptian
cotton, monogrammed) and not bat an eyelid when you say it will be at least
another forty five minutes before you're ready. If the guy you're hot for
is raving about the latest William de Curtorim VCD, then he's neither
refined nor gay.
9) Ask him: Of course if these tips are not enough you can just go up to
your prey and ask him, "Are you gay?" If he's honest he will admit to it.
If he answers something like, "Does it really matter?", then he's probably
gay and still wants female bonding company. But a straight man will answer,
"What?! Me gay?!!! Are you out of your bloody mind!!"
-----
The humour column above appeared in Gomantak Times dated 4th May 2006.
Because of space (column word-count) limitations I am unable to add a lot
more, on this matter, that I have learnt from gay and female friends - who
I am very much indebted to, for their assistance. I intend expanding this
into a full fledged set of guidelines which can be applicable worldwide.
Suggestions and comments most welcome at <[EMAIL PROTECTED]>. Please
forward this to any female you think might find it useful. Thanks.
====
_____________________________________________
Do not post admin requests to the list.
Goanet mailing list (Goanet@goanet.org)
