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This has to be told even if it smells of dirty laundry. Perhaps some
naive overseas Goans among whom I counted myself (emphasis on past
tense), might learn something if they are foolish enough to venture on
a similar endeavor like this. A venture which by now I fully regret.
Here I am planning to go to Goa with my wife who has not cared to go
there for more than a decade and a half. Having no more than a week to
spend in a place where one must spend ideally a month I need to
improvise and I'll tell you why. I have about a half a hundred
relatives, my own and by marriage and they live anywhere from A for
Assagao to V for Varca Now as any Goan knows, if one does not visit
one's relatives, no matter where they live, one automatically gets a
label of "he forgets his days". I really don't know which days that
refers to, as I lived anywhere but Goa during my early life in India.
So we, my wife and I hit upon a plan of having a really nice party at
a really nice family restaurant near Panjim. The owners were very
close to us in the Gulf and they agree to close the place to the
public for that day. We decide on the best of food and drink, money
being no object for this purpose. The purpose being to meet and greet
all these relatives at one place in order to be able to tell them with
equanimity and determination that we would not be able to come to
their houses individually. At one house a day, "have lunch, have tea
and stay for dinner" we would need 50 days, leaving no time to go
anywhere else even if say, I had those 50 days.
So we plan everything in style and with good prior notice. Emails with
RSVPs giving them a month to decide. Until I discover that only 10 of
them have emails. Of those 10, I quickly learn that 5 only have
so-called email addresses. For example, one of those 5 actually said
to me: "I have email address but I have to go to Margao to get the
girl at the office to open it for me. There goes that address. And so
much for computerization of the Goan population.
So we, my wife and I start banging the international phone lines with
the task of calling the other 45. At least they all have phones thank
God. We allow for the time difference and all, but we soon learn that
it is impossible to get (names changed to save embarrassment) Peter
because he is at the casino most of the time, gambling away his
ancestral property which luckily for him fetches good prices these
days. Lucy because she has found religion and spends an inordinate
time at the church. Gabriel since he is always travelling to and from
Rajasthan carting marble for his new construction. Linda because of
her focused hunt for a "nice" boy for her daughter who will soon cross
marriageable age. So on and so forth, you get the picture. We actually
get about half of the 45 actually on phone but all hopes of a positive
and happy demeanor on hearing that we are coming to Goa and giving
them a free invitation to a lavish party, quickly vanish.
Estrelita says "Why party-barty Roland, you got too much money or
what?". This from a lady who can buy and sell me at a big loss. Laura
says "just like your father, always want to enjoy. He died at 52, you
know". As if I need to be told. The 52 part I mean. Christabelle says
" If Dominic and his wife are coming, forget it". Rosy says "Baba,
with that same money take my son to Canada. He is wasting his life
here." Bottom line - no one gave an indication of whether they would
come or not.
My narrative hasn't ended. The worst part comes when I tell those whom
I get on the line to please pass on my invitation to their brother or
sister or cousin who neither answered their phones not had any
voicemail system whatever. I have yet to come across anyone in Goa
with a phone that has voicemail.
As I was saying, here's the bitterest part. In my best pleading voice
I say "Laura, I couldn't get your brother Edward on the line. Can you
please convey my invitation to him?" Laura: "you know Roland he is a
very particular fellow, you have to ask him yourself or it'll be an
insult to him if I tell him". "But Laura he has gone to Rajasthan and
I don't know when he'll be back". "Keep on trying re, call everyday to
see if he has come. And if you get him, call me and tell me he has
returned". The others weren't as un-intentionally funny when asked to
pass on the invitation, but I assure you none agreed.
Do your Goan relatives have cathedral-sized egos, like mine? Never
mind that, whatever you do, don't organize a party for your relatives
in Goa.
