Goa, the land of sun, sea and food. Or, as some say, Goa, the land of sex, sea and sorpotel. I like both descriptions. But who would have thought that the little idyllic state of Goa would have such a furiously fought election? When you think Goa, you think Almeida, Braganza, Correia, D'Cunha, Figueira, Gonçalves and others. Suddenly it's all about the Ranes, the Alemaos, the Monserrates, the Naiks and their cronies. So I decided to talk to my dear friend, who lives in Candolim. I pick up the phone and say, “Is Francis there?” A slurry voice on the other end replies, “It's bloody two in the afternoon. Is this any bloody time to call? Who is this?” I reveal my identity. “Oh bloody Kunal, what the f***. Where you been bugger?” “Around,” I say. “So good to hear from you. It's been so long. How come you called?” I feel elevated, “Just thought I'd say hi.” “Ok, hi, and by the way, call me back at five.” <click> The resounding <click> of the phone being disconnected was not just a sound. It was the sound of a Goan afternoon. Food, booze and a long siesta. I wait till 5.30 and call again. “Francis, this is Kunal.” “Oh bloody Kunal, what the f***. Where you been bugger?” “I called in the afternoon.” “Whadyousayingman?” I decide that there was no point in reminding him, and that I should just get down to what I had actually called for. I start, “Francis, what's happening in Goa, with the elections?” This question was good enough for his Portuguese blood to boil. At this point I must explain that Francis no longer has pure Portuguese blood. Four hundred and fifty years later, the blood is mixed with a fair amount of Indian blood and large amounts of feni. In fact, Francis's full name is Francis Emilio Nicodemo Iglésias. F-E-N-I. Feni for short. “So Francis, what's happening in Goa, with the elections?” Francis bursts into a tirade as vitriolic as a well-made vindaloo. “What to do men. Everybody and deir fadders are standing for election. Mudder, fadder, sister, brudder, brudder-in-law, fadder-in-law. Even bloody Joachim's third cousin from his mudder's side is standing men. It's a bloody shame.” “What about issues in Goa, Francis?" Francis loses it again, “Of course they are concerned with issues, in fact they are only concerned with their issue. Churchill Alemao is concerned with his issue, Valanka Alemao, his daughter. Pratapsingh Rane is concerned with his issue, his son Vishwajit Rane. Unfortunately I never got married otherwise I'd have had ten or twelve issue and all of them could have stood for elections. Bloody shame it is!” I try to get a word in, “Not those kind of issue. I am talking about issues like... say water.” “What water? We have no water issue in Goa men.” I try again, “But I heard there is a major water issue in Goa?” “Bloody rubbish, how much water does a Goan need men? Two drops of water in one peg of feni. Even if you have a conservative seven drinks a day, that is 14 drops of water.” I begin stuttering. All the questions I mentally planned to ask him are now just bits of scrap in my brain, and I do not know how to respond to Francis's last proclamation. It is he who then breaks the short silence. “I have decided that I also want to have a party,” confesses Francis. “Bloody Congress has a party, BJP has a party, NCP has a party, why should I not have a party of my own?” “But Francis,” I turn patronising, “do you even know what to do with a party?” Francis challenges me, “Of course, I bloody know what to do in a party.” “What is that?” I ask. “What everybody does at all parties. Drink, dance, eat and go home!” [email protected]
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