[Reproduced below are four pieces, arranged roughly in reverse
chronological order.

The first one, at the very bottom, is Ghazala Wahab's charge against M J
Akbar, the boss, on the ground of sexual harrassments and the passive
complicity of Seema Mustafa, who, allegedly, had been the second-in-command
(?).

The subsequent three are Ms Mustafa's responses in self-defence and also
offering her assessment of the current wave in motion.

There are obviously two aspects involved and closely intertwined.

One, the specific case. The responsibities and roles of the three parties
involved.
(Of course, M J Akbar's testimony is missing here. That's a significant
gap. Nevertheless.)

Two, the broader issue of MeToo, triggered by the spirited coming out of
Tanushree Dutta, against rather formidable Nana Patekar. Further aided by
Vinta Nanda, with her courageous stand against Alok Nath.
What're its positives and what are the dark spots, if any?

These are, even if intertwined, two different issues.
Need be carefully segregated and evaluated.

Beyond the particularity of this specific case, the MeToo is obviously a
suddedn and spontaneous outburst, very much triggered by Tanushree Dutta's
spirited protests and the complex responses that followed.
It's by no way an organised, preplanned and coordinated set of actions.
Dutta appears to have been able to remove the stopper, at least partly, of
a highly pressurised bottle of pent-up emotions.
Quite a few have opted to come out in the open.
Quite likely, the overwhwlming majority still subscribe to the notion that
discretion is the better part of valour. Never mind.
It has caused a stir nonetheless.

Those who have come out are all professional women, few are fairly affluent.
Of course, considerably, more privileged than an average Indian woman or,
even, man.
But, their privileged positions also carry their own insecurities, and
allurements too.
That make them singularly vulnerable, to men in positions of power.
Some may be even voluntarily using their vulnerabilities vis-a-vis the men
in power to their own advantage, making it a *sort of* win-win deal.
But there're others, who're just not ready for it.
Even those falling in the first category might have not been able to escape
the accompanying psychological trauma altogether.

It's a struggle pertaining to a rather tiny section of the populace.
But encapsulates the broader power equation in the society.
Any positive outcome cannot but have a cascading effect.
A negative outcome hardly chages anything.

Ms Mustafa has made certain general points, for the above reasons, are
worth taking note of:
<<The first problem that I encountered with this movement, and that
remains, is its inability to differentiate between the man who is guilty of
rape and sexual assault from the man who solicited a woman with a drink, or
an unacceptable text message. The movement offers the same ‘punishment’ for
all. The same response, and the same reaction.>>
Spontaneity, driven by emotions has its own problems.

Her points as regards the elitist nature of the movement are both
self-evident and, let's say, banal.
It overlooks the specificity of power equations between genders, that
obtains cutting across class lines.
That's where the importance of MeToo lies.
It poses a challenge to the reigning order.
How ephemeral, or otherwise, only time will tell.]

I/IV.

Seema Mustafa
4 hrs

I have said that I do not remember Ghazala Wahab confiding in me about the
assault by Asian Age editor MJ Akbar. As I re-read her account I find that
she mentioned meeting me in the Surya Kiran building where she says I was
Bureau Chief in 1997. The fact is, as my colleagues now remind me, that I
was not the Bureau Chief while the Asian Age was functioning from Surya
Kiran building. I had a part time position and came into the office only
occasionally to write an editorial when required. I did not have a cubicle
of my own, though Ghazala's account says that she spoke to me in my
cubicle. And that she approached me because I was the Bureau Chief. I only
took over as Bureau Chief when the office shifted to Vandana Building,
which is when I joined as a permanent staff member. Ghazala's account
refers to a time when someone else was the Chief of Bureau.Incidentally
Ghazala, as she says, joined AA in 1994 when it was launched. I joined as a
part timer in 1997 and then went on to become the Bureau Chief.

II/IV.
Seema Mustafa
21 hrs

There is finally a fight for a decisive change in the culture of newsrooms
and media organisations, that have thus far accorded impunity to powerful
men. While I have reservations with the MeToo movement, I have repeatedly
said that this particular change is to be celebrated.

Anyone who knows me can vouch for the fact that I have, over the years,
been consistent in my condemnation - both on and off the record - of the
culture at Asian Age, created by MJ Akbar.

We were never silent, but our inability to be more vocal stemmed from the
inability at the time -- 20 years ago -- of victims to publicly share the
account of harassment.

I do not recall anyone coming forth while I was at the Asian Age, and yet,
I believe Ghazala Wahab when she says that she confided in me. Although I
had only recently been confirmed in the Asian Age, I hope that when I said
she should take a call, it meant that the decision to report the harassment
she faced was hers to make, but she had my support if she chose to report
it.

Unfortunately, at the time - victims did not have the safety or security to
speak out, or perhaps the support to fight it out. We did not have sexual
harassment committees or social media, and the only course of redressal was
to file a complaint with the cops. This was perhaps the reason that
journalists of my generation were forced to fight sexual harassment
directly or remain silent.

I am glad women finally have the space, security and support to call out
perpetrators of sexual violence, and demand a necessary shift in newsrooms
and media organisations.

I stand by my article in TheCitizen.in that was written before Ghazala's
story was published. In the article I have written on the culture at Asian
Age in detail, and then later added that I support and stand by Ghazala and
the others coming forward.

My reservations with MeToo should not be misconstrued into a support or
defence for MJ Akbar and other perpetrators of violence.



III/IV.
https://www.thecitizen.in/index.php/en/NewsDetail/index/7/15213/Whoa-MeToo-Hold-Your-Horses

SEEMA MUSTAFA | 10 OCTOBER, 2018

Whoa #MeToo, Hold Your Horses…

Whoa #MeToo, Hold Your Horses…

Note: This article was written before Ghazala Wahab’s disclosure on MJ
Akbar and has been updated since. It refers to the work culture at the
Asian Age of the time, that is between 1997 when I had just joined till my
resignation ten years later. Following a misleading campaign on Twitter,
that misconstrued my reservations with MeToo into a defence for MJ Akbar, I
have clarified my position in a status and in this subsequent article.

At the very beginning let me make two facts clear. One, I am writing as a
journalist who has spent a lifetime on the side of the oppressed, and this
includes women, particularly those in the rural areas. And hence come into
the #MeToo debate with some reluctance, but as a person from the same side
of the fence, fully opposed to patriarchy in all its forms, and flying the
flag for gender equality, justice and rights. This is for those who might
not be conversant with the work I and many other colleagues have done,
walked the roads, been hit by water canons, attacked by goons in the fields
for covering rape of Dalit women, social oppression et al.

And it is after much thought and discussion I have finally reached the
conclusion that I have a problem with the tone and tenor of the MeToo
movement on the social media. Maybe, as feminists have noted in their
writings for newspapers like The Guardian, it is a generational gap, or
perhaps the trial of both --- the accuser and the accused --- on the social
media is too unsavoury to digest. For the girls are also being attacked by
the usual patriarchal mindset for doing little more than sharing experience.

The first problem that I encountered with this movement, and that remains,
is its inability to differentiate between the man who is guilty of rape and
sexual assault from the man who solicited a woman with a drink, or an
unacceptable text message. The movement offers the same ‘punishment’ for
all. The same response, and the same reaction.

It also seems difficult --- for me at least as my years in journalism were
spent in the backwaters of the Hindi belt mostly --- to accept a movement
that is so exclusive and by its very nature is confined to the upwardly
mobile elite in a couple of big cities with no resonance whatsoever in the
smaller districts and villages. Well that is not the intention, others
might argue but then can such a movement in a country like India where the
majority is excluded --- including the girls working under harrowing
circumstances in regional purposes --- actually carry legitimacy beyond a
point? And be successful in confronting patriarchy in the manner intended?
These are questions that come to mind, and are not condemnations of the
movement itself.

At the same time I am convinced and impressed with the argument of the
supporters of MeToo that it has succeeded in placing the onus on the man
for acts of sexual harassment; two it allows women to speak in the security
of larger support on the social media and three, creates an environment
where the victim does not have to suffer from the insecurity of being a
victim.

But to come back to the critique in the hope that the questions and issues
raised here will be factored in to better what is clearly a powerful weapon
discovered by women across the world. In most cases the stories shared here
are old, even decades old, that the woman bottled up and seemed to be
encouraged by MeToo to share. This is a big achievement to my mind, but at
the same time, engaging with criticism -- especially from those on the same
side of the fence -- will only strengthen a movement.

Me Too has allowed journalists the space to name and shame predators in
their work environment, and ensure action. And several names have emerged,
some have gone quiet, some have protested, and some have lost their jobs or
stepped down pending enquiry.

As I write the demand for the sacking of Union Minister, and former
journalist MJ Akbar has reached a crescendo. I worked with Akbar in The
Telegraph where our boss in Delhi was Kewal Verma, and he was that entity
who flitted in and out of Delhi. We met him sometimes, and to be frank he
did not seem to be particularly interested in any of us in the Bureau. In
fact, rather antagonistic for the most part.After serious political
differences with him---he had become a Rajiv Gandhi bhakt midway, stopping
my reports (I was covering the Congress party)--I went to Aveek Sarkar and
resigned. By the way, Akbar stayed in a hotel when he came to Delhi, and
used that for interviews and meetings. I was interviewed at the hotel, and
so were some colleagues who did not report anything unusual. Incidentally I
met Sarkar also in his hotel room in Delhi, to resign. As I met several
diplomats, and visiting scholars, judges and even officials. So hotel rooms
were then part of work, not sleazy unless the man inside made them so.
Perhaps it is different now.

I did not see or speak with Akbar for a decade, and then at some point
joined the Asian Age. It was here that one became aware of his growing
interest in younger girls, and while many joined and stayed the course
there were no complaints from the Bureau. Not a single, a fact I verified
with recent conversations with former colleagues. He left the Bureau
completely alone, never hassled any girl, communicated with reporters
(including men) directly through me, adopting a hands off approach for all
the time I worked there. I stayed because he gave me full space, did not
interfere, and remained polite through the years I was there. In fact many
stories he was credited for, like the nuclear deal or the Bofors
interviews, were at our initiative with Akbar--visibly worried---going
along.

It seemed to be a different story on the desk, as all his favourites
---male colleagues included---were there. He would party with them, drink
with them, mix with them while keeping a long distance from the Bureau. We
were rarely invited for these parties, hosted by the young female and male
sub-editors living in apartments. Akbar used the work place to hire young
girls who received undue attention. We don’t have any idea---and I say this
with complete responsibility and after discussion with a couple of my
senior former colleagues---whether he had sexual relations with them, but
yes women were promoted out of turn, brought on to Page 1 sub-editing as he
handled that directly, and there were whispers about specific girls on the
desk. London was a choice posting, almost reserved for girls though a
couple of guys did dent this bastion, and the perception was that the sub
editor (never a reporter) posted there was the current favourite. And
available for Akbar when he visited London which was often.

But then to be fair, often male sub editors were treated in the same
manner, with the same partiality. In fact there were girls we could not
criticise to him even for shoddy work, but there were also men he did not
want to hear a word against. We suspected a great deal, often felt we knew
a lot of what we weren’t actually able to see, but in real terms there was
not a shred of evidence, ever. Not inside the office of the Asian Age at
least. Solid speculation, no evidence. And that is the truth. But an
atmosphere full of whispers and conjecture and speculation does not make
for a healthy work place.

But now I read the story of Ghazala Wahab, a case of total harassment and
abuse by MJ Akbar. Out of the MeToo movement, but a strong indictment of
the editor and his behaviour. A confirmation of what we thought he did, and
had little by way of evidence. She says she spoke to me, and I am sure she
is right. If she spoke to me she did not share the details as she has
written them now.

It is well recognised in the women’s movement that a boss using the work
space to solicit his subordinates is guilty of sexual harassment,
regardless of whether the girl agrees or not. As he uses his position of
privilege to extract concessions that he might not receive in an equal
playing field.

Me Too is a powerful voice. But I do have a concern, which I hope other
women will help me address. My problem is that the movement is too
subjective, it is arbitrary. It has no responsibility. All I require is the
right gender, access to Twitter, and I can level any allegation against
anyone for it to be believed hook, line and sinker and for the man to be
pilloried beyond belief. I am not saying that the women are lying, most
will not be. But there will be the one, or the two, who would name a man
for reasons other than harassment. And then what? After all old fashioned
jurisprudence does warn against collateral damage, and does speak of
justice as a concept where an innocent man is not framed, even if it means
the guilty get away.

Yes men have lost their jobs and we are proud of this success of MeToo. But
on what basis? Where is the enquiry, where is the evidence, where is all
that as journalists we require before we even publish a story. The point is
behind every tweet there is a subjective story, and that is important in
our final verdict----since we have become the mob with the power to try and
hang even before the accused has a chance to defend himself.

This woman against man attitude disturbs me too. In journalism most of my
colleagues are men. I was perhaps one of the fortunate women who does not
have a single untoward incident to report where my bosses and my colleagues
were concerned. I travelled with them, in conflict situations we shared
rooms, not a word, not a gesture. But yes I do have a Who’s Who list of
others who crossed the line, repeatedly. But then there was no MeToo so I
settled them directly. And like feminist Germaine Greer has recently said
in an interview, settle them there and then. Don’t wait for years. We did
that instinctively. Many of us. We read them the riot act----and believe me
all powerful people. And they backed off and while some never spoke to me
again, others dissolved into courtesy.

MeToo is of course elite, and urban. That is the nature of the beast. It
has no room for the women who many of us have interviewed in different
locations of India, for whom rape in the fields is a daily occurrence. For
whom the patriarch is the feudal landlord who has established a right to
their bodies. Who are sick to their souls, terrified and terrorised, but
cannot even recognise it as otherwise they might end their own lives. These
women’s stories remain imprinted on the mind. The young girl in a remote
village in Banda, accessible only in a run down boat, who was raped along
with her mother and her grandmother is a walking tragedy. The police are
upper caste, the village is upper caste, and she along with her family
suffers in silence. This is India but we in our selfishness often do not
even recognise it. And if we do, don’t make it part of our own. This is the
fight to be fought. Journalists don’t visit them any longer, the women's
movements except for a couple, have disappeared from the horizon. As for
the law, where did that ever exist for the dispossessed?

And can a movement in India survive, or carry legitimacy when it is just
for a miniscule population and completely, in every which way divorced from
the masses? Questions that I guess only time will answer.

I respect the woman who has filed a petition against Soli Sorabjee, I too
was invited for Dhan Saag once but nothing happened! My full support and
solidarity for Ghazala Wahab who had obviously gone through hell, and has
come out of it with the courage to share her experience in a sober article
out of the movement. In fact her article has given the proof of MJ Akbar’s
behaviour for which he needs to lose his job. I have full respect and
support for the women who have used the hashtag to share traumatic
experiences and created an environment for debate and discussion.

I am sure there is more out there, and I know some girls who have more to
say, maybe they will find the courage. But then maybe they won’t. But the
context cannot be lost, or the larger perspective ignored.

(This is my personal view and not the considered editorial policy of The
Citizen).

(Following the misleading campaign on Twitter that has misconstrued my
reservations with MeToo into a defence for MJ Akbar, I have clarified my
position as: There is finally a fight for a decisive change in the culture
of newsrooms and media organisations, that have thus far accorded impunity
to powerful men. While I have reservations with the MeToo movement, I have
repeatedly said that this particular change is to be celebrated. Anyone who
knows me can vouch for the fact that I have, over the years, been
consistent in my condemnation - both on and off the record - of the culture
at Asian Age, created by MJ Akbar. We were never silent, but our inability
to be more vocal stemmed from the inability at the time -- 20 years ago --
of victims to publicly share the account of harassment. I do not recall
anyone coming forth while I was at the Asian Age, and yet, I believe
Ghazala Wahab when she says that she confided in me. Although I had only
recently been confirmed in the Asian Age, I hope that when I said she
should take a call, it meant that the decision to report the harassment she
faced was hers to make, but she had my support if she chose to report it.
Unfortunately, at the time - victims did not have the safety or security to
speak out, or perhaps the support to fight it out. We did not have sexual
harassment committees or social media, and the only course of redressal was
to file a complaint with the cops. This was perhaps the reason that
journalists of my generation were forced to fight sexual harassment
directly or remain silent. I am glad women finally have the space, security
and support to call out perpetrators of sexual violence, and demand a
necessary shift in newsrooms and media organisations. I stand by my article
in TheCitizen.in that was written before Ghazala's story was published. In
the article I have written on the culture at Asian Age in detail, and then
later added that I support and stand by Ghazala and the others coming
forward. My reservations with MeToo should not be misconstrued into a
support or defence for MJ Akbar and other perpetrators of violence)

IV.
https://thewire.in/media/mj-akbar-sexual-harassment

Ghazala Wahab

20 HOURS AGO

Trigger warning: This article contains details about sexual assault and
harassment which may be triggering to survivors.

As the #MeToo campaign hit India, I tweeted on October 6 that, “I wonder
when the floodgates will open about @mjakbar.” Soon enough, friends and
former colleagues from the Asian Age, where M.J. Akbar was the editor when
I joined as an intern in 1994, reached out.  Why don’t you write about your
‘Akbar story’, they urged. I wasn’t sure if it was a dignified thing to do
after over two decades. But when the messages persisted, I thought about it.

I spent the weekend replaying those harrowing six months in my mind.
Something that I had locked away in a remote corner of my mind still gave
me goose-bumps. At some point, my eyes welled up and I told myself that I
will not be known as a victim; that those six months in 1997 meant nothing
to me and do not in anyway define my personality. I decided not to
follow-up my tweet. It is one thing to discover that your idol has the base
instincts of an animal and quite another to declare it to the world. But
the messages persisted. Some said that maybe my account will give courage
to others to come out too. So, here is my story.

§

In 1989, when I was still in school, my father presented me with a copy of
Akbar’s Riot After Riot. I devoured the book in two days. I then bought
India: The Siege Within and Nehru: The Making of India. I quietly pushed
Freedom at Midnight, O Jerusalem and Is Paris Burning to one side. I had a
new favourite writer.

While I had decided to be a journalist even before I knew how to spell the
word, exposure to Akbar’s books turned desire into passion. So that I did
not lose focus, I enrolled in a bachelors’ course in journalism after
school. When I landed a job in the Delhi office of The Asian Age in 1994, I
was convinced that it was destiny that brought me there; so that I could
learn from the best in the business.

But learning had to wait. First, the illusion had to shatter. Akbar wore
his erudition lightly. A little too lightly. He screamed, he swore and he
drank in the office. ‘You are too small town-ish,’ a senior colleague
rapped me. So, I swallowed my small-townish mentality and for the next two
years accepted everything as part of the office culture — Akbar’s
flirtation with young sub-editors, his blatant favouritism and his bawdy
jokes. I heard people refer to the Asian Age Delhi office as Akbar’s harem
— there were far too many young women than men. And I also frequently heard
office gossip about his affairs with sub editors/ reporters or that in
every regional office of the Asian Age he had a girlfriend. I shrugged all
of it as office culture. I was in the periphery of his attention and
remained unaffected.


Credit: The Wire

In my third year at the Asian Age, the office culture hit home. His eyes
fell on me. And my nightmare began. My desk was shifted to just outside his
cabin, perpendicularly opposite his desk, so that if the door to his room
was left slightly open, I was face to face with him. He would sit at his
desk and watch me all the time, often sending me lewd messages on the Asian
Age intranet network. Thereafter, emboldened by my obvious helplessness, he
started calling me into his cabin (the door to which he would always shut)
for conversation, most of which was personal in nature. Things like my
family background and how I was working and living alone in Delhi against
the wishes of my parents.

Sometimes, he would make me sit opposite him while he was supposedly
writing his weekly column. The idea was that if he needed to look up a word
in the gigantic dictionary placed on a low tripod on the far end of his
cabin, he would ask me instead of walking across the room.

The dictionary was placed so low that one needed to either bend down or
squat to look up a word, with one’s back towards Akbar. Once, in autumn of
1997, while I was half-squatting over the dictionary, he sneaked up behind
me and held me by my waist. I stumbled in sheer fright while struggling to
get to my feet. He ran his hands from my breast to my hips. I tried pushing
his hands away, but they were plastered on my waist, his thumbs rubbing the
sides of my breasts.

Click here to read The Wire’s extensive coverage of India’s #MeToo movement

Not only was the door shut, his back blocked it. In those few moments of
terror, all sorts of thoughts ran through my mind. Finally, he released me.
All this while, the wily smile never left his face. I ran out of his cabin
and into the toilet to cry my eyes out. The horror and the violation that I
felt completely overwhelmed me. I told myself that this would not happen
again and that my resistance would have told him that I did not want to be
‘one of his girlfriends.’ But my nightmare had just begun.

The next evening, he called me in his cabin. I knocked and entered. He was
standing next to the door and before I could react he shut the door,
trapping me between his body and the door. I instinctively flinched, but he
held me and bent to kiss me. With my mouth clamped shut, I struggled to
turn my face to one side. The jostling continued, without much success. I
had no space to manoeuvre. Fear had rendered me speechless. As my body was
pushing against the door, at some point he let me go. Tear-stricken, I ran
out. Out of the office. Out of the Surya Kiran building and into the
parking lot. Finding a lonely spot, I sat down on the pavement and cried.

My whole life loomed in front of me. I was the first person in my family to
come out of my home town Agra to study in Delhi and thereafter work. In the
past three years, I had fought several battles at home to be able to live
and work in Delhi. Women in my family only studied but never worked. In
small town business families, girls always settled for arranged marriages.
I had fought against this patriarchy. I had refused to accept money from my
father because I wanted to make it on my own. I wanted to be a successful,
respected journalist. I just couldn’t quit and go back home as a loser.

Also read: #MeToo Singes Modi Government as M.J. Akbar is Accused of Sexual
Harassment

A colleague, Sanjari Chatterjee, had followed me into the parking lot. She
had seen me run out of his cabin with tears rolling down my face. She sat
with me for a while. Why don’t you tell Seema Mustafa about this, she
suggested. Perhaps, she can talk with Akbar and once he knows that she
knows, maybe he will back off. Seema was the bureau chief then. We both
came back to the office. I went into her cubicle and narrated my story. She
heard me. She was not surprised. She said that the call was entirely mine;
that I should decide what I wanted to do. This was 1997. I was alone,
confused, helpless and extremely frightened.

Finally, I returned to my desk. I sent him a message on Asian Age’s netware
messaging system. I told him how highly I regard him as a writer; how this
behaviour ruins that image of his in my mind and how I do not want him to
behave like this with me again.

He immediately called me in his cabin. I thought that he would apologise. I
was wrong. He looked pained at my protests and proceeded to give me a
lecture on how I was humiliating him by suggesting that his emotions for me
were not genuine…

On my way back home that night, I finally accepted that the situation at
work was going out of my control. I had to find another job. And so, I
started to look for a job. Every moment that I spent at the Asian Age
office was full of dread. Every time he called me in his cabin, I died a
thousand times. I would enter his room, with the door slightly open and
with my hand on the door knob. This amused him. Sometimes, he would walk
over to the door and put his hand over mine; sometimes he would rub his
body against mine; sometimes he would push his tongue against my pursed
lips; and every time I would push him away and escape from his room.

Also read: Dark Underbelly of Indian Media Revealed as Scores of
Journalists Say #MeToo

Then my colleague, who had by now become my guardian angel, devised a ploy.
Whenever I was called to his cabin, she would wait a moment and follow me
inside on some pretext or the other. She became my safety valve.

But this worked only to some extent. Having realised that he was not
getting his way physically, he employed emotional tactics. One evening he
called me in to his office and pleaded with me to go the Ajmer dargah to
tie a thread for him. Apparently, he could not trust anyone to do the job.
I stayed home pretending to have gone to Ajmer. But somehow, he caught on
my lie and heaped religious guilt on me. By now I was a mess of conflicting
emotions – I was guilty. I was insecure. And most of all, I was petrified.
Office no longer represented independence to me. It was a torture chamber,
I was desperate to get out of, but couldn’t find the door. I foolishly
still believed that I would be able to quit with dignity once I found
another job.

Since I continued to resist (in my limited way) his physical overtures, he
fired another salvo to break my defences – Veenu Sandal, the Asian Age
tarot card reader who used to do a weekly column. Over time, she had become
Akbar’s private astrologer. After one particularly harrowing afternoon,
when he shooed-off my protective colleague from his office so that he could
paw me, Veenu came to my desk and told me that Akbar was truly in love with
me. And that I should give him time to show me how much he cared.

I was disgusted at this animal. Could he be real? Can his sense of
entitlement be so huge that he employs an astrologer to pimp for him? At
that point, I was no longer sure of anything. What will happen if I
continue to resist him? Will he rape me? Will he harm me? I considered
going to the police, but got scared. What if he gets vengeful? I considered
telling my parents, but I knew that would be the end of my barely-begun
career.

After several sleepless nights, I figured that staying on in the Asian Age
while looking for another job was no longer an option. That I must quit
immediately. So, I mustered courage and told him that I was quitting. He
lost his balance. He hollered while I cowered in my chair. Then he got all
emotional and held me urging me not to leave him. I came out of his room
shaking to the bones. This was turning into an unending nightmare which
affected every aspect of my life. I lost my appetite. I lost my sleep. I
lost my desire to hang out with my friends.

Also read: Dear men of #MeToo: Abuse is behaviour, not a symptom of mental
illness

Then it got worse. Akbar told me that he was launching an edition from
Ahmedabad and wanted me to shift there. All my protests about my parents
not allowing me to shift were brushed aside as he started to loudly plan. I
would be given a house in Ahmedabad and everything would be taken care of
by the company. And whenever he came there, he would stay with me.

My panic shot through the roof. In that moment of pure terror, I discovered
a reservoir of calm within. I stopped protesting. Slowly, over the next few
weeks I started clearing my desk, taking my books etc., home, a few at a
time. So that the evening before my departure for Ahmedabad, my desk was
clear. Handing over a sealed envelope which had my resignation letter to
Akbar’s secretary I left the office at the usual time. I requested her to
give the envelope to him only the following evening, well after it would be
discovered that I hadn’t taken the flight to Ahmedabad.

Next day, I stayed home. In the evening, Akbar called on my home phone
number. He had taken my number from the office. He raved – angry and
emotional by turns. I was petrified. What if he comes home? I stayed awake
the whole night and boarded the first train to my parents the next morning.
Nobody asked me anything at home. My parents sensed that all was not well.
The fight had gone out of all of us. I stayed home for a few weeks. Then
when I told my father that I wanted to return to Delhi to my job, he didn’t
protest. All he said was, look for another job. And I broke down.

In the last 21 years, I had put all this behind me. I was determined not to
be a victim, and not let one monster’s debauchery ruin my career, even
though occasionally I had nightmares. Maybe now the nightmares will stop.

The Wire had written to M.J. Akbar on October 9, 2018 seeking his response
to the accusations several women had made against him. We will inform our
readers of any reply we receive from him.

Ghazala Wahab is executive editor FORCE newsmagazine and co-author of the
book Dragon on our Doorstep: Managing China Through Military Power
-- 
Peace Is Doable

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