Forwarded from the ZRX1100 list.... Kevin Hawkins // Greensboro, NC [EMAIL PROTECTED] http://www.freecfm.com/r/raddboy Y2K Kawasaki ZRX1100 //'93 Yamaha GTS1000 //'85 FZ750 Due to the enormous rash of high-power superbikes falling into squidly hands & subsequently being crashed or used for utter-stupidity, US lawmakers have put heavy pressure on the manufacturers to enact some sort of applicant screening to prevent this. The Japanese manufacturers (Italian's claimed their bikes were too expensive for most squids & declined to participate), came up with this qualification exam which will be given to anyone considering purchasing a new or used 4-cyclinder streetbike over 600cc. Statistics have shown that squids usually shy away from most twins. Based upon the scoring of the exam, prospective bike owners will be able to purchase only those bikes they qualify for. The state DMV is also considering enacting such an exam to further put a stop to unnecessary squidly behavior. Motorcyclist Squid Assessment Tool v1.0 Your age is: A) Under 18 B) 18-21 C) 21-25 D) 25-29 E) Over 29 You are purchasing this bike because: A) It's currently "Da Bomb" B) It can do great wheelies & stoppies C) It can do great wheelies D) It can do great stoppies E) It's the best performing bike for the value How are you paying for the bike? A) N/A - stolen B) Parents signing for a loan C) Parents co-signing for a loan D) Financing with no money down E) Financing with minimum down F) Paying cash Your insurance coverage will be: A) None (No license) B) None 'cause I don't crash C) Collision only D) Collision & Comprehensive E) Full coverage You will use the bike for: A) Wheelies & stoppies B) Wheelies C) Stoppies D) Racing on the interstate/freeway E) Racing on the race-track Your idea of safety gear is: A) None, "dat shit is for pussies!" B) Beanie helmet (because it's required by law bastards) C) Fingerless gloves D) Tank-top E) Shorts F) Flip-flops G) Leathers w/full helmet Your idea of a hard ride is A) Runnin' from the cops (then bragging about it) B) Draggin' with the Boyz out on I15 C) Racin' with my crew through traffic D) 4 mile wheelies on I15 E) Stoppies F) A local club race Your bike mods include A) Race pipe with baffle removed B) 2 or more No Fear/Raiders stickers C) Fender-eliminator kits D) Tinted wind-screens E) Neon-lights F) Anything from Lockhart-Phillips/JC Whitney G) Suspension Your riding experience consists of: A) None, this is your first bike B) <1 yr my previous bike was a Rebel 250 C) >1 yr & previous bike was a clapped-out KZ1000 D) 5 yrs or more When approaching a corner at a high rate of speed, do you A) slam on the rear-brake, slide her out & high-side into oblivion, then claim a concussion. B) slam on the brakes, stand her up, run off the road, crash, then blame it on oil, gravel, sand, etc C) slam on the brakes, stand her up, run wide, barely make the turn, then do it all over again at the next corner 'cause datz racing' D) don't use the brakes, go straight off the road, crash, then tell your buds you low-sided cause there weren't no more traction. E) Look at the apex/exit, slow to a controlled entry speed, lean the bike, throttle back at the apex. Your definition of an apex is: A) "They make all dat crazy shit for them import cars." B) A custom set of handlebars that enable better wheelies/stoppies C) Some sort of marsupial D) Phat slang for buffed pectorals E) The point in a radius where the entrance of a turn ends and the exit begins. The best way to stay cool when riding is A) slam Schlitz Malt Liquor 16 ouncers 'cause to ride fast u gotta be loose' B) remove articles of clothing (if you have any extra to remove). C) GO FASTER BIOTCH! D) Ride in the middle of the night E) Wear a Cool-Max shirt under your leathers You go to local races because: A) it's fun to rip on those pussy racers; can't anyone do some wheelies or stoppies? B) You can learn new riding techniques when aggressively overtaking mini-vans at 100+ C) You have your friends take pictures of you at the track; then tell everyone you race & hold the track record. D) Get cheap take offs then claim you wore the tires down like that. Act pissed when the tires always seem greasy on the street. E) It's fun to support local racing clubs Scoring: Give yourself: 10 points for each A 8 points for each B 6 points for each C 4 points for each D 2 points for each E 0 points for each F/G (where applicable). 130 points: You are at the top of the squid hierarchy & as such, are a danger to yourself & others. You are not even on the periphery of the manufacturer's intended customers. Do yourself a favor & run, don't walk out of our dealership. Stay away from anything requiring intelligence, skill, and common sense. Alternatively, run for public office or move to Hollywood. You are denied motorcycling privileges 104-130 points: You are a total & complete squid. Your immensely poor taste, lack of intelligence, & inability to do anything other than wheelies/stopies, makes it highly unlikely that you will ever be able to ride a motorcycle. Your motorcycling experience will thus be restricted to used Honda Gyro scooters. 78-130 points: You are deep within squidly territory. Redeeming yourself will be a long & difficult road. The fact that you have let yourself sink to this level is not encouraging. With the purchase of some proper protective gear & some MSF classes, you will be limited to salvage Ninja 250's. 52-78 points: It's time for a serious heart-to-heart intervention here. You are on the cliff staring into a deep abyss of the motorcycle-challenged. Unless you step back into the light, you will at best achieve mediocrity in the world of motorcycling leading to many unforeseen failures later in life. Cut that mullet, drop your crew, toss that Lockhart-Phillips catalogue, wear pants when you ride & you may well be on the road to recovery. Your qualifications limit you to FJ600's. 26-52 points: By far, you seem to have things under control. A few answers have raised red-flags however. This can be remedied by subscribing to Speedvision & staying away from anything related to Friend's or Will & Grace. Your motorcycle purchase is limited only by one bike; the keys to the GSXR1000 fall just out of reach. <=26 points: You rock dude. If you're not already tearing up local racetracks; you should be. You may ride any bike with one caveat; you must try to knock some sense into all the other squids running-rampant on America 's highways, defecating on this great sport of ours.
