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"THE FOUR STAGES OF FINDING A MATE"
![]() My wife and I have just completed four years in the institution of marriage, but no one's offering us a degree, not even a diploma. I might get in trouble for saying this, but I'm not sure which is harder: Four years of marriage or four years of college. At least in college, if you fail a test, you don't have to sleep with the dog.
But don't get me wrong. I'm happy to have settled down, happy to have someone I can count on for love, affection, and, whenever needed, a wag of the tail. (My wife isn't bad either.)
Best of all, I can smile whenever I see a single person searching for a mate, knowing that I survived that stage of my life. There are actually four stages -- and I almost went through all of them.
CAREFREE STAGE: This stage occurs in your late teens and early twenties, usually in college or graduate school. There
are so many attractive people around, you can't decide which ones to stare at. Playing "hard to get" seems like a good strategy, even if no one is trying to get you. Everyone seems available, and if they're not, just wait a minute or two.
HOPEFUL STAGE: This stage occurs in your mid to late twenties. You're hoping to run into Mr. or Miss. Right at your workplace, but in case that doesn't happen, you're keeping your eyes open at the local bar. There are so many attractive people there, especially late at night, after your fourth beer.
If you're a woman, you're enjoying loads of attention. One guy buys you a drink, while another charms you with a clever pick-up line: "Hey sweetheart, wanna have my children?"
If you're a man, you're trying your best to make a connection with the hot waitress in the skimpy outfit. She might be your soul mate, for all you know, so what if she has a tattoo on her backside that says, "Tyrone was
here."
CONCERNED STAGE: You're starting to get worried, wondering if the person you were meant to be with, the person whom fate intended for you, lives in a grass hut in Burundi. For the first time in your life, you're considering joining the Peace Corps.
Depending on your background and culture, you find yourself reading matrimonial ads, personal ads, or bathroom ads. "If you want to feel good all over, call Phil," one ad reads, and you wonder if Phil is a doctor.
You even start to go on blind dates. As soon as you see the person your friends have set you up with, you close your eyes and pretend to be blind.
DESPERATE STAGE: You don't want to seem desperate, but the idea of an arranged marriage is beginning to grow on you, as is your Internet pal from India.
If you're a woman, you're relieved that there are still a few good catches in your age group, never mind that they all
live in Alaska. You wonder if it's better to be "single and warm" or "married and frozen."
You convince yourself that you're not lowering your standards -- you're just focusing on the positive aspects of men you meet. "He doesn't have a job," you say, "but he does have most of his teeth."
If you're a man, you've started saving money for marriage expenses, though you haven't quite decided on a bride. They all look beautiful, especially the ones on the front of the catalog. Your search for a mate comes down to two important decisions: (1) Russian or Filipino; and (2) Regular or Express Mail.
_______________ (c) Copyright 2004 Melvin Durai. All Rights Reserved. http://MelvinDurai.com LINK TO MELVIN: If you enjoy this column, please add a link to http://MelvinDurai.com on your personal or professional website. Your favorite humorist will appreciate it. And so will Melvin. |
