GOA TODAY:
Tongue-in-Cheek by Cecil Pinto Reality TV - Surviving Panjim: Welcome all you contestants to the mother of all Reality TV shows. It's great to see you fine young men and women who have progressed through the eliminating rounds. One of you is going to be the winner of a million rupees. I know that won't even get you a double bedroom flat in St. Inez but what can we do. All the houses on the coastal belt have already been sold to foreigners and those in the suburbs to non-Goans. In our first round all contestants have to enter Panjim from either Porvorim, Ribandar, Merces, St. Cruz or Dona Paula without wearing a helmet. Those who can convince the cops that they are not on a National Highway and within city limits then proceed to the next round. Be warned that crossing by the ferry from Betim will disqualify you from further competition. Also the arrogant use of the Konkani phrase "Do you know who I am?" is not allowed. Nor is dialing Aires Rodrigues from your mobile. Round Two will separate the men and women from the mice. Here you have to navigate a four wheeler from Miramar Circle to the Kadamba Busstop, via the remains of DB Road and the Secretariat, without once cursing the Government or the IFFI. In-car cameras will monitor your every action. Switch from lane to lane with nothing to guide you but the car ahead, avoid being crushed by huge cranes and shovels that pass within inches of your window, figure out why gigantic speedbreakers are referred to as 'Bump ahead' and try not to look at the digging and building and cementing going on all around you - like you're in an obstacle race at a huge construction site. Bonus points will be given if you can smile all the way through - and if your car suspension survives. Those who manage this round will then be asked to do the same route at night when the route is changed without any warning, or police personnel, to show you the night route. As you miss being mowed down by an out-of-state trucker, who is equally bewildered by this change from night to day, you cannot curse or finally decide you're migrating to Canada. The next round is comparatively simple. Find a parking space for your car on 18th June Road between 11 am and 1 pm. As you circle round AB Road and MG road you will be timed and your petrol consumption calculated. If you get stuck in a slow moving side stream, because some uncivil jerk has stopped his car for a few minutes waiting for his nitwit self-important boss to pop in and pop out of some office, that isn't really our problem. In the next round we test your cuisine skills. Try and find a restaurant in Panjim that serves only Goan Food - Hindu or Catholic style. Ok forget that. Impossible. Just find a restaurant that is not Multi Cuisine. If the ubiquitous 'mix-friend rice' does not feature on the menu we consider that adequate. Following that try and locate a non-Udipi veg restaurant. Just find a simple Goan veg restaurant where one can have a ussal-bhaji-panv and some mirchi. For the show producers' insurance criteria naturally the restaurant you find has to be absolutely clean and have no jaundice connections - past or present. Aha! Now that's a tough round. Please feel free to drop out now because there's even tougher rounds to come. A huge tent has been set up at the SAG Grounds in Campal. All you contestants will have to spend one whole night there in only your undergarments. The tent is designed to protect you from the elements but will not protect you from mosquitoes. Next morning you will be taken to GMC for a check up and only those showing no trace of malaria will be allowed into the next round. Rest assured the only way to survive this round is to keep awake all night and make sure that you can swat and kill every mosquito that settles on your skin. To keep our viewers entertained you will be broken up into groups of four with two males and two females sharing one tent. Slapping a tent-mate could help him or her into the next round, but it may also have other repercussions. Enjoy! Next we go to the still remaining part of the old Panjim market. The objective is to pick up 2 items each of exactly Rs. 65/-, Rs. 99/- and Rs. 20/- respectively without stepping into any shop which has these prices boldly mentioned at the entrance. As you maneuver your way through the crowded passages and get pummeled by purchasers, vendors and merchandise you are not allowed to go to the spacious New Market under any circumstances. Easy? There's one more caveat. None of the items you purchase can be Chinese. All have to be 'Made in India" with a proper MRP clearly printed. The top eight contestants from all these preliminary rounds will then move to our Super Duper "Search & Find" Round of Surviving Panjim. Just a hint of some of the missions you will be sent on. Search & Find: - An entire building block in Central Panjim that does not have a permanent garment SALE on at the ground floor since the last two years. - Males sitting in pairs on public benches who are NOT gay - Two gaddos in a row that do NOT accept matka bets - One new building that has enough parking space for all its occupants - Two connected roads of which one is not planned to be unnecessarily and controversially renamed. - One hundred meter stretch of road that has been dug up less than three times in the last year. - A Goan beggar And stay tuned for our Grand New Reality TV Show next month, "Surviving Calangute"! ----- The column above appeared in the November 2004 issue of Goa Today magazine. ==== ===== Gulf-Goans e-Newsletter since 1994 is moderated by [EMAIL PROTECTED], Associate goa-world.com & presented by Ulysses Menezes, Owner goa-world.com website. 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