by
Shahina Siddiqui
Faith:
The
most basic and essential attribute of a Muslim marriage is the common faith
that binds the couple.
Since
Islam is a way of life and not just a religion confined to weekly worship it
becomes an integral part of a Muslim's life. The frame of reference shared by
the couple eases communication and sharing of values which is not possible in
an interfaith marriage. It is highly recommended that faith play an important
role in the developing a loving relationship.
For
example, as the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said, that
when a husband feeds his wife, he gets a reward for this act and Allah
increases the bond of love between them. So when we love each other for the
sake of Allah WE ACTUALLY INCREASE OUR FAITH.
Forgiving:
When the Prophet Muhammad asked his Companions �do you wish that Allah should
forgive you' they said, of course O Prophet of Allah. He responded, �then
forgive each other'.
One
of the main components of a happy marriage is that the spouses are able to
forgive, that they do not hold grudges or act judgmental towards each other.
It is expected that when we live with someone, situations may arise when we
end up saying or doing things that hurt our spouses. The challenge is not to
dwell on it or lay blame but to move past it. This can only happen if we
are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are not stingy to forgive.
If
we expect Allah to forgive us than we must learn to forgive.
Forget:
When we constantly remind our spouses of all the times they let us down or
hurt us we have not truly forgiven. Things that happened in the past must be
left there and not be used as fresh ammunition in new situations. Couples who
use this technique usually fall in a rut and become victims of their own
pettiness, unable to break free.
Forbearance:
Sabr (patience) is the most useful tool to have in managing a healthy
lifestyle. Being patient and forbearing puts us in a proactive frame of mind
it brings us closer to Allah through Tawakul and reliance .We develop an inner
mechanism that empowers us to handle life's difficult moments. As Allah states
in Surah al-Asr: "Surely by time humans are at loss, except those who believe
and do righteous deeds and counsel each other to the truth and counsel
each other to Sabr' (Quran, chapter 103).
Flexible:
Many
couples unnecessarily make themselves miserable because they are unwilling to
bend a little.
We
should not expect our spouses to be our extensions. They are their own selves
with personalities, likes and dislikes. We must respect their right to be them
selves as long as it does not compromise their Deen (religion). Being
inflexible and not accommodating for individual differences leads to a very
stressful and tense home atmosphere.
Friendship:
This aspect of marriage has three components.
First
is to develop a friendship with our spouses.The relationship based on
friendship is more able to withstand outside pressures.
We
honor, trust, respect, accept and care for our friends, in spite of our
differences. These are the aspects of friendship we should bring to our
marriages.
Unfortunately
the only aspect that people think of bringing to their marriage which is
highly inappropriate is the buddy scenario. Shariah (Islamic law) has placed
the husband in a leadership role within a family. This requires a certain
decorum, which cannot be maintained if the spouses consider each other as
pals.
This
should not be taken to mean that husband is a dictator but a shepherd who is
responsible for and to his flock. This is a position of grave responsibility
and places an enormous burden on the husband. Further more the children need
to see their parents as friends but not as pals as this encourages disrespect.
Friendly:
Second
aspect of friendship is to have friendly relations with in-laws. When couples
compete as to whose parents are more important it becomes a constant source of
grief. Much valuable time is wasted trying to convince, one another of whose
parents are most desirable. It is better if we accept, that our spouses
will not overnight fall in love with our parents just because we want them to.
As long as they maintain friendly relations that are cordial and based on
mutual respect we should not force the issue.
Friends:
The
third aspect of friendship is our circle of friends. It is okay to have
individual friends of the same gender but couples must also make effort to
have family friends so that they can socialize together. If there is friction
being caused by a certain friendship it must not be pursued at the expense of
the marriage. Prophet Muhammad advised us to choose God fearing people as
friends since we tend to follow their way. Friends should be a source of joy
and not mischief.
Fun:
Couples that do not laugh together have to work on sharing some fun times. The
Prophet was known to play with his wives. A simple walk in the park can add
much spark to the relationship. Taking up a sport together or watching clean
funny movies is another way of sharing a laugh.
Faithful:
It
is commanded by Allah that we be faithful to our spouses. Adultery is a
capital crime in Islam that is punishable by death. However there are various
forms of unfaithful behavior prevalent among some
Muslims.
The
most common form is maintaining friendships with the opposite sex over the
boundaries set by Islam, and the misgivings of the spouse. The latest trend of
Internet relationships is also contrary to Islamic Adab (etiquette) and is
causing serious problems between couples. Once a sense of betrayal sets in,
repairing that relationship is difficult. Another form of not being faithful
is when couples betray confidences. This is a trust issue and one when
compromised eats away at the heart of a marriage.
Fair:
Usually when we are angry or displeased the tendency is to not play fair. We
try to convince ourselves that since we have been wronged it is okay to be
unjust in our behavior and our statements. Allah states in the Quran do not be
unjust under any circumstances, even if they be your enemy, and here we are
talking about our life partners and the parent of our children. To use words
such as "never" and "always" when describing the behavior of the partner is
unfair and puts the other on the defensive.
Finance:
One of the most common points of contention in marriages is money. Experts
tell us that 80 percent of marital conflicts are about money.
It
is therefore highly recommended that the couple put serious time and effort in
developing a financial management plan that is mutually agreeable and is
reviewed every six months or so. Preparing a budget together is also a helpful
and wise way to handling household finances. It should be remembered that the
wife's money in Islam is hers to do with as she pleases and therefore should
not be considered family income unless she chooses to contribute it to the
family
Family:
Parenting can be a stressful experience if the parents are not well informed.
This in turn can put extra pressure on the marriage.
Sometimes
couples are naive about the changes that come in the lifestyle. This can cause
in some cases depression and in some resentment and misunderstandings. One
golden rule that must always be the guide is; that family comes first.
Whenever
there is evidence that the family is not happy or not our first priority it is
time to assemble at the kitchen table and discuss with open hearts and mind.
Couples who have elderly parents have an added responsibility to take care of
them. This can also be very stressful if the couple is not prepared.
A
care plan must be worked out with respective siblings and parents as to who
will be the primary care giver and what type of support network they will
have. In case of mental incompetence a power of attorney must be in place. The
making of a will is most essential .
Feelings:
Prophet Muhammad stated that Allah forgives all sins if we repent but not
those we have committed against others i.e. hurt their feelings unless the
person we have hurt forgives first.
Couples
are sometimes very careless when it comes to their spouse's feelings, they
take them for granted and assume that the other knows what they mean. It
is surprising that people are more sensitive and courteous to strangers than
they are to their loved ones. One must be ever vigilant and careful that they
do not hurt the feelings of their spouses and if they invariably do,
they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one does not know when
someone they love will leave this world, is it not better to make amends when
we have the time?
Freedom:
Marriage
in Islam is a partnership and not bondage or slavery. To consider the wife
one's property is alien to Islamic concept of husband and wife role. The team
spirit is enhanced and not curtailed when members of the team are free to be
themselves. Freedom in the common western since is to be free to do as one
pleases or to be selfish. On the contrary, to allow freedom to one's
spouse is to be considerate of their needs and to recognize their limitations.
Flirtation:
A
sure way to keep romance in marriage is to flirt with your spouse. Many
successful marriages have maintained a youthful demeanor in their marriages by
adopting special names for each other and secret communication styles.
Frank:
Misunderstandings happen when couples are not honest with each other. Marital
relationship is where the partners must feel safe to speak their mind with due
consideration to the other's feeling, without compromising their own views.
When the communication is not frank it hinders in the development
of closeness and deep understanding of each other's inner self.
Facilitator:
When choosing our life partner, we must, as the Prophet advised, look for a
pious Muslim. The reason is that their first and foremost goal is the pleasure
of Allah. This commitment to Allah makes them an excellent facilitator
for enhancing their partner's spiritual development. In essence,
the couple facilitates their family's commitment to Allah and His Deen.
Flattering:
Paying
compliments and indulging in honest flattery is a very inexpensive
way to win your spouse's heart. Everyone likes to be appreciated and
noticed. So being stingy about compliments is actually depriving oneself
of being appreciated in return.
Fulfilling: To
be all one can be to one's spouse is a very fulfilling and rewarding
experience. To be in love means to give one's all. The heart does
not put conditions or make stipulations. It gives without expecting anything
in return, but such selfless giving is always rewarded tenfold.
Fallible: It
often happens that our expectations sometimes are so high that we lose focus
of the fact that we are fallible beings. When couples start to nitpick and
demand the impossible they must remind themselves that only Allah is perfect.
Fondness:
So many times couples fail to work on developing fondness for each other by
[failing] to see their spouses as people through the eyes of their respective
friends. Spending quality time alone doing and sharing activities are ways in
which one can develop fondness.
Future:
Smart
couples plan for their future together. They work on their financial and
retirement plans, make wills and discuss these plans with their children. This
provides peace of mind and secures the relationship.
