I figured out a hacky intermediate solution shoftly after I wrote this
email, but never followed up.

Install Nix and the Nix service.  Now I can hackily get a newer Node! ;)

Christopher Lemmer Webber writes:

> Our Node is out of date, but this may be fine security-wise and
> package-needs wise for the moment; see also:
>
>   https://issues.guix.gnu.org/issue/34526
>
> Unfortunately updating it seems difficult for the reasons described in
> that package (the Node community introduced more classic bootstrapping
> problems).  Unfortunately I have a pressing project which requires a
> more recent version of Node; I'm trying to figure out how I can get a
> newer version that runs using Guix.  If it does something hacky, I'm ok
> with it for now.
>
> I know some other people here use Guix as the distro on which they do
> Node development; maybe someone already has a hacky package that can't
> quite make it into mainline yet?  I'd love the recipe if you do.
>
>  - Chris

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