My family wasnt your average Catholic family as parents spent most of
their time doing many drugs. I remember always being drawn to God as a
child although my parents would not take me to church. Things got
progressively worse with religion in our house once my mom left me at
the age of eight. I felt that if God couldnt make my mom love me then
I could never worship Him. So eventually we were only going to Mass on
Easter and possibly Easter. We were the average American Christians.
I spent the next 17 years pushing God out of my heart until I finally
succeeded. I was not living the way that God had intended that I live
and I was paying the price as well. My constant misery and emptiness
just wouldnt go away no matter what artificial pleasure I tried to
fill the hole with. Everything that I did seemed so hard and hallow
and it was.
Finally at the age of almost 25 years old I felt that old spark inside
me that I thought I had extinguished long ago and it couldnt have come
at a more perfect time in my life. I was living in sin and I knew it
and yet I was wondering why I was so unhappy all of the time. I felt
unexplicably drawn to God so I read the Bible and the Kuran and
researching Islam simply for information although becoming Muslim was
the furthest thought in my mind. As an average American I thought
Islam seemed too hard. I wanted an easy path although I know now that
is impossible. I went to church a couple of times with my father but I
felt so out of place. How could this be? This was the place that I
always longed to be as a child and now I didnt belong. I was so
confused but the voice telling me to keep looking wouldnt go away so I
continued my search.
I was walking out of work one day and all I could think of was how
much I yearned to know what my path was. I was getting impatient so I
decided to do what I never dopray. I told God that there were several
paths that all claimed to lead to him and would he give me a
unmistakable sign to show me what path I should follow. As I looked up
from my reveire in the parking lot I saw a covered Muslim woman right
in front of me, could this be the sign I was asking for? I approached
her and we talked for several minutes. I felt so at ease around her.
She kept telling me that I need to stop by the Mosque on the way home
but I kept offering a thousand excuses such as I need to be sure that
Im ready to go and that I want to read the whole Kuran first but she
kept insisting.
On my ride home I drove by the Mosque and before I knew what I was
doing my car was parked outside of it and I was walking up to the door
and shaking like a leaf. I just kept asking myself what I was doing
there? I slowly walked up the steps inside and low and behold the only
woman there at the time had the same name as me and was also raised
Catholic. I was filled the sense that I had finally come home! I
stated my shahada then and there and ever since I have felt that I am
never alone. Allah is right here guiding me. I am so blessed!
When life seems to be meaningless we often pray for a sign of what we
should do to make things as beautiful as they seemed to us as
children. When the signs appear and you know them for what they are
you feel like you suddenly have purpose and youre not alone! Allah
guides whom He will. When he chooses you the impossible becomes
possible. To let go and live to serve Allah brings peace and love into
your heart. Allah has given me the strength that I needed to get rid
of all that was wrong in my life. I hope that others might read my
story and perhaps recognize the signs that have manifested in their
lives inshalla. I finally started living when I learned to let go.
Allah-hu Akbar!
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