10 Ways To Marry The Wrong Person
With the divorce rate over 50 percent, too many are apparently making a
serious mistake in deciding who to spend the rest of their life with.
To avoid becoming a "statistic," try to internalize these 10 insights.
#1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after
you're married.
The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you
can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get
married.
As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect
people to change after they're married... for the worst!"
So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal
hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can
live with these as they are now.
#2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than
on character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning.
Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in
lust."
Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this
person'scharacter? Here are four character traits to definitely check for:
Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more
important than personal comfort?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How
does s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to?Responsibility: Can I
depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's
going to do?
Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he
emotionally stable?
Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a
child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or
her?
#3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a
woman needs most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it
is the man who just doesn't "get it." Jewish tradition places the onus on
the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them.
The unique need of a woman is to be loved -- to feel that she is the
most important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her
consistent, quality attention.
#4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life
goal and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with another person:
1. Chemistry and compatibility.
2. Share common interests.
3. Share common life goal.
Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life
goals provide.
After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart.
To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're "living for,"
while you're single -- and then find someone who has come to the same
conclusion as you.This is the true definition of a "soul mate." A soul mate
is a goal mate -- two people who ultimately share the priorities, values
and goals.
#5. You choose the wrong person because you get involved sexually too
quickly.
Sexual involvement before the commitment of marriage can be a big
problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important
issues.
Sexual involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is not
inclined to make good decisions.
It is not necessary to take a "test drive" in order to find out if a
couple is sexually compatible. If you do your homework and make sure
you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry
about sexual compatibility. Of all the studies done on divorce, sexual
incompatibility is never cited as a main reason why people divorce.
#6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper
emotional connection with this person.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask:
"Do I respect and admire this person?"
This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed
by a Mercedes.
We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be
impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc.
Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also means, "Is he/she
emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?
#7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you
don't feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and
relaxed with this person?
Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person?
Does this person make me feel good about myself?
Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way?
Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way!
"...Do I want to be more like this person?
Would I like my child to turn out like him or her? ..."
Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need
to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will
view it.
If you're afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there's
a problem with the relationship.
Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other person
is trying to control you.Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive
person.
Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you.
There's a big difference between "controlling" and "making
suggestions."
A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for
their benefit.
#8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for
discussion.
Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how
well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together.
Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You
need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your
differences and find compromises that work for both of you?
Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a
way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you
can't be vulnerable, then you can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.
#9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to
escape from personal problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married,
too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems.If
anything, marriage will exacerbate them.
If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility
to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better, and your future
spouse will thank you.
#10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle.
To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone
or something else while trying to develop another relationship.
A person who hasn't separated from his or her parents is the classic
example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things
as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money. Be
careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught
in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you.
You will not be their number one priority. And that's no basis for a
marriage.
With the divorce rate over 50 percent, too many are apparently making a
serious mistake in deciding who to spend the rest of their life with.
To avoid becoming a "statistic," try to internalize these 10 insights.
#1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after
you're married.
The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you
can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get
married.
As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect
people to change after they're married... for the worst!"
So when it comes to the other person's spirituality, character, personal
hygiene, communication skills, and personal habits, make sure you can
live with these as they are now.
#2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than
on character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning.
Beware of the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in
lust."
Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this
person'scharacter? Here are four character traits to definitely check for:
Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more
important than personal comfort?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How
does s/he treat people s/he doesn't have to be nice to?Responsibility: Can I
depend on this person to do what s/he says s/he's
going to do?
Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does s/he enjoy life? Is s/he
emotionally stable?
Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a
child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or
her?
#3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a
woman needs most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it
is the man who just doesn't "get it." Jewish tradition places the onus on
the man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them.
The unique need of a woman is to be loved -- to feel that she is the
most important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her
consistent, quality attention.
#4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share a common life
goal and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with another person:
1. Chemistry and compatibility.
2. Share common interests.
3. Share common life goal.
Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life
goals provide.
After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow apart.
To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're "living for,"
while you're single -- and then find someone who has come to the same
conclusion as you.This is the true definition of a "soul mate." A soul mate
is a goal mate -- two people who ultimately share the priorities, values
and goals.
#5. You choose the wrong person because you get involved sexually too
quickly.
Sexual involvement before the commitment of marriage can be a big
problem because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important
issues.
Sexual involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is not
inclined to make good decisions.
It is not necessary to take a "test drive" in order to find out if a
couple is sexually compatible. If you do your homework and make sure
you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have to worry
about sexual compatibility. Of all the studies done on divorce, sexual
incompatibility is never cited as a main reason why people divorce.
#6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper
emotional connection with this person.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask:
"Do I respect and admire this person?"
This does not mean, "Am I impressed by this person?" We are impressed
by a Mercedes.
We do not respect someone because they own a Mercedes. You should be
impressed by qualities of creativity, loyalty, determination, etc.
Also ask: "Do I trust this person?" This also means, "Is he/she
emotionally stable? Do I feel I can rely on him/her?
#7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you
don't feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions: Do I feel calm, peaceful and
relaxed with this person?
Can I fully be myself and express myself with this person?
Does this person make me feel good about myself?
Do you have a really close friend who does make you feel this way?
Make sure the person you marry makes you feel the same way!
"...Do I want to be more like this person?
Would I like my child to turn out like him or her? ..."
Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need
to monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will
view it.
If you're afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly, there's
a problem with the relationship.
Another aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other person
is trying to control you.Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive
person.
Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you.
There's a big difference between "controlling" and "making
suggestions."
A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for
their benefit.
#8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for
discussion.
Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate how
well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together.
Over the course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You
need to know now, before making a commitment: Can you resolve your
differences and find compromises that work for both of you?
Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also a
way for you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you
can't be vulnerable, then you can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.
#9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to
escape from personal problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married,
too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems.If
anything, marriage will exacerbate them.
If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility
to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better, and your future
spouse will thank you.
#10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in a triangle.
To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone
or something else while trying to develop another relationship.
A person who hasn't separated from his or her parents is the classic
example of triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things
as well, such as work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money. Be
careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person caught
in the triangle cannot be fully emotionally available to you.
You will not be their number one priority. And that's no basis for a
marriage.
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