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Memo to Employees
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for
department areas,
we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan,
older employees will be asked to take early retirement,
thus permitting
the retention of younger people who represent our future.
Therefore, a
program to phase out older personnel by the end of the
current fiscal
year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged
Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to
look for jobs
outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment
records
before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of
the program
is called SCREW.
SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees
who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with
upper
management.
This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority
Following
Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be
SLAPPED once,
SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the
company deems
appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be
entitled to
get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early
Severance) or
CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any
employee who has
received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or
SCREWED by the
company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who
remain on board
that the company will continue its policy of training
employees through our:
Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in
the
amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our
employees
more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee
feels
they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your
immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you
receive
all the SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with
us.
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Title: Message
