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Two old ladies were outside their
nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the
ladies pulled out a condom, cut
off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued
smoking.
Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get
wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local
drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of
condoms.
The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all,
over 80
years of age), but politely asks
what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a
Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.
*********************************************************************************
Essex Girls 1
An Essex girl is crossing the road, when she gets hit by
an XR3i. As
she is lying on the ground, the driver, Dave, rushes out
of
the car to see if she is all
right.
"I'm so sorry luv! I just didn't see ya. Are ya OK?" he
blurts out.
"Everyfink is justa blur, I can't see a fing" she says,
tearfully.
Concerned, the man leans over the woman to test her
eyesight.
He asks, "How many fingers have I got up?"
"Ah f**kin 'ell NO!" she screams. "Don't tell me I'm
paralyzed from the waist down an
all!!!"
2
Two Essex girls walk up to a perfume counter and pick up a
sample
bottle, Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it,
"That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace?"
"Yeah, what's it called?"
"Viens a moi"
"VIENS A MOI, what the f**k does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help.
"Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'come to me'"
Sharon takes another sniff
"That doesn't smell like come to me".
3
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex
girl
notices something strange about the wellies that the Irish
guy's wearing.
She says to him "Scuse me mate, I ain't bein fannny or
naffink, but why
doz one of your wellies ave an L on it, and the uva one's
got
an R on it?"
So, the Irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of Guinness
and replies,
"Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R
is
for me roight foot
and the one with the L is for me left foot."
"Cor, blimey!" exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT'S why me
knickers 'ave got C&A on
them."
****************************************************************************
A man is driving along a highway a rabbit jumps
out in front of him
across the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit also jumps in the same direction right in front of the car. Much to his dismay, the rabbit
dies.
He feels so awful that he breaks down and begins to cry. Just then a beautiful blonde woman
driving by sees him crying
by the side of the road and pulls
over.
She steps out of the car and asks the
man what's wrong?
He tells her the unfortunate story explaining, "I feel terrible! I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed
it."
The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a
spray can. She walks over to the limp,
dead rabbit, bends down and sprays the
rabbit with it.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off the road and into the woods. Totally astonished, the man rushes over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman hands him the can and he reads the label... It says..... THE END ==^================================================================ This email was sent to: [email protected] EASY UNSUBSCRIBE click here: http://topica.com/u/?bUrHhl.bVKZIr Or send an email to: [EMAIL PROTECTED] T O P I C A -- Register now to manage your mail! http://www.topica.com/partner/tag02/register ==^================================================================ |
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