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Jokes of the day
A guy is strolling down the street in London when he comes across an old
lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. The genie
offers to grant him one wish. The guy says, "I've always wanted to
be lucky." The genie grants his wish. Off the bloke strolls, wondering
how this will change his life, when he spies 10 quid on the footpath.
Not a bad start, he thinks. As he picks up the money, he notices a betting
shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists,
and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He puts
the 10 quid on the nose, and what do you know, the horse bolts in. Feeling
on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at
the roulette table, and puts the whole 1,010 quid on "lucky seven."
Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" It lands lucky
seven. Now he's really flying ... what better way to celebrate than to
head to the local brothel for some horizontal folk dancing? He knocks
and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed
a glass of champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm around
him and says, "Welcome, sir! We have much pleasure in informing you
that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to
enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely
free of charge!" The bloke says that he's always fancied making it
with an Indian girl. So he is ushered into one of the rooms. In strolls
the most gorgeous subcontinental woman he has ever seen. Not much time
passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp.
101 to 532) is being well and truly tested. At one point, the guy pauses
and says to the girl, "You are one of the most beautiful women I've
ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one
thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot
that you all have on your forehead." The Indian girl looks him in
the eye and says, "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your
every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste
mark." So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden,
he leans back and starts laughing his ass off. "What's wrong?"
asks the Indian girl. The bloke replies, "You're not going to believe
this, but I've just won a new car!" - Joke 2 - A Missourian dies
and is sent to hell. He had been a horrible man throughout life and even
the devil wanted to punish him, so he puts him to work breaking up rocks
with a sledgehammer. To make it worse he cranks up the temperature and
the humidity. "Love my kingdom!" laughs the devil. After a couple
of days the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately.
The devil is aghast as he looks at the Missourian happily swinging his
hammer and whistling a happy tune. The devil walks up to him and says,
"I don't understand this. I've turned the heat way up, it's humid,
you're crushing rocks; why are you so happy?" The Missourian, smiling
big, looks at the devil and replies, "This is great! It reminds me
of August in Missouri. Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me
of home. This is fantastic!" The devil, extremely perplexed, walks
away to ponder the Missourian's remarks. Then he decides to drop the temperature,
send down driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, hell is a wet, muddy
mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes,
the Missourian is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow
full of crushed rocks. Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such
conditions. The Missourian replies, "This is great! Just like April
in Missouri. It reminds me of working out in the fields with spring planting!"
The devil is now completely baffled. Angry, and desperate to make hell
really hell, he tries one last ditch effort. He makes the temperature
plummet. Suddenly hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this
will surely make the Missourian unhappy, the devil checks in on the him.
He is aghast at what he sees. The Missourian is dancing, singing, and
twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee. "How can you be
so happy? Don't you know it's 40 below zero!?" screams the devil.
Jumping up and down the Missourian throws a snowball at the devil and
yells, "Hell's frozen over!! This means the Chiefs won the Super
Bowl!!!" |
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