It was a heart filled with such joy, all the best sensations running
throughout my body. I had forgotten what it felt like, and i really
never had it feel quite so intense - it was like i was experiencing
life for the first time and I was sitting in the best seat on the
best ride at the State Fair. I wanted everyone to have these little,
electrical impulses running through their body, for when it is just
the right amount - the feeling is so delightful!! i had never quite
experienced so perfect a feeling before this day at least not when
awake, such a great feeling! the most exquisite, luxurious items
could not be any of consequence. I was experiencing - being in love,
that was it. I was reminded of the first time I tasted ice cream-home
made; the first time I on a swing at night (europe - carnival, music
throughout the streets, i was young left alone and there was a warm
breeze blowing), the very first time that I was kissed. That is
rather uncanny, aside from becoming a parent, I cannot recall a time
between my first kiss in Norwich and the day of the 'forthnight' that
I was so deleriously happy. If I dare to ever allow this heart to be
filled with so much love again, where I go to the city where trees
grow, it will by no means occur in the near future. I dare not think
in this manner, for I know I will be hurt once more, and the
resiliency is less each time I travel to various towns and cities.
Self preservation must set in!! My days are long, tears flow all too
easily, focusing is virtually non-existent. Life continues but for me
it is experience on the periphery, I do not participate. It is like
watching a movie where you are the star, but not the shining one.
No, the body feels heavy, listless, moving up and down is difficult.
But this too shall pass, and all will be fine. If the intent was
there but could not follow through, such things happen but it is more
likely that I foolishly wanted something so very much that I read
words from that vantage point.
I dare say evening before last, absolutely became certifiably
violent. Upon being needled by something that has all the features
of a human being, but it is only filled with farm food and bedding, a
bottle was thrown must say it did have some velocity behind it, for
the first time it hit the refrigerator door and rolled back toward me
upon throwing it again, but only after hearing some additional
hateful, self-fulfilling lies, stating "I don't know what is wrong
with her!" "I just went into the room to put some items away and she
begins to verbally accost me!" At which point I would have thrown a
no-hitter had I been pitching that evening (see - humor returns).
Upon impact, the glass within the oven door frame shattered - both of
them. It was a bit of a mess! What was the root of such anger and
pain? 'heyman' returned from a day at work? or something!!! Upset,
hurt, motionless, the pale-face woman sitting on the sofa in darkness
working so hard at maintainingcontrol and not letting go. when this
nomad dared take a walk on the wild side, and attempts to negotiate
with something he believed was of interest to the fisherman's wife,
he was struck by the sheer anger that had possessed this woman. It
was not the silly attempt at dangling tara's sickly carrot before Red
that had lead to this megaphysical outburst, but she was possessed,
no! In his usual stealth-like, selfish, rude, pompous manner in
which he attempted to coax 'a female' 'any female' that this male
praying man tic, WCfield voice, approached Red and upon rejection the
cobra slithered back into its rightful 'hole.' Only to slowly return
in another attempt, with a cheshire like grin, sweet and lo attempts
to re-negotiate anew. Aah, never EVER underestimate the wrath of a
woman scorned,not once but twice!!!!!! The nomad in a haremstyle
mocked-vow had chiseled away all dignity from red hiding heart and
the first biological-warfare desert creature utilized to kill and
destroy its enemy, brings death to a most unsuspecting village idiot.
ZEE chapeau goes off to both of you !!Salud! This unlike human being
that is currently taking up space in MY home, has lost a few battles
and shall continue to lose, for if he dare approach me again, the
anger will rise again and again. I do not feel that there is an end
to the ebb of anger that is within me. He had better sleep with all
doors locked and one eye open, for I care not to startle him so that
he may just
As years pass and the awareness of love, friendship, and all decency
has evaporated, the fear of letting yourself fall is so great that
not even china's great wonder of this world nears the depth with wich
each thick brick has been constructed and placed. It is the only
device to protect myself - the instinct for survival. But for every
seat there is the proverbial
and it happened, but it happened to ME. How did I allow anyone to
pass by? Where was the guard? How smooth can one be? or better still,
how foolish another can be. vulnerability is how this happened.
Naively, I wanted to believe, to see something that was not there,
and if I was incorrect, Ibelieved that a decent and kind person would
have stated as much "you are misunderstanding the intention. You are
confusing friendship and love, etc." I never grew up!!! That's all.
Going by myself to a place I had never been, uncertain as to how I
would find it, and by no means was I going to be late, way too
important. The determination in demonstrating how much love and will
love overrode all logic. this would throw my work schedule into
pandemoniom. The absolute possibility and in all likelihood
probability of not being prepared with paperwork in hand for a god
damn Annual Review will make it necessary to pull an all nighter. I
will not have a minimum of two reports prepared tomorrow - let alone
having provided them to my administrators. This in time of excessing
tenured faculty. Dear God what the hell is wrong with me!!! Because
like the Village Idiot or a teenager in love, I believed standing on
a street corner had greater relevance in my life. So I took delight
in observing tree branches swaying by the wind, i was also provided
with a brief rain shower. It was a little chilly but nothing
mattered, I was determined... only to dine
well so it goes!!! feeling too much pain that I probably was in shock
the first two days. Really, I don't think I couldstand the feel of
the knife inside of my heart. And continue to feel, I cannot
understand any of this. The fact that I even have placed myself in
such a vulnerable situation not once but twice mind you. Needless to
say I have lost even more time in completing reports, as I have spent
a good deal of time trying to locate a paragraph, a sentence,
anything that will provide an answer as to "why?" I have not found
it. It is early Thursday morning, and I must stay up all night in the
hope that I will complete what is expected to be handed out at the
meetings tomorrow, but I cannot understand how or why I lost 5 1/2 to
6 hours of time so that I may wait on a street corner in a place that
is not familiar to me - I must be going out of my mind! Better stated
have lost my mind. Which village idiot wrote "tis better to have
loved and lost'" "then neverr to have loved at'll." At least quixote
was fighting the windmills, he took his ax and off with the arms to
have a beautiful (it is in the eye of the beholder), virgin (hm! uhm!)
waiting for him. He saw and understood things that very few others
could or willed to understand - when there is love, you need not have
too much else.
To be late, fine it happens. can't make it - not fine but it
happens. The person learning of the disappointment is unhappy and
the person who is unable to make the appt. feels guilty - i believe
that is the case. Correct?
But don't we need to let others know - if we can't make it?! Why?
WHY?? DAMN YOU WHY???? as I recall there were some attempts to
communicate with the WHIP party. oh yes, of course that was the
person who was being WHIPPED - waiting, waiting, and more waiting!
Lost some weight that day, walked around a bit. Nice area!! If I
could have swallowed the morsels of food that had been ordered and
not have stuck in my throat, the crtic might have actually
stated "you know it is surprisingly tasty!" And some additional
color for RED, I believe the proprietors may have felt sorry for the
person sitting alone in the corner, making every attempt at not
having anyone observe the tears running down her face onto the plate
of food. they provided free brew. One pint was all that I could
handle and then the lovely dining event concluded. a carriage was
called upon by the "kindness of strangers."
I must have looked as though I had been hit by a locomotive, no it
was this tiny, little, creature that destroyed ......
Not a bad dai eh mate!!
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