Joke 1
Filling in for St. Peter
A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gate he was asked by the gatekeeper: Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?
Yes, the professor ansvered. When I was a young candidate at the hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against at team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off side. But the referee did not se it so, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.
Well, said the gatekeeper. That is a very minor sin. You may enter.
Thank you very much, Saint Peter, the professor ansvered.
I'm am not Saint Peter, said the gatekeeper. He is having his lunchbreak. I am Saint Lucas.
Joke 2 President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. Who goes there? inquired St. Peter.
It's me, Bill Clinton.
What bad things did you do on earth?
Clinton thought a bit and answered, Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury.
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it Hell. You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it eternity. And don't abandon all hope upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.
Joke 3 Each man gives a story
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?
So the first man replies: Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony.
That sounds like a pretty bad day to me, said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here.
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
Picture this, says the third man, I'm hiding inside a refrigerator...
