-------- Forwarded Message -------- > To: Header goes here > > Bill Bless You > Daniel Novotny, danny(at)mail(dot)muni(dot)cz > > I made a mistake. Again. My little heart aches. I humbly > bow in front of The System, which simply announces: > > The program performed an illegal operation and will be > terminated. > > Oh, such pain over an unfinished work. Oh, such sorrow. But > it has to be this way. Reconciled with the fate, I shuffle > through the muddy alleys to confession. Users, living in > muddy slums, see my robe of a novice and step out of my > way. "The servant of Lord Bill! Crashproofness to his > soul!" > > Only one old fellow stands alone in the corner. He frowns. > Maybe an Appler...? No..., the Inquisition burned all > Applers at the stake long ago. > > "I have sinned, Father Paul." > > "Your system crashed, son?" > > The Cathedral is marvelous: the clouds during the start, > the beautiful blue windows that you can open, close, > minimize, maximize... There are pictures of saints > maximized in the windows: Saint Jack, who died from hunger > humbly waiting for the start of Windows, Saint Tom, > fetching the page from http://www.microsoft.com/ until he > reached Ecstasy... > > "What is your advice, Father? How should I prevent the Blue > Death, plaguing me day and night?" > > "Repentance, prayers, Reinstallation!" > > "Holy Reinstallation? Again, Father? Spare this unworthy > son the worst!" > > "You know, son, what Bill has said: only Windows you may > have. Or do you want to resist the Holy Authority of Tech > Support?" > > "I would never dare such!" > > "Well, son. Play Solitaire for ten times and Minesweeper > for fifteen times, and your soul will be cleansed. No more > crashes!" > > I kiss the ring of the holy man and I am released to the > eternally muddy streets of the town. > > The next morning, my neighbor woke me. "Blue Death, lad! > Blue Death in my house? What have I done?" > > "I am a mere novice. Go to the Cathedral of Tech Support, > only through Bill can you achieve enlightenment." I gave > her the best advice I knew. > > "I heard some magical formulas against system crashes, from > the herbalist." > > "Which ones?" I became interested. > > The black magic -- editing of the Holy Registry --- was > forbidden by the Priests of Tech Support. > > "Ummm... if you run Paint three times, Notepad two times, > and Minesweeper once, and then recite 'Cables Disks > Trash... Windows Don't Crash', the Illegal Operations won't > appear." > > I wanted to tell her it's just an old wives' tale, but I > decided to say nothing. What if it were true? With the Holy > System, one never knows... > > Zdenek, a colleague novice, knocked at the door. "Heil > Bill. They eliminated another sect. Would you like to take > a look?" > > "Heil Bill. Okay, brother, we'll go." > > The mob, as always, stepped back when they saw our robes. > There were a lot of people there this time. I heard voices > from the crowd: "The Apocalypse! The DOS monster is > returning! The forces of the Command Line are coming back!" > > I didn't know what the Command Line was, but it had to be > something truly evil. When a colleague, Kamil, mentioned it > in the seminary, he got a whole month of the temple jail, > strict asceticism, and he was banned from playing computer > games. > > The muddy tents where the mob gathered were burned. Bill > gave, Bill took. The sectists paid for their heresy with > their lives. But then I caught a small glimpse of white > light in the ashes. A little piece of paper, with > "/usr/bin/perl" on it. I remembered the hieroglyphs, > crumbled the paper, and swallowed it. Some magic, for sure. > > The next day I go to confession. I had made mistakes, as > the Blue Death had visited me again. I walk through the > crowd towards the Temple. "Servant of Lord Bill, > crashproofness to his soul!" The frowning old man was more > friendly now. Still sad, but looking at me like he is > waiting for something. > > "/usr/bin/perl", I whisper to him. > > "So you too..." a smile blossomed over the old man's face. > The bailiffs appeared. I turned my attention back to the > old man, but he had vanished. > > "I made a mistake, Father." > > "You weren't running Internet Explorer, MP3 player, and ICQ > at the same time, were you, Billless sinner?" > > "No, Father. Regardless, the Blue Death visited me." > > "That's not all, son, is it?" The piercing eyes of the > priest found the uncertainity in my gaze. > > "I saw..." > > "WHAT, by Control Panels, WHAT?" > > "I saw... no..." > > "Confess to your shepherd, son." > > "That... that sect, yesterday." > > "They are the bytes and to the bytes they turned, son." > > "There was... a piece of paper... I didn't want to look at > it, really..." I was shivering all over. > > "What was on that paper? I adjure you with the > Installation, the Reinstallation, and the Backup..." > > "There was... /usr/bin/perl there." > > The eyes of Father Paul widened. "WHAT?" > > "/usr/bin/perl, Father..." > > The cell was cold and bare. The executioner with the cat o' > nine tails was prepared. The Bishop and Father Paul were > standing above me. "You never saw such a paper. Repeat > after me." > > "I never saw such a paper." > > "Hmmmm, it doesn't sound too convincing," the bishop > objected. "Nine lashes." > > Swish! "Windows Gracias." > Swish! "Windows Gracias." > Swish! "Windows Gracias." > Swish! "Windows Gracias." > Swish! "Windows Gracias." > Swish! "Windows Gracias." > Swish! "Windows Gracias." > Swish! "Windows Gracias." > Swish! "Windows Gracias." > > After the punishment I went home, fully cleansed now. But I > started to doubt. The permanent crashes? Does it have to be > this way? If Lord Bill is omnipotent, why are the sects > here? What did that secret cipher mean? Who was that old > man? > > "Searching, young man, searching? The DOS wisdom of the > Command Line is still here. Never dulled. Pure." > > "Go away, you old witch!" I shot back. I go home and find > that all my Word documents have scrambled formatting. Maybe > I sinned. Or perhaps not? The worm of doubt is biting at my > mind. > > The morning comes and I shuffle through the crowd again. > "You can safely switch off your computer now!" The hags are > chanting their litanies. The old man is here again. "You > were beaten, lad?" > > I quickly ask, "What is the Command Line?" > > "Oh, so you know this too! It's the place where you enter > the commands for the system in pure text form. By all the > bits and bytes, he's ripening for Peng..." Noise. The > cavalry. The knights of the Order of Big Excel rode across > the town square. The old man vanished again. Sigh. > > In the seminary. We are learning the Excel tables. I don't > dare ask the priest, but brother Mirek knows a lot. > > "Mirek, what is 'pure text'?" > > Mirek went pale. "Only the text in MS Word is really pure, > my friend." > > "What version of Word?" Kamil asked. "There are rumours > going around in town, about Pure Text and Open Formats." > > Open Formats! Another stone to the mosaic. But what's the > relation to "Pure Text" and "/usr/bin/perl"? > > Just a few days ago I would have said, "Bill knows". I > have doubts now. Is there only One System? Only one Bill? > Only Windows? > > "Lad, when I was young, everything was easier. No glaring > Windows, only text commands. It didn't crash," the > herbalist laments. > > "But all our faith is based on the concept of the Fall and > Cleansing!" I snapped back. "Or... maybe... Open formats?" > > "Oh, my lad, it's been so long I last heard that... I > forgot what it means... Forgive the forgetfulness of an old > woman, I should buy some more RAM..." > > The old man was at the market. He was hiding in the crowd, > but once he spotted me, he came closer joyfully. "Lad, by > all the sources and debuggers, they haven't gotten you yet? > You're still alive?" > > "Yes, old man." > > "The system doesn't have to crash. More accurately, it's > here to ensure the programs don't crash!" > > This was the exact opposite of what we were learning in the > seminary. I blushed. Such blasphemy! > > "The guards will be here in a moment, so I'll give you one > advice; follow..." > > Roar. The dragon, MS Office, the pet of Lord Bill, flew > over the Town. The crowd became anxious, the people held > high their amulets of protection against Applers. The old > man vanished. > > In the seminary, we found that we are one fewer. Brother > Mirek, the smartest one. "That sinner ran regedit.exe. He > disgraced the Holy Registry with the products of his sick > brain. During his torture, he even confessed to installing > Illegal software." > > "HE COPIED SOFTWARE?" we all asked at once. Oh, Start Menu, > protect us. The bishop continued, "and we found a book > about Disassembling and Cracking in his dorm." Libri > prohibiti! Black teaching! I drew the sign of the Window on > my chest. > > "Recant your dark teachings!" The bishop roared. Whom do I > see on the stake? It's that secretive old man who whispered > his wisdoms to me! > > "I won't recant! People, open your eyes! Bill is just > sucking money out of you! By C, by Assembler, by Perl, > X-Windows and Shell, don't be like sheep!" He just spotted > me. I saw the sparkle of sympathy in his eyes. "Whoever has > doubts is right! Don't use Word! Don't use closed document > formats! Seek the Penguin! Penguiiii..." > > The blazing fire burned the body of the sinner. I have a > lot of questions in my head. I will seek. I will put > together the shards and maybe everything will be different. > > "Phooey, heretic!" An old hag spit into the fire. > > > > -- > Humorix: Linux and Open Source(nontm) on a lighter note > Archive: http://mail.nl.linux.org/humorix/ > Web site: http://www.i-want-a-website.com/about-linux/
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