Shouts & Murmurs Before the Movie Begins
by Jacob Sager Weinstein February 6, 2012 http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2012/02/06/120206sh_shouts_weinstein Please note that the use of any recording equipment to capture this film is strictly forbidden, including: camcorders, cameras, cell phones, charcoal, ink, paint (oil or water-based), and the human brain. On leaving the theatre, you will be assaulted by baseball-bat-wielding ushers, who will pummel your skull until you forget what you have seen. Any remaining memories are yours to keep and enjoy, provided you do not discuss them with others or make them available via mankind’s collective unconscious. In addition, your experience of this film may not be remixed in any form; dreams involving any of its characters must adhere strictly to the film’s actual plotline and running time, and must also comply with copyright laws in your state or territory. Any sexual fantasies based on it may not exceed the film’s M.P.A.A. rating. This film is licensed only for public exhibition in first-run theatres, and is not to be screened in schools, on oil rigs, or in prisons. If you are watching it in a school, on an oil rig, or in a prison, you must immediately drop out, throw yourself off the edge and swim to safety, or plan an elaborate escape with the help of a ragtag team of charming criminals, most of whom were wrongly accused, and all of whom wish to become productive members of society. The rights to the story of your escape immediately become the property of the makers of this film, in any and all forms of expression now extant or to be invented in the future, throughout the universe and three feet beyond, just for good measure. If you wish to opt out of any of the above terms and conditions, you must now walk up to the screen and check one or more of the following boxes with an indelible black Magic Marker: [ ] By checking the box below, but not this box, I indicate my denial of these terms and conditions. [ ] By checking the box above, but not this box, I indicate my acceptance of these terms and conditions, unless I have also checked the box below, in which case I indicate my denial, unless I have checked a total of three or more boxes, in which case I have passed beyond denial, cycled through anger, bargaining, and depression, and am now back at acceptance. [ ] I agree that, for the purposes of box-checking, “above” shall be defined as “below” and “below” shall be defined as “above,” unless the box below is checked. [ ] Ceci n’est pas un box. The film will begin in ten seconds. Please use this opportunity to locate the blindfolds and earplugs that have been provided for your safety and convenience. ♦ --- Just because i'm near the punchbowl doesn't mean I'm also drinking from it. _______________________________________________ Infowarrior mailing list [email protected] https://attrition.org/mailman/listinfo/infowarrior
