The Bush News Network (or N3: "the NeoCon News Network")
Richard Forno
24 Nov 03
Copyright 2003 by Richard Forno. Permission is granted to quote, reprint or
redistribute provided the text is not altered, and appropriate credit is

For years, the United States has prided itself on its commercial news
organizations to report events to the American people. The broadcast
networks and cable news channels provided all the news coverage necessary to
try and keep America's free and open society informed.

Not anymore.

Welcome to BNN - The Bush News Network.  Fair and unfiltered news, direct
from the source to the people.

BNN markets itself as the only news network capable of both creating and
reporting on the events of the day, and for cutting out the "middle men" of
news reporting from the established commercial news organizations. As BNN
founder and chief anchor George W. Bush said recently, "sometimes you just
have to go over the heads of the filter [avoiding the uncomfortable
questions we don't want to answer] and speak directly to the people [telling
them only what we want them to know.]"  BNN does just that.

With that said, let's meet the core news team:

Daily broadcasts are anchored from BNN Headquarters in Washington by George
W. Bush, someone virtually unheard of in the international media community
until his breakthrough appearance in prime-time during the 2000 Republican
Convention. Bush brings a semi-educated and folksy tone to his on-screen
persona (some popular witticisms include saying that Iraqi President Saddam
Hussein "crawfished" to escape United Nations sanctions and that he would
"smoke" Taliban operatives "out of their caves") -- that is proving popular
with both viewers of all ages groups and visiting heads-of-state. A Texas
native, George likes ranching, oil, baseball, and easy-to-swallow pretzels.
(Since January 2001 George has done a fantastic job during his temporary
appointment to the job; it is hoped by many that he will be formally elected
to his position in November 2004.)

The military aspects of America's War on Terrorism are covered by BNN chief
Pentagon correspondent Don Rumsfeld.  Count on Don to provide daily
infotainment from the far reaches of the globe as America's War on Terror
continues. An accomplished on-air poet, several of Rumsfeld's musings were
memorialized recently in Hart Seely's entertaining book "Pieces of
Intelligence: The Existential Poetry of Donald Rumsfeld." (Don also
substitutes for sports anchor Dick Myers on occasion.) His on-screen
charisma and distinguished active-duty service as a Navy fighter pilot - not
to mention a former Princeton wrestling star -  gives the network a serious
ratings boost with the hard-to-reach Soccer Moms demographic.

For viewers interested in domestic news items, BNN's justice correspondent
Johnny "Mad Mullah" Ashcroft is on constant patrol to uncover new ways that
the federal government can stifle or quash America's cherished civil
liberties. Despite supporting fundamentalist right-wing Christian social
values and talking about "phantoms of lost liberty," as a former member of
the Singing Senators (along with Trent Lott, James Jeffords and Larry Craig)
his night-club piano and crooning talents (most notably his rendition of
"Let The Eagle Soar") makes him a popular personality with the ladies
despite his views on abortion and occasional on-screen hysterics from Moscow
television studios.

Based at BNN Pentagon Center, sports anchor Richard "The Chairman" Myers
provides daily coverage of America's favorite home teams - the Army, Air
Force, Navy, and Marines - both on and off the field of battle. From who's
moving where, when, and with what battle plan or equipment, count on Myers
and his team for the best play-by-play analysis inside the Beltway. Like
Rumsfeld, Myers is an accomplished pilot, and polls well with both male and
female viewers. He's also the only member of the BNN team routinely on-air
in military uniform, and that appeals to the network's male demographic.

Rounding out the core news team is noted meteorologist Karl "Doctor Strange"
Rove. Throughout his career, Karl's been able to predict how the political
winds of change will blow with striking accuracy and precision. Although
known for periodically (and some may say illegally) seeding the clouds to
rain on his political opponents, his behind-the-scenes work is essential for
the long-term success of the BNN network.  Viewers can expect to see more of
Karl's work as the leading edge of the 2004 election media storm nears.

Supporting the core news team is an equally-experienced cadre of
correspondents, analysts, and other experts:

No network news organization is complete without good research and
fact-checking. The BNN Investigative Unit is headed by Richardo "Dick"
Cheney. Based out of BNN Headquarters in Washington, Cheney and his
constantly-on-the-go team of experts uncover the facts presented in stories
that BNN viewers might view as controversial. His work includes such
award-winning investigative projects as the still-secret National Energy
Plan and the dubious link between Osama bin Laden's terrorist network and
Saddam Hussein. Cheney is assisted by the venerable Doug Feith who operates
from BNN's off-camera Special Plans Bureau at the Pentagon. Since its
creation in January 2001, the Investigative Unit has proudly lived up to its
motto: "if the facts don't add up to our liking, we'll just create some that

Given that foreign affairs is a complex field of study, BNN's Paul Wolfowitz
helps explain policy actions to the network's bipartisan Capitol Hill
audience. The former Dean of the Johns Hopkins University School of Advanced
International Studies (SAIS) and now the number-two person at BNN's Pentagon
Center, "Wolfie" is well-known in Washington's policy circles as a frequent
on-air personality during BNN's coverage of foreign affairs and military
operations. Supporting Wolfowitz is Condie Rice. Her professional expertise
in historical and conventional Cold War-era Soviet studies lends a fresh and
sometimes-useful perspective on the emerging and unconventional issues
associated with the modern Terror War.

BNN's coverage of special events is supported by a number of experienced
on-call correspondents. For matters pertaining to Homeland Security, it
draws on the multi-talented trio of Tom "Duck(Tape) and Cover" Ridge, Norm
Mineta, and Tommy "Tom-Tom" Thompson to deliver reassuring analysis and
words of comfort to viewers.  BNN is also honored to include retired general
Colin Powell's insights and analysis on matters of diplomacy and
international relations. And, for those betting on the future direction of
the federal interest rate, BNN has renewed Alan Greenspan's contract to
chair monthly meetings of the Federal Reserve, a popular program he's hosted
long before moving to BNN in 2001. Alan joins John Snow and Josh Bolten in
presenting a unified and objective outlook on economic news of interest to

For quality control, every broadcast of the BNN must be passed through Dan
Bartlett, the BNN Communications Director and Washington station manager.
>From ensuring on-air correspondents stick to their message-of-the-day
talking points, which correspondents can appear on other weekly network news
programs, and making sure the right background is used for all BNN
broadcasts, Dan makes it all happen. No detail is overlooked - including
ensuring everyone on-camera is wearing patriotic lapel pins. Supporting Dan
is a field crew of "advance people" that coordinate and prepare the desired
images and venues before the actual broadcast. The team's most recent
accomplishment - under Dan's predecessor, Ari Fleisher - was to delay the
return of the aircraft carrier USS Abraham Lincoln from Iraq to accommodate
Bush's dramatic real-time reporting on the Terror War after landing on its
decks while the vessel slowly circled off the California coastline.

BNN's chief technical advisor is Australian media mogul Rupert Murdoch,
currently on loan from the GOP News Network (commonly referred to as the FOX
News Channel.) Murdoch's role is to work with the BNN team to ensure its
messages are presented in a manner most representative of BNN's core values
to help maximize the network's worth to shareholders and viewers alike.
Rupe's experience promoting the (allegedly-trademarked) "fair-and-balanced"
Republican perspective at FOX over the years is a welcome asset to BNN's own
(and soon-to-be-trademarked) "grave and gathering" coverage of American
affairs today.  

As a state-run organization, the BNN is proud to have a sizable Board of
Directors overseeing its operations. The current rotating Board membership
includes (but not limited to) high-ranking members of the federal
government, industrialists, and academics such as: Eliott Abrams, Frank
Gaffney, John Bolton, Norm Podhoretz, Michael Ledeen, Lewis "Scooter' Libby,
David Wurmser, Richard "The Dark Prince" Perle, Robert Kagan, and Founding
Board Chairman Irving Kristol. (Note: BNN correspondents Paul Wolfowitz and
Doug Feith also sit on the Board.)

There you have it - a quick overview of the newest and best source of news
about American policies coming from those in the position to best know
what's happening. After all, as BNN founder George W. Bush says, "the best
way to get the news is from objective sources." Thanks to BNN's innovative
organization and creative team, you can't get find a more objective news
organization anywhere in the world.

In response to critics questioning the legitimacy of BNN coverage of world
events, reliance on secretive sources of information, and the
allegedly-partisan nature of its coverage, spokespersons for the network's
simply replied, "bring it on."

# # # # #
Security technologist Richard Forno is the author of "Weapons of Mass
Delusion: America's Real National Emergency." A patriotic American and
neither a Democrat nor Republican, his home in cyberspace is

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