[IslamCity] Marriage - what's it all about?

[03.05 Noushad T. V.]

Title: Marriage - what's it all about?

In the Name of Almighty Allah Most Beneficent Most Merciful Assalamualaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu "O you who believe! Do not make Haram the good of things which Almighty Allah has made Halal for you, and do not transgress; indeed, Allah does not like transgressors." [Surah Al Ma'idah verse 87]. Wa Ba'd:   When the wedding celebrations are over and husband and wife settle down in their new lives many find it is not what they hoped for or expected. As the euphoria and novelty runs out and gives way to routine and normality, the marriage relationship becomes strained as both spouses struggle to get through life. Constant arguments, bickering and unhappiness pervades the atmosphere with little or no hope of a resolution. This problem in the marital life is so widely felt that we would scarcely find a person who does not know of a close family member or relative who is not in this predicament. Whilst it is inevitable that not every marriage will succeed or be without its fair share of problems, the marital discord and misery we see today cannot simply be attributed to the incompatibility which can sometimes occur between two people. Rather a deeper study into the widespread problems and misery we witness will reveal that it is due to a lack of the correct criteria and thoughts - this is the cause of disharmony and the lack of tranquillity between spouses. If one were to dissect the criteria and thoughts being used by Muslims  one would find that generally speaking they are caught between two reference points. Do they follow the customs and traditions of their elders in marriage and marital affairs or do they embrace western values? The older generation has by and large stuck to tradition; but the younger generation growing up  is increasingly rejecting tradition in favour of a more western lifestyle. As a result we find a whole range of different, and at times contradictory, criteria being used to regulate married life. On one side of the spectrum we have the traditional culture. Here we see the prevalence of the criteria of Sharam and  Izza (shame and dignity). These have their roots in Islam but over time they have lost their Islamic character and have become subject to people's whims and desires. This is why we see the inconsistent and oppressive nature of their application. For instance, zinah is and should be viewed as a loathsome Kabeerah (great) sin; however we often see that if a man commits it then it can be forgiven and quietly ignored as just something that young men do. However if a woman was found guilty of committing this then she would be ostracised and rejected because she has brought dishonour and shame to the family. Therefore the true understanding of the sin of Zinah has been lost in the blur and haze of tradition and a contradictory application is being used. A similar contradiction from traditional values is the view that a young girl mixing with foreign (Ajnabi) men is unacceptable. But on the other hand no shame is felt when the same girl is forced to marry a man without her consent and approval or even sometimes against her will. On the other hand we have what can only be described as half-way marriages where the concepts and criteria are a jumble of traditional and western values but adopted according to the capitalist criteria of benefit and individual freedom. For example, in such marriages it is not acceptable that the wife would flirt with other men but it is acceptable for her to mix with men, being uncovered and showing her beauty. We also find men carrying the western concept of not settling down when young and delaying their marriage until they've had a good time. And once in their late twenties or early thirties they will do their social and religious duty to get married. Also we now see the western style of courtship which means finding out if one is compatible or not by dating or getting to know each other. Hence, the ubiquitous demand of friendship leading to marriage. The West offers individual freedom as the progressive basis of life, and for many Muslims in the West this has become the preferred basis for marriage over tradition. By individual freedom what's meant is that an individual is completely free in how he or she lives his or her life. Rather, turning to freedom by rejecting tradition is like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. How can the West claim to offer the alternative when its criteria of individual freedom and benefit which by establishing sensual gratification as the paramount concern has led to the misery of millions of people? If we take a quick look at the West's record we find that in their societies the top five problems in the social and marital life are: * Mistrust and Adultery - 70% of American wives commit adultery within 5 years of marriage. * Divorce - one in three end up in divorce. * Rape - 167 women are raped every day in the UK. * Wife battery - a battery incident occurs every 18 seconds in America. * Child molestation and paedophilia - in Britain a quarter of a million people are known paedophiles!. These are the fruits of freedom and these should not be considered surprising but in fact are an inevitable occurrence since a solution proposed by man's limited mind will never be able to address the intricacies of human life and its requirements. Therefore, we need to refer to Almighty Allah Subhanahu Wa ta'aala, Who is All-Aware of His creation and how it is that humanity should regulate their lives. Should not He Who has created know? And He is the Most Kind and Courteous (to His slaves) All-Aware (of everything). [Surah Mulk:14] As for taking tradition as our criteria this can never be accepted, as our only criteria is the Revelation of Allah Subhanahu Wa ta'aala and this excludes what our forefathers followed unless it was from what Almighty Allah Most Exalted  and His Beloved Messenger - Rahmatul Liel Ala'meen - Sallalahoo Alayhi Wasallam brought. In verse 104 of Surah Al-Ma'ida Almighty Allah Jallah Wa'ala tells us the basis of acceptance or rejection of tradition: And when it is said to them: "Come to what Allah has revealed and unto the Messenger (Muhammad [SalAllahu alaihi wasallam]). "They say: "Enough for us is that which we found our fathers following, "even though their fathers had no knowledge whatsoever and no guidance!? The reason it is wrong to follow the forefathers is that they did not follow the Revelation and nor were they guided by Almighty Allah's Guidance. So when we reject those areas of tradition, which contradict Islam we should not reject them because they contradict the capitalist concepts of individual freedom and benefit but because they go against what our Most Exalted Lord and Creator has revealed. In other words, just as it is wrong to accept Western love marriages on the basis of freedom and benefit it is equally wrong to reject forced marriages on the basis of the individual freedom and benefit. The reason both should be rejected is that they are contrary to Almighty Allah's Revelation and not because they affirm or violate freedom and benefit. Thus, the only criteria a Muslim can follow is the criteria of Halal and Haram and nothing else. The current generation either view marriage as a burden, or a custom and a social duty. They do not understand it is a solution that organises the male-female relationship so as to bring about mutual tranquillity. In fact many are turning to western values because they find the oppressive elements of tradition unpalatable without realising that Islam has a unique solution that befits man's nature. In Islam marriage is about companionship (Suhbah) and not the regimental and strict regime that exists in traditional marriage or the tenuous partnership for sex that we find in the West, which is easily dispensed with when the partners get tired or bored. Almighty Allah Azza Wajjal informs us of the Hikmah of marriage in verse 21 of Surah Ar-Rum: And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them (li-taskunoo ilayha), and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect. In this verse Almighty Allah Rabbul Ala'meen makes the wife the source of Sakeenah i.e. repose and tranquillity as we can see from the usage of the verb sakana. It is from this same word that we derive the term sakan (dwelling) where people find repose, ease and security when they go home from the toil and tension of outside life. Similarly, married life is a source of tranquillity from the strains and stresses of life and not the other way round. The West cite empty slogans of friendship and equality as the basis of marital life but the truth is that what exists is a clash between spouses because there are no defined roles due to the belief in individual freedom. Islam on the other hand did not just talk about companionship but has shown how to realise it by clarifying the rights and responsibilities that spouses have over each other such that they complement each other and bring about mutual fulfillment: Almighty Allah Subhanahu Wata'ala tells us very clearly in verse 228 of Surah Al-Baqara: "And they (women) have rights (over their husbands) similar (to  those of their husbands) over them, in reasonable terms." Sayyiddina Ibn Abbas R.A. used to say: "Indeed I spruce myself up for my wife and she adorns herself for me, and I love that I should redeem all the rights I have over my wife, so that she should redeem all the rights she has over me". [Reported by Ibn Abi Shaybah in his Musannaf] Islam clearly outlined the role and the rights of both partners in the marriage. The man is the head of the household. He is responsible for providing the maintenance and residence for his family. The wife's responsibility is to tend to the housework and not go out without the permission of her husband. These rights and responsibilities are not unknown but the key concept we need to understand is how these rights and responsibilities are discharged. Almighty Allah Jallah Wa'ala informs us in verse 19 of Surah An-Nisa: "And live with them honourably". Our Most Exalted Lord and Creator has commanded spouses to spend their life together (mu'aasharah) in an honourable and fitting manner (bil-ma'roof). What this means is that they live in an atmosphere of care and benevolence. That is why our Beloved Nabee Sallallahoo Alayhi Wasallam said; "Indeed, the one most complete in Iman and best in morals is the one who is the kindest to his wife."  [Reported by Ibn Hibban]. In other words, the rights and responsibilities should be discharged in an atmosphere of companionship. To give us an example of what companionship (suhbah) means on a day to day level let us take a glimpse at the life of our Beloved Nabee Muhammad Sallallahoo Alayhi Wasallam as he says in his own words: "The best amongst you is the one who is best to his wives and I am best to my wives." [Reported by Ibn Hibban] Meaning of Companionship (as-Suhbah): The Beloved Nabee Sallallahoo Alayhi Wasallam taught us that the husband should be reasonable in exacting the rights. For example, the wife is obliged to seek permission before she goes out but this does not mean the husband should prevent her when there is no reason for doing so. Regarding women going to the Masjid it has been narrated by Salim bin 'Abdullah from his father that our Beloved Nabee Sallallahoo Alayhi Wasallam said: "If the wife of any one of you asks permission (to go to the Masjid) do not forbid her." [Reported by Muslim] Companionship means that the husband deals with his wife in a kind and tolerant manner and not in a domineering way. He should not see it as undermining his honour and dignity if his wife disagreed or got angry about something. Hazrat Aaisha R.A. narrated that Allah's Beloved Nabee Sallallahoo Alayhi Wasallam said:  "I know whether you are angry or pleased. I said, How do you know that Oh Messenger of Allah. He - Sallallahoo Alayhi Wasallam said: When you are pleased, you say, 'Yes, by the Lord of Muhammad,' but when you are angry, you say, 'No, by the Lord of Abraham!' I said, Yes, I do not leave, except your name." [Reported by Muslim]. Companionship means that husbands and wives should help each other in their responsibilities. Just because the wife is responsible for doing the housework does not mean the husband should not help out. Aaisha R.A. describes the behaviour of our Beloved Nabee Sallallahoo Alayhi Wasallam when he was in the house - she says: The Nabee Sallallahoo Alayhi Wasallam used to be in the service (mihnah i.e. khidmah) of his family; and when it was time for prayer, he would go out to pray. [Reported by al-Bukhari]. Despite being the ruler of Madinah, at home he led a very humble life. Aaisha R.A. said: He acted like other men; he would mend his clothes, milk his goat and serve himself. [Reported by al-Bukhari in al-Adab al-Mufrad]. Furthermore, the Nabee Sallallahoo Alayhi Wasallam  never lost his temper, even if there was too much salt in the food. Abu Hurairah R.A. narrated that; the Nabee Sallallahoo Alayhi Wasallam never criticized the food, if he liked it he ate it and if not he left it. [Reported by Muslim]. Companionship also means overlooking mistakes or defects that one may not like in ones wife or vice versa. Our Beloved Nabee Sallallahoo Alayhi Wasallam also said:"Let not a believing man hate a believing woman. If he dislikes a character in her, he would be pleased with her other characters." [Reported by Muslim].Therefore, the husband should not pick on every little thing and continuously find faults. Rather he should be prepared to forget them by remembering the good qualities his wife has. Companionship means closeness and intimacy and not an estranged relationship where the spouses rarely talk to each other unless something needs to be done. If one reflects on the nature of married life one can appreciate its importance. So for example, during the day a wife would naturally build up and accumulate many issues that she wants to discuss with her husband. So when the husband comes home she wants, for want of a better word, to download all the stresses and difficulties and share them with him. But if the husband comes home and turns on the TV and ignores her then this can be very frustrating for her. That is why if we look to our Beloved Nabee Sallallahoo Alayhi Wasallam we see that it was his practise after Salatul Isha to spend a part of the evening chatting (samr) with his wives. He also used to joke with his wives and also said: [Reported by an-Nasa'i].   "Everything in which there is no Dhikr (remembrance) of Allah is nonsense, negligence and futile except four things: that a man should joke with his wife". To be able to function in a harmonious relationship in a social order or state we must first be able to establish a stable family order. A revolution against the evils of a social order has no legitimacy when those in revolt are oppressors in their own family order. Our relationship towards one another must be an element of Ibadah or the worship of Almighty Allah Subhanahu Wata'ala. The whole concept of marriage is so important that our Beloved Nabee Sallallahoo Alayhi Wasallam said it is half of faith, so fear Allah with the other half. The marital union or family relationship is successful only to the extent that it can emulate or adhere to the guidance that our Most Glorious and Exalted Creator has given us. May Almighty Allah Rabbul Ala'meen confer upon us success in this life and in the Hereafter and may He join us in the company of the righteous. We ask Him in humility and humbleness to confer upon us mates who will be help-mates for us, who will assist us in this life to obtain that which Almighty Allah Subhanahu Wata'ala says is attainable on the basis of our submission. And Almighty Allah knows best Baarak Allaahu Feekum wa-sal-Allaahu wa-Sallam 'alaa Nabiyyina Muhammad sallallahoo Alayhi Wasallam. Was Salamualaykum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuhu. ************************************************************************** I S L A M I C   S U R F   G R O U P ************************************************************************** *************************************************************************** {Invite (mankind, O Muhammad ) to the Way of your Lord (i.e. Islam) with wisdom (i.e. with the Divine Inspiration and the Qur'an) and fair preaching, and argue with them in a way that is better. Truly, your Lord knows best who has gone astray from His Path, and He is the Best Aware of those who are guided.} (Holy Quran-16:125) {And who is better in speech than he who [says: "My Lord is Allah (believes in His Oneness)," and then stands straight (acts upon His Order), and] invites (men) to Allah's (Islamic Monotheism), and does righteous deeds, and says: "I am one of the Muslims."} (Holy Quran-41:33) The prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: "By Allah, if Allah guides one person by you, it is better for you than the best types of camels." [al-Bukhaaree, Muslim] The prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him)  also said, "Whoever calls to guidance will have a reward similar to the reward of the one who follows him, without the reward of either of them being lessened at all." [Muslim, Ahmad, Aboo Daawood, an-Nasaa'ee, at-Tirmidhee, Ibn Maajah] -------------------------------------------------------------------------- All views expressed herein belong to the individuals concerned and do not in any way reflect the official views of IslamCity unless sanctioned or approved otherwise. If your mailbox clogged with mails from IslamCity, you may wish to get a daily digest of emails by logging-on to http://www.yahoogroups.com to change your mail delivery settings or email the moderators at [EMAIL PROTECTED] with the title "change to daily digest". Yahoo! Groups Sponsor ADVERTISEMENT Children International Would you give Hope to a Child in need?   · Click Here to meet a Girl And Give Her Hope · Click Here to meet a Boy And Change His Life Learn More Yahoo! Groups Links To visit your group on the web, go to: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/islamcity/   To unsubscribe from this group, send an email to: [EMAIL PROTECTED]   Your use of Yahoo! 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