> Where in the world, are the Muslim youth getting their
ideals about love, marriage and family?
>
> In Bahrain, a teenage Muslim princess ran away from her
family, her home and country forever, putting her life in jeopardy
in order to marry an American marine she hardly knew. She made a
decision, that she can never take back, to Iive a life of exile and
sin. If asked why, she did this, she would naturally say she did it
for "love." ....etc.
----------------------------------------------------------
She chooses a good husband
One of the ways in which Islam has honoured woman is by giving her
the right to choose her husband. Her parents have no right to force
her to marry someone she dislikes. The Muslim woman knows this
right, but she does not reject the advice and guidance of her
parents when a potential suitor comes along, because they have her
best interests at heart, and they have more experience of life and
people. At the same time, she does not forego this right because of
her father's wishes that may make him force his daughter into a
marriage with someone she dislikes.
There are many texts that support the woman in this sensitive issue,
for example the report quoted by Imam Al-Bukhaari from al-Khansa'
bint Khidam:
"My father married me to his nephew, and I did not like this match,
so I complained to the Messenger of Allah . He said to me: `Accept
what your father has arranged.' I said, `I do not wish to accept
what my father has arranged.' He said, `Then this marriage is
invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.' I said, `I have accepted
what my father has arranged, but I wanted women to know that fathers
have no right in their daughter's matters (i.e. they have no right
to force a marriage on them).'"2
At first, the Prophet told al-Khansa' to obey her father, and this
is as it should be, because the concern of fathers for their
daughters' well-being is well-known. But when he realized that her
father wanted to force her into a marriage she did not want, he gave
her the freedom to choose, and saved her from the oppression of a
father who wanted to force her into an unwanted marriage.
Islam does not want to impose an unbearable burden on women by
forcing them to marry a man they dislike, because it wants marriages
to be successful, based on compatibility between the partners; there
should be common ground between them in terms of physical looks,
attitudes, habits, inclinations and aspirations. If something goes
wrong, and the woman feels that she cannot love her husband
sincerely, and fears that she may commit the sin of disobeying and
opposing this husband whom she does not love, then she may ask for a
divorce. This is confirmed by the report in which the wife of Thabit
ibn Qays ibn Shammas, Jamilah the sister of `Abdullah ibn Ubayy,
came to the Prophet and said: "O Messenger of Allah, I have nothing
against Thabit ibn Qays as regards his religion or his behaviour,
but I hate to commit any act of kufr when I am a Muslim. The Prophet
said: "Will you give his garden back to him?" - her mahr had been a
garden. She said, "Yes." So the Messenger of Allah sent word to
him: "Take back your garden, and give her one pronouncement of
divorce."3
According to a report given by Al-Bukhaari from Ibn `Abbas, she
said, "I do not blame Thabit for anything with regard to his
religion or his behaviour, but I do not like him."
Islam has protected woman's pride and humanity, and has respected
her wishes with regard to the choice of a husband with whom she will
spend the rest of her life. It is not acceptable for anyone, no
matter who he is, to force a woman into a marriage with a man she
does not like.
There is no clearer indication of this than the story of Barirah, an
Ethiopian slave-girl who belonged to `Utbah ibn Abu Lahab, who
forced her to marry another slave whose name was Mughith. She would
never have accepted him as a husband if she had been in control of
her own affairs. `A'ishah (May Allah be pleased with her) took pity
on her, so she bought her and set her free. Then this young woman
felt that she was free and in control of her own affairs, and that
she could take a decision about her marriage. She asked her husband
for a divorce. Her husband used to follow her, weeping, whilst she
rejected him. Al-Bukhaari quotes Ibn `Abbas describing this freed
woman who insisted on the annulment of her marriage to someone she
did not love; the big-hearted Prophet commented on this moving
sight, and sought to intervene.
Ibn `Abbas said:
"Barirah's husband was a slave, who was known as Mughith. I can
almost see him, running after her and crying, with tears running
down onto his beard. The Prophet said to `Abbas, `O `Abbas, do you
not find it strange, how much Mugith loves Barirah, and how much
Barirah hates Mughith?' The Prophet said (to Barirah), `Why do you
not go back to him?' She said, `O Messenger of Allah, are you
commanding me to do so?' He said, `I am merely trying to intervene
on his behalf.' She said, `I have no need of him.'"4
The Prophet was deeply moved by this display of human emotion: deep
and overwhelming love on the part of the husband, and equally
powerful hatred on the part of the wife. He could not help but
remind the wife, and ask her why she did not go back to him, as he
was her husband and the father of her child. This believing woman
asked him, whether he was ordering her to do so: was this a command,
a binding obligation? The Prophet , this great law-giver and
educator, replied that he was merely trying to intercede and bring
about reconciliation if possible; he was not trying to force anybody
to do something they did not wish to.
Let those stubborn, hard-hearted fathers who oppress their own
daughters listen to the teaching of the Prophet !
The Muslim woman who understands the teachings of her religion has
wise and correct standards when it comes to choosing a husband. She
does not concern herself just with good looks, high status, a
luxurious lifestyle or any of the other things that usually attract
women. She looks into his level of religious commitment and his
attitude and behaviour, because these are the pillars of a
successful marriage, and the best features of a husband. Islamic
teaching indicates the importance of these qualities in a potential
husband, as Islam obliges a woman to accept the proposal of anyone
who has these qualities, lest fitnah and corruption become
widespread in society:
"If there comes to you one with whose religion and attitude you are
satisfied, then give your daughter to him in marriage, for if you do
not do so, fitnah anmischief will become widespread on earth."5
Just as the true Muslim young man will not be attracted to the
pretty girls who have grown up in a bad environment, so the Muslim
young woman who is guided by her religion will not be attracted to
stupid "play-boy" types, no matter how handsome they may be. Rather
she will be attracted to the serious, educated, believing man who is
clean-living and pure of heart, whose behaviour is good and whose
understanding of religion is sound. No-one is a suitable partner for
the good, believing woman except a good, believing man; and no-one
is a suitable partner for the wayward, immoral woman but a wayward,
immoral man, as Allah (subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa) has said:
Women impure are for men impure, and men impure for women impure,
and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for
women of purity . . . (Qur'aan 24:26)
This does not mean that the Muslim woman should completely ignore
the matter of physical appearance, and put up with unattractiveness
or ugliness. It is her right - as stated above - to marry a man for
whom her heart may be filled with love, and who is pleasing to her
both in his appearance and in his conduct. Appearance should not be
neglected at the expense of inner nature, or vice versa. A woman
should choose a man who is attractive to her in all aspects, one who
will gain her admiration and respect. The true Muslim woman is never
dazzled by outward appearances, and she never lets them distract her
from seeing the essence of a potential spouse.
The Muslim woman knows that the man has the right of qiwamah over
her, as the Qur'aan says:
( Men are the protectors and maintainers [qawwamun] of women,
because Allah has given the one more [strength] than the other, and
because they support them from their means . . .) (Qur'aan 4:34)
Hence she wants to marry a man of whose qiwamah over her she will
feel proud, one whom she will be happy to marry and never regret it.
She wants a man who will take her hand in his and set out to fulfil
their life's mission of establishing a Muslim family and raising a
new generation of intelligent and caring children, in an atmosphere
of love and harmony, which will not be impeded by conflicting
attitudes or religious differences. Believing men and believing
women are supposed to walk side-by-side on the journey of life,
which is a serious matter for the believer, so that they may fulfil
the great mission with which Allah (subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa) has
entrusted mankind, men and women alike, as the Qur'aan says:
( For Muslim men and women - for believing men and women, for devout
men and women, for true men and women, for men and women who are
constant and patient, for men and women who humble themselves, for
men and women who give in charity, for men and women who fast [and
deny themselves], for men and women who guard their chastity, and
for men and women who engage much in Allah's praise - for them has
Allah prepared forgiveness and great reward.) (Qur'aan 33:35)
In order to achieve this great goal of strengthening the marriage
bond, and establishing a stable family life, it is essential to
choose the right partner in the first place.
Among the great Muslim women who are known for their strength of
character, lofty aspirations and far-sightedness in their choice of
a husband is Umm Sulaym bint Milhan, who was one of the first Ansar
women to embrace Islam. She was married to Malik ibn Nadar, and bore
him a son, Anas. When she embraced Islam, her husband Malik was
angry with her, and left her, but she persisted in her Islam.
Shortly afterwards, she heard the news of his death, and she was
still in the flower of her youth. She bore it all with the hope of
reward, for the sake of Allah (subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa), and devoted
herself to taking care of her ten-year-old son Anas. She took him to
the Prophet , so that he could serve him (and learn from him).
One of the best young men of Madinah, one of the best-looking,
richest and strongest, came to seek her hand in marriage. This was
Abu Talhah - before he became Muslim. Many of the young women of
Yathrib liked him because of his wealth, strength and youthful good
looks, and he thought that Umm Sulaym would joyfully rush to accept
his offer. But to his astonishment, she told him, "O Abu Talhah, do
you not know that your god whom you worship is just a tree that grew
in the ground and was carved into shape by the slave of Banu so-and-
so." He said, "Of course." She said, "Do you not feel ashamed to
prostrate yourself to a piece of wood that grew in the ground and
was carved by the slave of Banu so-and-so?" Abu Talhah was stubborn,
and hinted to her of an expensive dowry and luxurious lifestyle, but
she persisted in her point of view, and told him frankly: "O Abu
Talhah, a man like you could not be turned away, but you are a
disbelieving man, and I am a Muslim woman. It is not permitted for
me to marry you, but if you were to embrace Islam, that would be my
dowry (mahr), and I would ask you for nothing more."6
He returned the following day to try to tempt her with a larger
dowry and more generous gift, but she stood firm, and her
persistance and maturity only enhanced her beauty in his eyes. She
said to him, "O Abu Talhah, do you not know that your god whom you
worship was carved by the carpenter slave of so-and-so? If you were
to set it alight, it would burn." Her words came as a shock to Abu
Talhah, and he asked himself, Does the Lord burn? Then he uttered
the words: "Ashhadu an la ilaha ill-Allah wa ashhadu anna Muhammadan
rasul-Allah."
Then Umm Sulaym said to her son Anas, with joy flooding her entire
being, "O Anas, marry me to Abu Talhah." So Anas brought witnesses
and the marriage was solemnized.
Abu Talhah was so happy that he was determined to put all his wealth
at Umm Sulaym's disposal, but hers was the attitude of the selfless,
proud, sincere believing woman. She told him, "O Abu Talhah, I
married you for the sake of Allah (subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa), and I
will not take any other dowry." She knew that when Abu Talhah
embraced Islam, she did not only win herself a worthy husband, but
she also earned a reward from Allah (subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa) that
was better than owning red camels (the most highly-prized kind) in
this world, as she had heard the Prophet say:
"If Allah (subhaanahu wa 'ta'aalaa) were to guide one person to
Islam through you, it is better for you than owning red camels."7
Such great Muslim women are examples worthy of emulation, from whom
Muslim women may learn purity of faith, strength of character,
soundness of belief and wisdom in choosing a husband.
***************************************************************************
{Invite (mankind, O Muhammad ) to the Way of your Lord (i.e. Islam) with wisdom
(i.e. with the Divine Inspiration and the Qur'an) and fair preaching, and argue
with them in a way that is better. Truly, your Lord knows best who has gone
astray from His Path, and He is the Best Aware of those who are guided.}
(Holy Quran-16:125)
{And who is better in speech than he who [says: "My Lord is Allah (believes in
His Oneness)," and then stands straight (acts upon His Order), and] invites
(men) to Allah's (Islamic Monotheism), and does righteous deeds, and says: "I
am one of the Muslims."} (Holy Quran-41:33)
The prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: "By Allah, if
Allah guides one person by you, it is better for you than the best types of
camels." [al-Bukhaaree, Muslim]
The prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) also said, "Whoever
calls to guidance will have a reward similar to the reward of the one who
follows him, without the reward of either of them being lessened at all."
[Muslim, Ahmad, Aboo Daawood, an-Nasaa'ee, at-Tirmidhee, Ibn Maajah]
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