[IslamCity] Western Wives in Egypt : Beyond Homesickness

Mon, 12 Dec 2005 17:20:30 -0800

Beyond Homesickness
Western Wives in Egypt*
By Sara Khorshid**
Dec. 4, 2005
With Karen’s niqab (veil) covering up most of her face, you can still see bitterness in her eyes. You can hear resentment in her voice as she tells her story.
She refuses to have her real name and nationality published, but she claims to speak on behalf of many Western women living in Egypt, married to or divorced from Egyptians.
After converting to Islam, Karen moved to Egypt with a few other women who shared with her idealistic ideas about living in a Muslim-majority country. They were soon confronted with the reality about the people’s “ignorance of Islam” and deviation from its teachings.
Her first year as a foreigner on her own in Cairo was the most difficult. “I have never felt as lonely as I felt here in this city with 16 million people,” she says. “Being a woman as well as a foreigner put me in a double disadvantage. It’s a men’s country, [where] men don’t take women seriously ... and tend to take advantage of them.”
She decided she couldn’t stay in Egypt unless married and she accepted a marriage offer by an Egyptian man, a decision that she regrets. “Marriage itself is difficult, cross-cultural marriage is more difficult, and when you don’t understand the other’s culture, you have a third degree of difficulty.”
Cultural differences resulted in her divorce.
Egypt’s culture, in Karen’s opinion, is one of manipulation, not directness. “Egyptians are obsessed with covering their back. In the West we are direct because we have a system that covers us up.” As a result, she says, “The [Egyptian] husband [of a Western woman] thinks, ‘My wife is not respecting me’ when all what she is doing is being direct.”
Cultural differences made Karen feel “oppressed” in her marriage: “The Western woman enters the relationship on a 50-50 basis; whereas men in Egypt tend to be brought up to feel they are superior to the girls in the family.”
“For example, she expects the husband to hold the baby while she cooks something, but men in Egypt don’t accept that. They won’t do what’s qualified as ‘women’s work.’”
“Yes they will,” says Kris Johnson, speaking of her Egyptian husband, who gives her a hand when she needs assistance. They have lived in harmony for more than 11 years, proving that Karen’s husband does not represent all Egyptian men.
“It’s wrong to generalize,” says Hawa Irfan, the head of the Cyber Counseling service of IslamOnline.net. “Within Egypt, the northern man differs from the southern man,” then men differ from one city to another; and even inside Cairo, they differ from one area to another—let alone personality differences apart from social environments.
Irfan, a foreigner living in Egypt herself, believes that a Western wife suffers when she sees herself “separate or different from the social system she has married into.”
An American from Minnesota, Kris doesn’t consider herself “foreign” in Egypt: “I have a dual personality. I am Egyptian here and American when I go to the States.”
But she doesn’t give up her own culture completely. “Inside, I am no longer American but I am not so Egyptian that I forget my country and my family. … Look at my kids: They are half and half.”
The family live with two cultures in one house, taking pride in their ability to “combine the two cultures successfully.”
To Kris, the key to a foreign woman’s success in Egypt is conformity: “I have foreign friends in Egypt fighting against what they don’t like; they end up feeling lost and frustrated. If you don’t conform, you will be on the outside. If you don’t go with the status quo in Egypt, you will be rejected.” She points out that Egyptians refuse to cope with what’s foreign, what they don’t know.
The Western wife’s success, says Irfan, depends, again, on “how she identifies with the social circle she has married into.”
As strong family ties hold Egyptian society together, Western wives living in Egypt have to constantly deal with their in-laws. How the wife manages her relationship with her husband’s family shapes her marital life.
If she doesn’t identify with the social circle of her husband, says Irfan, “she ends up not only alienating herself, but also forcing her husband to make choices between her and the social circle he belongs to.”
Karen’s husband made his choice: “His family came first,” she says. “If you think I am going to put you before my family, you are out of your mind,” he once told her.
The case is different for the Irish wife Aisha Fitzpatrick. She maintains warm ties with her in-laws, who live with her in the same building. “They are very good, kind people. … They appreciate my coming from Ireland to live with their son here in Egypt,” she says.
Her Belgian friend, Sumaya Mommerency, has a normal relationship with her husband’s family, but she finds difficulty in convincing them with her opinion. “They think they know everything better and that I don’t know anything while I am only different from them,” Sumaya says.
Aisha advises her, “You just have to be yourself but in a nice, polite way.”
Their American friend Umm Mustafa is not close to her husband’s parents after living with them for 15 years. “We don’t really talk.” Umm Mustafa and her in-laws speak different languages and share no interests to talk about in the first place. “We are not enemies, but not friends,” she says.
This group of Western women in Egypt seek refuge in a weekly gathering that strengthens their friendship. “It’s nice to meet foreigners like myself and speak with them in English,” says Aisha.
Their Canadian friend Cathy Hanafy agrees: “It’s an excellent group that provides an excellent support system.” Having lived in Egypt with her husband for more than 13 years, she has never had a true friendship with an Egyptian. “With Egyptian women, there seems to be something missing. I don’t know what it is, but it’s difficult for me to have a solid relationship with an Egyptian woman,” she says.
The circle of Western women friends provides a social-support mechanism that prevents them feeling isolated, “which, in turn, impacts [their] marriage,” says Irfan.
It gives Sumaya another advantage: “You can speak your mind about Egypt,” she says.
She hates Egypt’s bureaucracy, hypocrisy, and intolerance of what’s foreign and different. She likes its hospitality and slow pace.
Cathy likes the Egyptians’ friendliness. She misses Canada’s nature and cleanliness.
Karen, who chose to remain in Egypt after her divorce, likes the Egyptian people’s kindness. “I have never had my car break on the road, for example, without finding someone coming to help.”
“There are a lot of good people here, especially from the low and middle classes,” she adds. She likes the religious basis that binds them. “If there is any problem, you can always refer to Islam and remind people of Allah. Even those who are not religious will know exactly what you are saying.” It was her decision to wear niqab—uninfluenced by her husband—out of religion-related motives.
Karen also likes the “healthy family structure” in Egypt. She encourages her kids to socialize with their father’s family. “It’s a support system that prevents them from feeling alone.”
As for Kris, she loves Egypt’s unexpectedness. “Every day in Egypt brings something different, undetermined. Every day can be exciting. Life in Egypt is an adventure. America is boring” with a routine way of life, she says.
Yet, she holds on to a “one-year rule” that enables her to visit her country: “I can’t stay more than one year in Egypt, or I will find myself baring my teeth on the street and getting mad at everybody.”
“I think Egyptians will love this one-year rule too,” she says with a laugh.
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* This article originally appeared in the Middle East Times and is republished with the kind permission of the publisher
** Sara Khorshid is staff writer for IslamOnline.net. She holds a bachelor’s degree in political science from Cairo University. You can reach her at [EMAIL PROTECTED]


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Salaam (Peace be upon you), Andrea (Saleema)   "To God belongs all that is in the heavens and all that is on the earth. Whether you show what is in your own selves or conceal it, God will call you to account for it. Then He forgives whom He wills and punishes whom He wills, for God is Able to do all things."  (Qur'an 2:284).



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{Invite (mankind, O Muhammad ) to the Way of your Lord (i.e. Islam) with wisdom (i.e. with the Divine Inspiration and the Qur'an) and fair preaching, and argue with them in a way that is better. Truly, your Lord knows best who has gone astray from His Path, and He is the Best Aware of those who are guided.}
(Holy Quran-16:125)

{And who is better in speech than he who [says: "My Lord is Allah (believes in His Oneness)," and then stands straight (acts upon His Order), and] invites (men) to Allah's (Islamic Monotheism), and does righteous deeds, and says: "I am one of the Muslims."} (Holy Quran-41:33)

The prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: "By Allah, if Allah guides one person by you, it is better for you than the best types of camels." [al-Bukhaaree, Muslim]

The prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him)  also said, "Whoever calls to guidance will have a reward similar to the reward of the one who follows him, without the reward of either of them being lessened at all."
[Muslim, Ahmad, Aboo Daawood, an-Nasaa'ee, at-Tirmidhee, Ibn Maajah]
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