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================== LOVE AND MARRIAGE ================== Part 2 of 4 MAKE A LIST OF CRITERION Many times, one makes a list of things that he/she wants to see in his/her spouse. The lists are sometimes so unrealistic that no one on Earth would meet the conditions. In making such list, one needs honesty, determination, and good will. Prioritize the aspects according to what you want, don't want, and can't live without. This list should reflect your values, personalities, and goals. The Prophet, sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam, said, "A woman is normally sought as a wife for her wealth, her beauty, her nobility, or her deen (religiousness), so choose a religious woman and you will prosper." (Muslim) Similar criteria go for men also in terms of courtesy, honesty, patience, and manhood. BE THE PERSON YOU WANT TO MARRY So, what happens after you make a long list? You want a person with, let's say, a dozen different qualities. Now, if someone asks you: "what are you doing to deserve a wife/husband like that?" Do you have an answer? Is the answer satisfactory? If not, you better correct the list not according to whom you want, but according to who you are. If you have a goal, you must work towards it. "Be the person you want to marry" -- the qualities/personalities that you demand, make sure you have them in you first. LOOK FOR EXCELLENCE, NOT PERFECTION Perfection is the highest attainable standard, but excellence is the quality of being outstanding and doing better than a given standard. No one's perfect; absolute perfection belongs to Allaah alone. A person who searches for perfection will never get married. [If he looks for a heavenly "Hoor-al-'ayn," he'll have to wait until he dies and hopefully goes to jannah.] So, being absolutely practical, we should separate the pros and cons of a potential spouse and evaluate them to see which side is heavier. Let's not look for perfection, rather, look for excellence. RESPECT YOURSELF "If people don't respect themselves, they're not respected by others." There are young people who still behave or dress like first-graders in their twenties. How can he expect that the parents would give their child--one they've been raising with great care for so long--to an immature or irresponsible fool? When it's time, a man has got to be a man and a woman has got to be a woman. KNOW THE "INSIDE" OF A PERSON The proposal has to go through guardians/imams of the community. When finding out about one, the best source is his/her friends. Instead of asking the prospective spouse directly at first, ask the other members of his/her family/friend circle. The questions should be point-blank, such as: what would he do if the red light turns green and the car in front is not moving? Would he keep honking and curse out? Or would he stay cool? Does he treat his brothers/sisters with kindness and respect? Does he cheat (no matter how small) during exams/quizzes? Does he hand in the projects long after they are due? Does he get irritated when he misses the train? These questions will bring out a completely new person that you would never know if the person were to say everything by himself. Remember, you'll be living with the "essence" of this person, not his impressive appearance. You want to find out within the limits if his appearance and nice words today will match with his real life tomorrow. Of course, you'll also have to judge yourself to see if the person might be interested in your life-style and behavior as well. TALK IN THE PRESENCE OF A MAHRAM When it's time to finally talk with the prospective spouse, there should be a mahram (one to whom marriage is not permissible) present. The mahram doesn't have to hear the conversation, but should be able to see both parties. This keeps the respect and dignity of both parties intact and shaytaan away. Along this track, you shouldn't be surprised to see how many tricks shaytaan plays on you. If you give him a chance, he'll ruin everything! KEEP THE SENSE OF LONGING Don't make the mistake of having any one-on-one intimate conversation before marriage--neither the phone nor e-mail. Sure, you'll have to talk once at least, but absolutely within the limits. If you know a lot about the other person and you haven't had one-on-one intimate conversation, your marriage will start off with the greatest sense of interest and intimate willingness to listen to each other. You'll endlessly appreciate your spouse for the rest of the life. Same thing goes for looking. Never go beyond the limits. This will ensure the respect and dignity between the two after marriage. Yes, it's difficult to picture it in today's world, but it's possible. Lower your gaze and avoid unnecessary mingling. KING OR QUEEN OF ONE'S HEART The idea of monogamy and devotion to one person for the rest of one's life is often incomprehensible for many people. After countless dumping by their boyfriends/girlfriends, one's heart longs for "the one" who will be the king or queen of that heart. Unfortunately, they fail to realize that "being just friends," "living together," or "keeping in touch" devastate their lonely hearts with even more loneliness and suspicion. The boundaries that Islam draws let a married couple live and enjoy their married life as king and queen of each other's hearts. If your can stay within the limits before marriage, you will fulfill life, love, and living with the greatest appreciation after marriage. ENGAGEMENT Engagement contract and actual marriage should not be far away from each other. Most engaged people act as if they were married and cross the line. Many times, they talk hours after hours about their lives, plans etc. There will probably be no interest left after marriage; therefore not having the appreciation and patience to listen to one another. All long talks and endless discussions should be saved for marriage and thereafter. Engagement doesn't give you a VIP pass to cross the line. source: http://hamditabligh.net
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*************************************************************************** {Invite (mankind, O Muhammad ) to the Way of your Lord (i.e. Islam) with wisdom (i.e. with the Divine Inspiration and the Qur'an) and fair preaching, and argue with them in a way that is better. Truly, your Lord knows best who has gone astray from His Path, and He is the Best Aware of those who are guided.} (Holy Quran-16:125) {And who is better in speech than he who [says: "My Lord is Allah (believes in His Oneness)," and then stands straight (acts upon His Order), and] invites (men) to Allah's (Islamic Monotheism), and does righteous deeds, and says: "I am one of the Muslims."} (Holy Quran-41:33) The prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: "By Allah, if Allah guides one person by you, it is better for you than the best types of camels." [al-Bukhaaree, Muslim] The prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) also said, "Whoever calls to guidance will have a reward similar to the reward of the one who follows him, without the reward of either of them being lessened at all." [Muslim, Ahmad, Aboo Daawood, an-Nasaa'ee, at-Tirmidhee, Ibn Maajah] -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Recommended: http://www.islamonline.net http://www.islam-guide.com http://www.prophetmuhammadforall.org -------------------------------------------------------------------------- All views expressed herein belong to the individuals concerned and do not in any way reflect the official views of IslamCity unless sanctioned or approved otherwise. If your mailbox clogged with mails from IslamCity, you may wish to get a daily digest of emails by logging-on to http://www.yahoogroups.com to change your mail delivery settings or email the moderators at [EMAIL PROTECTED] with the title "change to daily digest". YAHOO! GROUPS LINKS
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