> Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car > which said, "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00." A policeman, saw the sign, stopped > them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. > > About that time another car passed with a sign on top of it saying, "JESUS > SAVES." They asked the cop why he let the other car go and he said, "Well, > that's a little different, it pertains to religion." So the two ladies took > their sign down and took off. > > The following day found the cop was in the same area when he noticed the two > ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had > an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them. That's when he noticed the > new sign which read : "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00." > > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------------------- > > Things Only A Mom Can Teach You: > > ** My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -- "Just wait until your father > gets home." > ** My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -- "You are going to get it when we > get home!" > ** My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE -- "What were you thinking? > Answer me when I talk to you ... Don't talk back to me!" > ** My Mother taught me AGRICULTURE -- "If you don't stop swallowing those > seeds you're going to have watermelons growing out your nose." > ** My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -- "If you don't pass your spelling > test, you'll never get a good job." > ** My Mother taught me ESP -- "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know > when you're cold?" > ** My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -- "If you don't eat your > vegetables, you'll never grow up." > ** My Mother taught me about SEX -- "How do you think you got here?" > ** My Mother taught me about GENETICS -- "You're just like your father." > ** My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -- "Do you think you were born in a > barn?" > ** My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -- "When you get to be my age, > you will understand. > ** My Mother taught me about JUSTICE -- "One day you'll have kids, and I > hope they turn out just like you... Then you'll see what it's like." > > ** My Mother taught me LOGIC -- "If you fall out off that swing and break > your neck, you're not going to the store with me." > ** My Mother taught me HUMOR -- "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, > don't come running to me." > > > > > A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. > "I used some horrible language this week and feel > absolutely terrible about it." > > "When did you use this awful language?" asks the > Mother Superior. > > "Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that > looked like it was going to go over 280 yards. > But it struck a phone line hanging over the fairway > and fell straight to the ground after going only about > 100 yards." > > "Is that when you swore?" > > "No, Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel > ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its > mouth and began to run away." > > "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother > Superior again. > > "Well, no," says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel > was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, > grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly > away!" > > "Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed > Mother Superior. > > "No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away > in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel > dropped my ball." > > "Did you swear THEN?" asks the Mother Superior, > becoming impatient. > > "No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced > over the sand trap, rolled onto the green and > stopped about six inches from the hole." > > The two nuns were silent for a moment. > > Then the Mother Superior sighed and said, > "You missed the ******* putt, didn't you?" > > > > What's black and white and black and white and black and white? > A priest rolling down the stairs. > > > > Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it > started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put > it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. > > Lady 1: What's that? > > Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. > > Lady 1: Where did you get it? > > Lady 2: You can get one at any drugstore. > > The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself down to the local drugstore and > announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.The guy looks at > her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 yearsof age), but politely > asks what brand she prefers. > > Lady 1: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel. > > =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= * PLEASE do not post offensive jokes * List info and instructions are available at http://harbinger.sirma.bg/lists/jokes.html =-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
