Economists call for War
By Bernie Worrell Updated: 2001-07-09
The global economic slowdown has led a group of top-ranking economists to conclude that the only way to revive the flagging world industry is to instigate a Third World War. "We're not sure who it might involve", said economist Tarr Patpiss, "but it's going to have to be big!"
"We need to have a war, and fast", said Patpiss. "It needs to be a much more personal war too, unlike the Gulf War, where many people at home didn't really feel like they were involved".
The WBE (World's Best Economists), of which Patpiss is chairman, has proposed a number of radical solutions to economic problems in the past. One such suggestion saw Patpiss calling for the cloning of the entire population of Switzerland in 1991, arguing that "they seem to be doing OK over there".
Another controversial suggestion from the WBE involved the total destruction of Japan in 1996, after Patpiss observed that the country's troubled economy "wasn't really going anywhere".
This call for a World War is also bound to incite many of the WBE's critics. When challenged to explain his reasoning, Patpiss said: "Well, for one thing we have all these people coming from failed dotcoms, who all have nothing to do. Dotcom CEOs would make excellent generals in a war, as they seem to have no qualms when it comes to sending troops over the trenches to their certain deaths. And the fact that so many dotcom staff seemed prepared to work hundred-hour weeks for specious stock options suggests that they'd be more than happy to put the same level of effort into fighting a war".
When asked who the war might involve, Patpiss shrugged. "Who wouldn't it involve?" he countered.
The WBE's call for total war was criticised by the anti-globalisation anti-action anti-group and the Anti-World's Best Economists, who are also known as the AWBE. An anti-spokesperson said in an anti-statement, "We are totally ANTI this recommendation! We are anti-War! This is a preposterous suggestion - and it's insane to think that these laid-off dotcommers would be any use in a war anyway. I bet most of them couldn't tell one end of a gun from the other".
Patpiss also suggested that the enormous stockpile of surplus technology products - a mile-high mountain of unused PDAs, notebooks, routers and computers which has completely buried Silicon Valley over the last few months - could be used as ammunition. "I'd like to see the sort of damage a Palm Pilot could do if it hit someone's brain at the speed of sound!" he gurgled.
US President U Boosh welcomed the WBE's comments. "Those guys oughta see what we've got in the works", laughed the president.