I laid down a promise the night before last to answer
each and every one of the emails sitting in my
inbox...I have been so deeply touched by the love,
friendship and caring that has been demonstrated on
this list to others and to myself. That was my plan
for yesterday. Yesterday. My day off.
After a long intensive haul of seven straight days in
a row, the last day stretched into ten hours, I was so
completely immersed in the work I do. I am one of the
people in the background of a community pharmacy. I
am part of a team of people who provide palliative
care for those who spend their last days at home.
As an IV technician, I am hypnotized by the whirr of
the fan in the sterile procedures hood much of my day,
and while I prepare antibiotics and cassettes for pain
I think. And I think some more. I think about how
meaningful my work is ...and I hope and pray that the
work I do does in fact help those suffering on the
inside and on the outside of illness. Oh it takes a
village.
I was looking so forward to my day off. Yesterday. A
glorious day all to myself. No chores ahead. I was
biting at the bit to get into my mail and send
responses to my old and new found friends and family
here on the jmdl. My life line.
I drove Miranda to school, something I don't usually
do on such a glorious day as yesterday. However,
yesterday, I did. And on the way there, traffic was
lined up for blocks, so I had to take another route.
Dropped her off at the side of her school, heard her
say, Mom, I really love you as she squeezed my hand.
This in itself was a precious moment I will treasure
always.
Tears well up in my eyes for her. For her suffering. I
need to believe ... she will be okay...she will be
okay.... my newest mantra. The mantra of a mom who has
been through way too much around loss around losing
children and seeing my Mimi girl like this has been so
hard. Helpless. That's how Ive felt about it. *It* has
been easier because of the mass of support via email I
have received lately. All of which I was going to go
through yesterday. I was going to tell you yesterday
how much your love and support means to me.
On my way home, caught in the snarls of Main Street
traffic, I decide to turn on the CBC radio. Something
I rarely do. I crave peace and quiet especially in the
morning hours of the day. I am thinking about where I
will go for a walk, when I will speak with my beloved
Brei on the phone...yesterday.
I hear the voice of Andy Barry on the CBC...he is
speaking with someone about the International Film
Festival..films created by gifted, talented artists
from all over the world. My mind sidesteps to my
international family here. Yesterday, my thoughts turn
to you.
Then the talk on the radio turns to a new film on the
Holocaust. My swirling thoughts are stopped in their
tracks. Then my mind goes to a thousand places all at
once. I long to relay the story of this new film to
Brian. I sit out in my driveway hanging on to every
word so that I can get it right, straight. I did this
only yesterday.
The programme is long. I decide to resume listening
inside. I quickly turn the key and run upstairs and
turn the radio on. Again, this is something I rarely
do. I crave silence, especially on my day off.
Yesterday.
I am listening to the bits of soundtrack which conjure
up the images provoked by the creator of this film, I
begin to shake. The images are far too real for my
comfort level. They talk of babies. I am so vulnerable
to this . The ramifications run deep inside me.
Naturally, like a reflex, my thoughts turn to Brian.
Yesterday.
All of a sudden, there is some surreal announcement
that the WTC has been hit. I am also hit... by shock
and disbelief and fear. I think of my beloved joni
family members who I just spent the weekend with and
my mind is racing now. Adrenalin has taken over.
Yesterday.
I pick up the phone and call Brian. He's at work now.
I ask him if he's heard the news. He hasn't. Shock. He
cant believe it either. After a few moments, he has to
attend to a business call, he will call me back.
Another moment in our shared life. I turn on the TV.
Definitely something I never do, however, yesterday, I
could not believe my ears, so I had to see it , I just
had to. I am such a visual person, perhaps seeing
would help my scattered mind make sense of it. I saw
it all. Yesterday.
The phone rings only a few minutes later....sweet
relief, Brian's voice. He is watching with me as we
try to figure out what the hell has hit the first
tower. We see flames and smoke billowing out of the
top...and wonder and wonder. All of a sudden, we see
the image which is now burned into memory...a second
plane. At first I think..oh they are doing a computer
generated reinactment. Crazy. Then they are telling us
that this is real. A second plane has hit the second
tower. Has the world gone mad? What the hell is
happening .... we are both getting really upset. Oh
God, cant we turn back the clock and change yesterday?
Then we hear the panic filled news about
Washington...a plane has gone down smack into the
Pentagon. Oh God. And then the buildings are flaming
even higher and hotter and the whole thing goes out of
control and they are screaming terrorist in our midst.
More news of hijacked planes...images painted through
the fear in otherwise calm reporters. Smoke in our
eyes. I cannot believe this happened only yesterday.
Yesterday. I feel sick.
Brian is 500 miles away from me. This thought keeps
coming to the surface as we watch the horror unfold.
500 miles and in another country. Ripped apart.
Separated by miles and borders. Borders which will no
longer give us easy access to each other. My mind
races. How long will it take me to drive to Mimi's
school and then to the border and then to Brian. I
need to be with him. Now. Then I hear that the borders
are closed. Shut down. Damn yesterday.
We are so scared. We watch the images together and cry
and cry. We are so afraid of losing communication with
each other....we say "DONT hang up!" At this point, we
feel we are headed for even more destruction. In these
frantic moments watching all hell break loose on this
glorious day, we think that full blown war has broken
out. How the hell is this possible??? How???
Brian and I tell each other over and over, I love you,
dont ever forget that. I can almost feel his arms
around me. I feel horrible in this moment thinking I
will never feel those arms around me again. The love
of my life so far away.
We spend the next two hours or so on the phone. We
will not hang up. We will not leave each other. We
begin to talk about the family members who live in
NYC...everyone we saw at the Fest...all the people who
flew from Boston to home. I cannot think straight
anymore. We are worried sick and are heartbroken and
shocked for the ramifications are so great. So deep.
So endless. We will never be the same again. All
because of yesterday.
Our love is fortified. In the midst of images, rubble,
smoke, fire, poisoned air....one thing remains. This
love I share with this magnificent man who has given
me my life back. He has become my reason for being.
We find Rose in NJ on the phone and then Bob Murphy
and Jimmy and Polifka via bouncing emails over the
course of the day ...thank God for the internet where
we can, at the very least, reach out through our
words. My send box is full to the brim with of
reassurances and shared wild emotion over this whole
thing. I see a name on line and let out a big sigh.
Relief amidst the horror of yesterday. Yesterday I
find you. You are okay. Yesterday.
Strangely enough, I have the best night's sleep I have
had in ages. I sleep as though I am knocked out. Maybe
I was. Maybe it was all too much. I know that to be
true. And good God, it really did happen. Yesterday.
Today the sun is shining. I breathe deeply. I pray
that the worst is behind us. I pray for the souls
whose lives were taken yesterday. I thank God for the
reports from the NY listers, our hearts go out to you
as you are so terribly close to it all. I cannot
imagine.
This morning, I wake at 630 and rush to the computer
to find another avalanche of mail. I scan and try to
take in the words. Words. I am once again reduced to
tears and so many feelings of gratitude and horror and
fear. I am swept back into the depths as I read the
heartwrenching story from Kay Ashley, John
VanTiel...Pearl...Debra....Colin ... everyone.
Backflash. I am back on the beach by Atty May's ...
standing in the glory of that moonlit night arm in arm
with five countries, watching John and Claud , Claud
and Brian touch hearts in support of one
another...slipping my hand inside his as I listen to
Chris Marshall tell us how deeply moved he is well
beyond words to be here. To be with us. I remember it
all like it was only yesterday. As I read, I take
inside me to deep and safe places, your stories, your
yesterday thoughts, prayers for peace and
safety....yesterday.
May the expressions of peace and love we sent across
the world yesterday fill in all the holes inside each
and every one of us today.
sending you love, hugs and hope.
Mags
np: silence
--
And this loving is a drawing close,
a tuning in, an opening.
Until one perfect moment;
but how can it be expressed?
A receiving, an enfolding
as I cradle you in my arms.
Within my heart, within my soul,
You are my true love.
--Lui Collins
---
_~O
/ /\_,
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