mack, i am going for the gold alright. i'm going for a gold in the TOURIST OLYMPIC GAMES. please read the hilariously funny VERY SARCASTIC and tongue in cheek article from a local alternative weekly. i think it sums up how most people i know feel about the games! alison e. in slc, tired of seeing barricades, national guardsmen/women with fully automatic rifles, police from other cities, massive military choppers and F16's overhead, and THIS AREA UNDER 24 HR SURVEILLANCE signs.
"Pssst. Listen up. This is the last issue of City Weekly before the Olympics start. Come next week there are going to be real, live foreigners reading this paper. The way I see it, we have less than one week to learn the phrase, Go Home, in every different language and dialect of the visiting countries. But, learning simple foreign-istic catch phrases is just the beginning of ways we can mess with all these non-American people who will be crowding our bribery-induced infrastructure. Questions will be asked by those who havent spent enough time studying their version of Fodors guide to Salt Lake City. That gold person on top of the Mormon cathedral, a Spaniard might ask, Who is him? Louis Armstrong, you should reply. Didnt you know Mormonism bases its religious ideology on the influences of American jazz musicians? John Coltrane (in Utah we refer to him as The Real JC) is the center of their theology. Come now, you silly Spaniard from Spain land, didnt you wonder why Utahs only professional sports team is the Jazz? Now remember, this Spain-ish person has traveled halfway around the world to see the Games. These Games are being held in your backyard and do you have tickets to a single Olympic event? If its Games they want, its Games theyll get. I say, light the torch and let the Olympic Tourist Games begin. Start your own tour company and get some of that recently printed Canadian Euro dollar in your wallet. If they think Salt Lake is like Lancaster, Pennsylvania, where they can see Mormons in their natural habitat, then dont leave them with Le Disappointment. Charge $20, toss a gaggle of those Canadian geese into your Suburban and point out such landmarks as Baskin Robbins, Burger King and Old Navy. When you see two women walking together say, Do you mind if we stop and talk to my wives? Oh, never mind, tonight is my youngest wifes turn. I dont want LaDonna or Wanda to get jealous. Send the French to the new Main Street [which was purchased by the Mormon church, there is no smoking drinking, cursing, etc. allowed] and see if they think a little bit of Paris reminds them of Paris when it was a little bit occupied by Germany. What mean you, I cant smoke cigarette outside? This isnt Paris. This is little bit of merde. Another major tourist trap is, well, our namesake: The Great Salt Lake. If it werent for the smell, youd almost forget the lake was out there. When was the last time you said, Hey family, lets go submerse ourselves in brine shrimp and stink? But foreigners, like those from New York, Indiana or other places still think they can float in the Salt Lake. Let them! Tell anyone who asks that the salt keeps the water very warm. Say, If you think bath salts are soothing, think how muy bueno a whole lake of bath salts must feel. Especially if you have open wounds. Plus, talk about aromatherapy. Phewy! The Salt Lake is liquid heaven. Send the Swiss packing with Hersheys chocolate, send the Italians to Olive Garden, send the Chileans to Chilis Bar and Grill and the Irish to McDonalds, but whatever you do, dont tell a soul about the Soup Kitchen [a local, very good restaurant]. Its already too crowded. When I opened the door to pick up my to-go order, the place was so busy the door hit a patron standing in line. If youre concerned that I hurt this guy, dont worry, I think he might have been Canadian, so I kicked him as well. Let the Tourist Olympic Games begin." Salt Lake City Weekly ) 1996-2001 Copperfield Publishing. All Rights Reserved. Send FREE Valentine eCards with Yahoo! Greetings! http://greetings.yahoo.com
