This will make more unpopular than I already am but i have got to the point I don't give a damn about that. I refuse to allow ignorance and cruelty to unsettle me.
people who resort to cruelty because they cannot explain themselves are abusive. full stop. and thsort of mail sent to the list about me was indeed cruel. i have never ever sent a post a post like that. I once told a person who had haragnued me and kept telling me how bad I was thnat they were cruel and a liar and arrogant. I had reason to believe that and have not yet had a reason to change my mind. What people write is plain to see. If someone says they do not like it or disagree with or see it as offensive they have the right to say so. It is NOT the same as saying the person who wrote is bad or an offensive person. It is saying that the words used were. I am astounded that adults that do not get that. Maybe I am supposed to sing your praises and agree with everything written. That would get very confusing but it would please some wouldn't it? It also really pisses me off that when people do resort to name calling and or cruelty, no one says anything although they might privately. In recent times, just a few I can recall, I have been blasted for my opinons. These blasts were not people putting the other side. they were mean sprited on attacks on me personally. eg: I wrote that elderly people do notgain wisdom just by virtue of being old. a nice cyber friendship was ruined becasue someone took it personally!!!! I asked someone why they seemed to be taking what i wrote personally. They respoinded that they didn't and in the very next post said they said took it personally. How on earth can one deal with that? What I coinsidered to be a friendly friendship down the drain. I have never taken it personally whne people disagree with me. Although it seems that was a mistake. Judging by the venom that comes my way from those who disagree with me. I once responded with a sarcastic comment to 'only a fool would not like whichever Joni album it was'. I found that offensive. I did know it was mreant to be quote from seomthing else. So I got blasted for that to. Another person I thought had been a friend now longer wirtes because I happen to think circumscion of babies is wrong and don't fully support their stand on Israel. People find the time to ask people to trim posts or rememeber to use the NJC tag(even tho they commit said crimes themselves) yet ignore blatent abuse. The abuse Debra received went on and on for ages and most people ignored it. Perhaps mistakenly, I have been very open about my past. For one reason only. To edcuate people. All I achievd is giving people ammunition to use against me, to have people make cruel remarks about it. I had people tell me to get therapy, to take my pills etc etc etc HOW DARE THEY? Who the hell do they think they are? They ahve absolutely no idea at all what they are talking about.Nevr in a million years would I be so cruel to anyone, no matter how much I didslike them. We can't like everyone but we can respect people. It is abusive not to. So many people who have survived such horrors are treated appallingly. No wonder so many of us keep it a secret. I have said what i have said, made myself vulnerable for good reasons, and I had faith that those who read it would take it for what it was, but no I was stupid and all they did was use it as ammo. disgusting. Instead they chose to see it as some quest for myself. They ahev cheek to talk to about forgiveness, to tell me how I should feel. They do NOT have the right. Especially when their own issues are so cleary on display. None of you, absolutley none of you, have lived what i lived. you have no clue! NONE! Not even my John knows so why the hell would I tell you lot? I have told one person, and that was my therapist. (of course I know others have had similar lives I am just saying we all different) I am not as open as you may think I am. I have not given deatails.Did I tell you what it feels like to held down and raped when you are five? Did I tell you what it feels like to used in child porn?Did I tell you what it feels like to see your best friend killed horrendously when you are 7 as a direct result of racism? Did I tell you what it feels like to be reguallry knocked unconscious by epople who are supposed to love and care for you? Did I tell you what it feels like to grow up unloved and knowing it was all your fault? Did i tell you how it feels to be so lonely and just wish your time here would hurry up and be over? did I tell you what it feels like to feel like nothing?No I fucking didn't. You will NEVER be told that. Not ever. For five years this list has been so important me. Someone once told me to go get a life in one of those mean spirited posts. How is that possible when people are just as cruel in the real world? I can tell you, that most people, the vast majority, gay or str8, do not want to know someone with a mental illness. I make friends with people, I am easy going and like people, and as soon as it is realised I have a problem, they disappear. i don't have to say'hi I am colin, i have Bi polar disorder'. It is not a disease you can hide. So the pc has been a godsend for me. because for those of you who will relish this, I spend all my time on my own, except when John is here at weekends. I used to make the effort, go to church( mistake), join clubs, but the attitude out there for anyone different is not good. And yes, I have spent years thinking ti must be my fault, just like you are thinking. And I'll tell you what, the bahviour and nastiness I have seen here astounds me and people have the cheek to disrespect me, to diminish me, to dismiss me, because I am 'not all there' should take a look at themselves! I recently asked a freinds opionion becasue I felt I was becoming too cynical. Right now, I just don't feel any different. My fatith in people is shatterd. I was told that you learn trust by trusting. Bollocks to that. those who don't want to see me as a real person, with real feelings, will see this as nothing more than self pity. Or they will just blame me. It makes it all much easier for them. I have NEVER intentionally hurt anyone.(of course the person I told how I felt to about them, will call me a liar but I can't help that). The sort of mails I talking about are sent by people with that sole intention-to hurt.I don't like to cause people pain. I have slipped up and apologised. I cannot apologise for somehting I have not done. Although i did once, I wrote soemtbning like 'some cow I don't even know sent me a virus'. This was before I knew about virii and how they spread. I immediately apologised but contiued to be slagged off for it anyway. No doubt I have opened myself up for more abuse. And thsoe of you who wish I'd fuck off might well get your wish. i haven't decided yet. if I do fuck off it will becasue I decieded to. oh and just a little thing-I can spell I just can't type well. Oh and Laurent(if you got this far!)-I do not dislike you at all. I don't know you.. I don't agree with you. That is allowed isn't it?
