Hi, I know this thread is old, but I just now got to it after being out of town...coincidently, for a reunion with my daughter's birthfather.
Colin, my belief is that this is a very individual thing. Some adoptees strongly want and need to meet their biological families. Others have little or no interest. But I think that if they DO have the desire, they should be able to have that experience. Most adoptees (and I've read some of their notes here on the list) have expressed fantasies of who their bio parents are. My feeling, is that the truth is usually better than whatever wish, fantasy or image an adoptee creates for him/herself. However....I don't think it's in the best interest of an adult adoptee to be forced into finding out info on their biofamilies unless they 1. want to and 2. are prepared to find out the information. If their fantasy is that a reunion will fill in ALL the gaps and they'll live happily ever after, then that is something that I believe needs to be addressed and worked out before the meeting. I don't know the statistics, but some adoptees have extremely positive experiences, while others do not. Obviously, some birthparents do not wish to reunite, while others live every day hoping and praying they can find their biological child. But for the adult adoptee who is well prepared for whatever they learn about their bio family...AND the possibility of being rejected (again), then I think it is an incredible experience. I do believe that all adoptees be given the opportunity IF THEY WANT IT, to be able to meet their bio parents. You ask if it's ever right to refuse a meeting with (I'm guessing), the biological child. This is where things get cloudy. For as much as I believe that an adoptee has the right to know more about her/his background, I also believe that biological parents have rights too. There are so many reasons for bio parents to relinquish legal rights to their children. They may have had horrific experiences that led to the pregnancy and don't wish to open up those painful memories. I guess I respect that need. But I also know that the needs of the adoptees can be so strong too...that even if the history behind their conception is so negative, they would much rather know that than know nothing at all. Anyway, our reunion went exceptionally well and I realize that we are lucky. My daughter, adopted by us at birth, expressed a strong desire at 14 to meet her biomom. With a lot of counseling for preparation, and to make sure she was ready to handle it, we went ahead with the reunion 3 years ago. Her b/mom and I had stayed in contact via letters/email all these years, so it was easy to plan the actual reunion. I knew that her biomom was open to this. What we didn't expect was that she had planned an entire family reunion, which included her daughter (my daughter's full sib), her parents (who are divorced and hadn't spoken for the last 30 years but came out to meet their grandchild), aunts, uncles and tons of cousins. A few months ago, her b/dad came back into the picture and my daughter wanted to meet him as well. We met him this weekend and her b/mom was there as well. (they never married and had split up when my daughter was born). Colin, you asked...what if the parents have problems? And my answer is...who doesn't?? Both of my daughter's b/parents have significant problems. She doesn't love them any less for that. She's thrilled that she now has the information, the facts. And she can decide (along with them), how much of a relationship she wishes to have with them. As a wise friend of mine said, to prepare me 3 years ago for this, "you cannot be loved by too many people". Terry << s it always a good idea for children who for whatevrer reason don't know one or both birth parents to find them? What if the parent you find has problems? Is menatlly ill?Is deficient in some way? Or just doesn't fit the 'parent' picture? Is gay? Is in prison or whatever? Under what circumstances would it be better to not see an adult child? Would it ever be right to refuse a meeting? >>
