I never pass these things on, but this one done make me chuckle.
signed:
festering testicle lemon jefferson
>>Subject: A Short Tutorial on The Blues
>>
>> > >
>> > How to Sing the Blues by Lame Mango Washington
>> > (attributed to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky,
>with
>> > revisions by Little Blind Patti D. and Dr. Stevie Franklin)
>> > 1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
>> >
>> > 2. "I got a good woman," is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you
>> > stick something nasty in the next line: "I got a good woman - with
>the
>> > meanest face in town."
>> >
>> > 3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat
>> > it.
>> > Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman -
>with
>> > the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and she
>> > weigh 500 pound."
>> >
>> > > 4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a
>> > > ditch: You stuck in a
>> > > ditch, ain't no way out.
>> > >
>> > > 5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken down
>> > > trucks. Blues don't
>> > > travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUV's. Most Blues
>> > > transportation is a
>> > > Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
>> > > Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't
>> > > even in the running.
>> > > Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle.
>> > > So does fixin' to
>> > > die.
>> > >
>> > > 6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin
>> > > to die yet. Adults
>> > > sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being
>> > > old enough to get the
>> > > electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
>> > >
>> > > 7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in
>> > > Hawaii or any place
>> > > in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just
>> > > depression. Chicago,
>> > > St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best places to
>> > > have the Blues. You
>> > > cannot have the blues in any place that don't get
>> > > rain.
>> > >
>> > > 8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues.
>> > > A woman with male
>> > > pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you
>> > > skiing is not the blues.
>> > > Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it
>> > > is.
>> > >
>> > > 9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a
>> > > shopping mall. The lighting
>> > > is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by
>> > > the dumpster.
>> > > 10. Good places for the Blues:
>> > > a. highway
>> > > b. jailhouse
>> > > c. empty bed
>> > > d. bottom of a whiskey glass
>> > > Bad places:
>> > > a. Ashrams
>> > > b. gallery openings
>> > > c. Ivy League institutions
>> > > d. golf courses
>> > >
>> > > 11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a
>> > > suit, 'less you
>> > > happen to be an old black man, and you slept in it.
>> > >
>> > > 12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
>> > > Yes, if:
>> > > a. you're older than dirt
>> > > b. you're blind
>> > > c. you shot a man in Memphis
>> > > d. you can't be satisfied
>> > > No, if:
>> > > a. you have all your teeth
>> > > b. you were once blind but now can see
>> > > c. the man in Memphis lived.
>> > > d. you have a retirement plan or trust
>> > > fund
>> > >
>> > > 13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of
>> > > bad luck. Tiger
>> > > Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could.
>> > > Ugly white people also
>> > > got a leg up on the blues.
>> > >
>> > > 14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline,
>> > > it's the Blues.
>> > > Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
>> > > a. wine
>> > > b. whiskey or bourbon
>> > > c. muddy water
>> > > d. black coffee
>> > > The following are NOT Blues beverages:
>> > > a. mixed drinks
>> > > b. kosher wine
>> > > c. Snapple
>> > > d. sparkling water
>> > >
>> > > 15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun
>> > > shack, it's a Blues
>> > > death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is
>> > > another Blues way to
>> > > die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and
>> > > dying lonely in a
>> > > broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you
>> > > die during a tennis
>> > > match or getting liposuction.
>> > >
>> > > 16. Some Blues names for women:
>> > > a. Sadie
>> > > b. Big Mama
>> > > c. Bessie
>> > > d. Fat River Dumpling
>> > >
>> > > 17. Some Blues names for men:
>> > > a. Joe
>> > > b. Willie
>> > > c. Little Willie
>> > > d. Big Willie
>> > >
>> > > 18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and
>> > > Rainbow can't sing the
>> > > Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
>> > >
>> > > 19. Make yer own Blues name (starter kit):
>> > > a. name of physical infirmity (Blind,
>> > > Cripple, Lame, etc.)
>> > > b. first name (see above) plus name of
>> > > fruit (Lemon, Lime,
>> > > Kiwi,etc.)
>> > > c. last name of President (Jefferson,
>> > > Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
>> > >
>> > > For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or
>> > > Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.
>> > >
>> > > 20. I don't care how tragic your life; you own a
>> > > computer, you cannot
>> > > sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled
>> > > bottle of MadDog,
>> > > or shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sit on it
